When You’re Rich, You Don’t Write Checks

Not many times are you sitting around watching ESPN and something comes along and absolutely baffles you. This world is so crazy nowadays that nothing is a shock. You see Rashard Lewis signing for $126 million and you don’t bat an eyelash. Clinton Portis is telling reporters that he knows back roads to dog fights? Not a big deal, either. Oh, Pacman or Chris Henry got in trouble again? It would be bigger news if they weren’t a headline for over a month. But every once in awhile, something comes along that you can’t even muster up words to respond to it. You’re sitting there, speechless, after what you just saw or heard. For me, these moments usually involve a man named Randy Moss; and I’m not talking about the horseracing expert.

Let’s take this time to analyze some of his past quotes.

-1997, Sports Illustrated. An article about Randy takes a turn for the worse, in which he ends up saying that the 1970 Marshall plane crash “was a tragedy, but it really wasn’t nothing big.” How is this one never brought up? If Matt McConaughey is making a movie about it, it’s a big deal.

-Sometime in 2001. This one is basically a household quote. Admitting to taking plays off, Moss was quoted saying “When I want to play, I’ll play.” I think Cris Carter was still around for that one. Imagine being him-- the guy that mentored Randy Moss. I can’t imagine being proud of myself.

-January 2, 2005, game vs. Washington Redskins. Moss is criticized for leaving the game with two ticks left on the clock down 21-18, with the Vikings still to kick off. It isn’t a quote, but when asked afterwards about it, Moss said that he didn’t think they were going to get the onside kick. For what its worth, Randy’s read on the situation was correct. The Redskins recovered and went on to win the game. This apparent bad attitude led to something else just one week later…

-January 9, 2005, game vs. Green Bay Packers at Lambeau Field. You know where this one is going. After Moss’s second touchdown of the game, he walked over to the goalpost, faced away from the crowd, and proceeded to moon them (pants up, as we all know, but are kind of disappointed about). This turn of events led us to the greatest Randy Moss quotes known to man:

Reporter: "Write the check yet, Randy?"
Moss: "When you're rich you don't write checks."
Reporter: "If you don't write checks, how do you pay these guys?"
Moss: "Straight cash, homey."
Reporter: "Randy, are you upset about the fine?"
Moss: "No, cause it ain't shit. Ain't nothing but 10 grand. What's 10 grand to me? Ain't shit to me … Next time I might shake my dick."

A defining moment in sports history, to say the least. And we’re not even done

-August 18, 2005, interview with Bryant Gumbel. Somehow, they get on the topic of using drugs. Shocking everyone in the process, here is Moss’s quote: "Like I say ... I have used (marijuana) in the past. And every blue moon or every once in a while, I might. ... But as far as abusing it and, you know, letting it take control over me, I don't do that, no." Asked whether he still smokes marijuana, Moss said, "I might. I might have fun. And, you know, hopefully ... I won't get into any trouble with the NFL by saying that, you know? I have had fun throughout my years and, you know, predominantly in the offseason." I say he deserves it. That’s just a rough life.

A few other random quotes to add in here.

• "The way I look at it," Moss said, "God's got a magic wand, and he taps just a few on the head."

• At Marshall, he was a business major who didn't take academics too seriously. "College is boring," he said. "It was all about not having fun and going to class once in a while."

• "It's not my fault that people don't know me," he said, defending himself. "I'm going to speak my mind, no matter what the consequences are."

Yes, Randy, we have come to both learn and appreciate that last one. Here’s to a season of Randy Moss in the press with the Patriots. We can only hope he goes on a tirade about Tom Brady and his illegitimate children or Bill Bellichick and his steamy affairs. Like all of his stints before this one, it could end badly. And the Patriots know it. Imagine Moss quitting on a route on a 3^rd down. Bellichick will absolutely kill him. But that just goes to show how much talent this guy has—even the New England Patriots and Bill Bellichick (the biggest psycho coach to ever grace the sidelines) are willing to possibly sacrifice their team concept in order to put this 6’4, 210 pound freak of nature with baggage on their team to put them over the hump.

Someone can do the same with TO. I refuse. It would piss me off too much.

It’s kind of late. Good night.

(EDIT: Here is the youtube video link of the Randy Moss interview after the mooning incident. Also some pretty good highlights of his Viking days beforehand.)