Easy Street, Well Kind of

Ernie Els, the Big Easy, finished 3^rd yesterday at the PGA Championship. Ernie played well in the last two majors of the year, and actually had a chance to win this weekend’s event had a couple more putts dropped. He was within two of Tiger on the back, but failed to capitalize on some short birdie attempts.

I decided to look into Els’ performance in Majors over the past 8 years, and his results are staggering. He really is one of the greatest golfers of the Tiger era, and with a little more luck, he would have been considered one of the all time greats.

Our saviors at Wikipedia provide us with a graphical analysis:

Tournament	2000	2001	2002	2003	2004	2005	2006	2007
The Masters	2	T6	T5	T6	2	47	T27	CUT
U.S. Open	T2	T66	T24	T5	T9	T15	T26	T51
The Open Championship	T2	T3	1	T18	2	T34	3	T4
PGA Championship	T34	T13	T34	T5	T4	DNP	T16	3

Yellow is pretty good. Ernie has played in 31 majors since 2000 and finished 6^th or better in 15 of them. He was only able to capture the British in 2002. So 48%, of the time he’s beating at least 98% of the field. He just struggles with that other 2%. I always feel bad for guys who are close so many times. I have a lot of respect for Ernie as he’s a class act, and has never bitched about his ongoing “Bridesmaid” status.(Sorry Buzz) I know a few players who could learn from him, cough, Sergio. One would think he was from Cleveland, and not South Africa. I hope he’s able to keep his game sharp. I look forward to him playing well at the Masters in 8 months. Wow, eight months seems a long time away.

I can’t feel too bad for Ernie though. He’s collected almost $30 million in tournament winnings, and has a really cool accent. Two things I long for everyday.

Tiger Woods: Swamped

(Photo by Streeter Lecka/Getty Images)
Getty Images

Tiger Woods is winning the PGA battle, but losing a more important war; the one he's currently fighting with "Swamp Ass". I don't know if it was the pants, but he looked worse than Big John Daly. Now, Daly keeps cool by slamming warm Diet Cokes and smoking "heaters", so Tiger is doing something wrong. I was embarrassed for him. Look at that picture; he is smiling to hide the embarrassment that is "Swamp Ass". His version of the dreaded affliction has actually crept to the front side of the pants, and now it’s safe to say “Swamp Ass’s” more evil cousin, "Swamp Cock" is playing for keeps.

At the beginning of the PGA Championship, Tiger was asked about the intense heat and humidity at the PGA Championship in Oklahoma, and said:

"I just change gloves more often. That's about it. As far as your concentration waning, I don't see how that can ever be a problem."

Well Tiger, you might want to consider changing pants at the turn on Sunday. The temperatures at Southern Hills have been in the100's all week, with heat indexes over 110 degrees at some points. Sunday is expected to be even warmer. I know he's never lost a major with the 54 hole lead, going 12-12, so he doesn't have to worry about that.......but going 0-1 against the "Swamp Family" might not be worth that 13 slam.

Thank God I'm too poor to afford HD.

TwinCities.com: Tiger IS Sweating the heat. Literally

Maybe Next Year

Sergio can't be too excited about how his last two majors of the year finished. First, the playoff loss to Padraig Harrington in the British, now this:

Garcia, who made the cut on the number at 5-over par, signed for a 4 on the par-4 17th hole, when he in fact recorded a 5.

He was playing alongside Boo Weekley, who was keeping his scorecard and wrote the score down incorrectly. It is the player's responsibility to check the card for accuracy and Garcia didn't do that.

Weekley had to feel kind of bad for what happened:

"It's my fault for putting the wrong score in, but it's his fault for not checking," said Weekley, who shot 5-under 65. "I just said 'Sergio, I put a 4 but in fact you had a 5.' He said, 'That just puts the icing on the cake.'"

"He just took off," Weekley said. "I called him back down and tried to get him before he got all the way up the stairs."

Ouch. But come on, Sergio! Anyone who has ever played competitive golf (be it high school or just some tournament) knows that you gotta check the card before you sign it and turn it in.

There's nothing worse than a Sergio pout, and that's what Weekley had to witness. Not only does he have to overcome Tiger Freakin Woods, but now the Sergio Pout? Good night. To be honest with you, I feel worse for Boo than Surge after this tragedy.

ESPN.com

My Career Looks so Bleak

John Daly is two off the lead at Southern Hills before the second round of the PGA Championship. At -3 under, he's looking to avoid that dreaded triple or quady that usually causes a hysterically funny meltdown. Maybe the lyrics to John's song, "My career looks so bleak", were sung to soon. If not, Daly only has himself to blame. A career fueled solely by Diet Coke, cigs, gambling, booze, and trash usually doesn't end well. However, Daly's voice is ravishing, and the sportscaster's comment after is funny.

Daly was quoted yesterday as saying:

"To be honest, I was waiting to make a 7 or 8, because that's the way it's been going the last year and a half. If there were 14 holes on a golf course, I would've won 17 tournaments in the last year and a half."

John, that's like saying "If there were 14 beers in a case, you wouldn't be an alcoholic." I think that type of logic in any sport is insane. I won't start ranting, but it really means nothing. If someone scores the first basket of a bball game is it ok to say "if basketball games were only one minute long, my team would win more." The fact is, they aren't. Stupdity.

John on Dealing with the Heat:

"I'm used to these kind of little valleys, where you don't get any air, and there's a lot of humidity, and it's tough to breathe. I light up a cigarette and drink some caffeine, and it actually works."

John on Gambling:

"I've been playing slots over at Cherokee Casino," he said. "Did good the first day; didn't do too good the other day.

I only hope Big John keeps it together until Sunday. Him and Sergio playing together in the last group with Tiger teeing off right before them, how sweet it would be. Oh, the drama that would ensue. Daly eats Sergio or strokes. I just don't know which one would happen first.

The Ohio Bridesmaids: We Care about "Who's Now"

Not again, and not ESPN. I’m beginning to think this is some kind of sick joke.We’ve already documented the 2^nd place finishes of the Ohio State Buckeye football and basketball teams, as well as the crushing defeat of the the Cavaliers at the hands of the French flag waving Tony Parker and his Spurs. Next, came the loss of the Columbus Destroyers in the Arena whatever you call it. However, we thought the insanity was over until the Cleveland Indians made an improbable run to the World Series only to suffer a loss to whichever NL team plays poorly enough to sneak in. (I won’t even begin to touch on the rumors of Michael Vick’s planned midseason raid of the Dawg Pound.)

Now, we find out that Lebron James is facing Tiger Woods in ESPN’s “Who’s Now” championship. You’ve got to be kidding me. Lebron navigated through his tough bracket defeating Kelly Slater, who’s nickname in the bracket was the fitting “Who’s That”. I think she may have been in Playboy, so I guess I shouldn’t be complaining. In the semifinals, Lebron took down Shaquille O’Neil, setting up a match-up with ESPN’s “King of Swing” Tiger Woods. We all know how this one is going to end.

I’m pretty sure Tiger doesn’t lose unless he wants to. One would be foolish to assume he’s not going to do everything in his power to ensure victory, even if that means skipping his preparation for the PGA Championship to vote for himself 1 million times over the next day. Hey, the guy is an absolute nut. So, the trend will most certainly continue regardless of any attempt by Stuart Scott to sway the vote with his “Boo-Yahs” and “Cooler than the other side of the pillow’ references during Lebron’s highlight package.

We were beginning to think that Ohio, the bridesmaid, would eventually get her chance. I guess that’s not the case. Ohio is like the really fat, ugly bridesmaid who lost her shot at getting married a few too many twinkies ago. The state of Florida crushed any Ohio State Buckeye title hopes, and now it looks like one of its residents will do the same. It’s unfortunate, a “Who’s Now” victory would have completely made up for the other crushing Ohio defeats. Wait, not at all, but it would have been a start. A really, really small and annoying start.

Damn, Lebron even played second fiddle to Kimmel at the ESPY’s.

(This was a Guy Production in association with Poor Man's Entertainment. All information contained above came from Guy who was attending a concert and had no internet access.)

"Is It Sergio's Time"?

Guy asked me today if I was ready for the “Is It Sergio’s Time” articles that are all but certain if Garcia finds himself close to the top of the leader board heading into this weekend at Carnoustie. Well, no I’m not ready for them. I curse the day Phil ever won his first major. He’ll always be my standard for the “Is it (Insert Persons Name) Time” articles and reports. Nothing gave me greater pleasure then watching Phil’s 4 foot lip-outs on Sunday afternoons of majors. They were almost too predictable and still bring a smile to my face. Moving past my digression, Sergio has become the new “Best Golfer to Never Win a Major”. Garcia is only 27 years old, so maybe that label isn’t fair quite yet, but he is very talented and has had plenty of opportunities to pick up a major. Just Look!

Results in major championships:

Tournament	1996	1997	1998	1999
The Masters	DNP	DNP	DNP	T38 LA
U.S. Open	DNP	DNP	DNP	DNP
The Open Championship	CUT	DNP	T29	CUT
PGA Championship	DNP	DNP	DNP	2

Tournament	2000	2001	2002	2003	2004	2005	2006	2007
The Masters	T40	CUT	8	T28	T4	CUT	46	CUT
U.S. Open	T46	T12	4	T35	T20	T3	CUT	CUT
The Open Championship	T36	T9	T8	T10	CUT	T5	T5
PGA Championship	T34	CUT	T10	CUT	CUT	T23	T3

His 7 top five finishes are very impressive, but he hasn’t quite sealed the deal. So, is it time for Sergio to finally breakthrough and win a major?

Well, you would think he has a good chance.Sergio shot a -6under 65(remember this #) to take the outright lead heading into Friday’s second round at The Open Championship. So seemingly, he is in a good position to make a run. He tallied 7 birdies on Thursday and credits his success to his new found putting stroke. He is using a belly-putter that supposedly gives him more control over his ball on the greens. I suspect he somehow picked up that putter Rodney Dangerfield used in Caddyshack, but that’s neither here nor there. He’s putting well, and if he’s doing that he can win The Open. Hey, I’m beginning to think he’s going to win this thing the more I type.

Could it be? Is it time for Sergio? Wait, I hate those questions.

I have a better one. Can I put all of those “Is It Sergio's Time” articles to rest before they even get started?

Well, in fact I can! I just read something that all but guarantees Sergio will be an afterthought or John Van De Velding the 18^th hole on Sunday. You see, the lowest opening round score for a golfer who went on to win the British Open is 66.. EVER!

The Four Golfers

Peter Thomson Royal Lytham, 1958

Nick Faldo, Muirfield, 1992;

Greg Norman, Royal St George’s, 1993

Tiger Woods, St Andrews, 2005

So, I guess I’m saying unless Sergio is somehow able to overcome a usually shaky putter, the pressure of being ‘that guy”, a Sunday re-grip fest, and 135 years of British Open History, he’ll have to wait until the PGA Championship. Sorry Sergio, but you always have your bright pants!

Best Open Round by a Champion
Results Grid

Gary Player: Pinky Promises

So, Gary Player thinks steroids will inevitably invade golf. Here’s the proof he offered:

"One guy told me -- and I took an oath prior to him telling me -- but he told me what he did and I could see this massive change in him. And somebody else told me something I also promised I wouldn't tell, that verified others had done it."

Uhhh, what? I knew he was old, but come on Gary! The stupidest kid in pre-school makes fun of you for saying something like that. The reporter who asked the question immediately responded with this:

“Mr.Player, what you've just said is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever heard. At no point in your rambling, incoherent response were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.” I thought the quote was fitting and made me remember that Adam Sandler did, at one point, make funny movies.

Player believes golf organizations across the world have to act immediately if they wish to thwart a full-scale steroid epidemic. Interestingly, I thought golf tours were composed mostly of white, middle-aged men who look either like your next door neighbor, or your next door neighbor’s overweight wife. In fact, a large number of golfers have what many people refer to as “Man Boobs”. (“Mickelsons” in cleverer circles.)

Speaking of Phil, he seemed a little guilty when he was asked about the possibility of a PGA golfer testing positive to steroids saying, “"I don't think there's even a remote chance that will happen.” Yeah whatever Victor Conte, I have my suspicions.

I say this to Phil: “Whoever denied it supplied it.” I’ve based most of my life on this motto; not just my ongoing battle with stinky flatulence. Phil is intelligent though, drug dealers aren’t supposed to “use their own stuff”, and we all know Phil has never touched a steroid in his life; unless ‘steroid’ now means Peanut Butter Cup or Treatza Pizza.

The LPGA ladies aren’t out of the woods either. Their tour will begin testing next month. Laurie Davies’ should just suspend herself now. I feel bad for her girlfriend, I’ve heard roid’ rage is scary as hell. I urge anyone who thinks Player is correct in his belief that at least 10% of professional players are using steroids to watch the first round of the Open today. You’ll realize three minutes into coverage that he is dead wrong. Gary, shift your position from “there are steroids in golf” to “there are ridiculously sized driver heads that look like end tables in golf” and you might have a legitimate talking point.

Stu Scott