Just Waiting for the Regular Season to End

Among my many problems with the National Basketball Association is the length of the season. The definition of ‘grueling’ in some countries is viewed as ‘eighty-two games of basketball spread out over five and a half months.’ I would be mailing in games too if my playoff position was relatively known and we were playing game fifty-seven on the road in Toronto.

Not only do the players legitimately not care, most casual fans don’t even know what the hell is going on around the midpoint of the season. If you asked me the Cavs’ record right now, I would just shrug my shoulders and reply “they’re in good position to make the playoffs.” That’s probably how the players feel, too. So here are a couple of alternatives that my naïve mind has come up with to fixing this problem in the NBA:

1. Cut the season down to around sixty games.

Or

2. Cut the amount of playoff teams down to six per conference.

Or

3. Do both. I can’t decide if this would be a good idea or not yet.

At risk of looking like an idiot for going out of order, I’ll start with #2. Can you imagine the chaos that would be going on in the West if only six teams could make the playoffs? Every team would have to play their ass off in every game to keep their playoff hopes alive. That’s pretty much the only reason it would be a good idea, because it would maintain the grueling level of the length of the season.

That said, I like option #1 the best. This would probably bring the length of the season down to about 4 months. With that few games, players have to legitimately worry about every game coming into play regarding their playoff hopes. Why do you think the NFL works so well? Every game matters, there’s only one per week, so there’s a better chance that that particular game will affect your teams’ playoff hopes and/or seed. If someone at any point during the NFL season asked me what the Browns’ record was, I would immediately rattle it off, because it matters week in and week out what happens. Also, this gives those bottom-of-the-barrel-lottery-teams less time to realize that they’re horrendous and that they need to start tanking to improve their lottery ball status.

So next time someone asks you what your NBA team’s record is, just tell them you’re waiting for the playoffs to start because the regular season is pretty, pretty, pretty bad.

(DISCLAIMER: Yes, I know that this would never fly because the owners would shit a brick over the lost ticket sales)

Ohio: Adding a Few More Bridesmaids' Gowns to the Closet

This past weekend marked yet another rough set of championship games for Ohio.

First-- Saturday, DIII NCAA Football powerhouse Mount Union College Purple Raiders, located in Alliance, Ohio, went down to Wisconsin Whitewater in the DIII National Championship game in Salem, Virginia. This marked the third consecutive year of the same matchup for the Championship, but the first time that Mount Union lost. Being a native of Alliance, I realize that as the fans may be spoiled with multiple recent championships, they are still Ohio residents. Ohio residents that have gone through multiple runner-up bids over the past calendar year. Not to mention, the Purple Raiders were found at just around minus-20 in Vegas casinos leading up to the game.

Then, Sunday, Ohio State lost its third championship game of the year. This time in soccer. After taking a 1-0 lead early in the championship against Wake Forest, Ohio State fell 2-1.

Let's recap the Ohio bridesmaids:

1. NCAAFB (DI)- Ohio State Football Buckeyes (January)
2. NCAABB- Ohio State Basketball Buckeyes (early April)
3. NBA- Cleveland Cavaliers (June)
4. AFL- Columbus Destroyers (July)
5. NCAAFB (DIII)- Mount Union College Purple Raiders (December)
6. NCAA Soccer- Ohio State Buckeyes (December)

You really can't make this stuff up. I dread the possibilities this coming January 7th, as our Football Buckeyes take on the Bayou Bengals.

BCS Bowl Projections

This is funny. OSU in the Title game again. The BCS loves Columbus. Oh, and by the way, all of the luck in Ohio sports funnels right to the capital. Shocking stuff, but I love it.

Anyway,

National Championship Game-- OSU vs LSU

Let the Les Miles dick sucking party begin. Oh and to everyone that hates OSU (sammich, I'm looking at you), who else should be there? I'm not saying they deserve it-- in fact, no one really deserves it. They should almost consider canceling the game.

Rose Bowl-- USC vs Illinois

USC is tied in with the Pac-10 Championship, and the Rose gets the first replacement pick since OSU is #1. I say they take Illinois for tradition's sake. They like that in Pasadena.

Sugar Bowl-- Georgia vs Hawaii

The Sugar gets the second replacement pick. I say they take Georgia. They also get the last pick and get beated with Colt Brennan.

Orange Bowl-- Virginia Tech vs Kansas

The Orange takes the ACC champion, and gets the first pick after replacements are made. Kansas is the pick here. If they took West Virginia, the Fiesta would end up with Big 12 vs Big 12. Not allowed

Fiesta Bowl-- Oklahoma vs West Virginia

Oklahoma is tied in with the Big 12 spot. West Virginia. Whatever.

How many of these will you watch? I'll watch the Rose and the NCG I guess. Maybe Fiesta? We've become too spoiled with great college teams to watch every year (USC with Leinart and Bush, Vince Young, those awesome Miami teams). Now we're upset because no one is dominating. Oh well. We'll check back after the results come out in ten minutes. Eh, probably not.

Exposing San Francisco and the Seahawk who wishes he lived there

I hope the few of you that still check in here enjoy.

The NFL guys who play out on the West Coast usually don't have to explain themselves to us lazy Midwesterners. We get home from school or work and tend to move only when a pizza man is knocking at the door or when the remote control falls to the ground. Even urinating is an issue. Sometimes I have to trick myself into thinking something really cool or fun is in my bathroom so that I don't pee in my pants. In fact, I've considered adult diapers, but I've got an active bladder, and the extra absorbency I'd require would drive the price up too high; non-commodity items are typically expensive.

As a result of this laziness, we tend to forget to hold West Coast players as accountable as, say, someone like Ben Toothlessberger or Eli Manning. We hear and read more about the east coast guys. When they are struggling, we all know and are very quick to criticize. Other teams out west, like the Cowboys, do get a ton of national media coverage, but for the most part, teams such as San Francisco and Seattle go under the radar.

Well, I'm sick of it. A little accountability is needed. I will not sit back indolently as west coast players get a free pass. The east coast bias works two ways my west coast friends. You can't have your cake and eat it to. (I have no idea what that means or if its relevant to the point I'm trying to make, but it sounds interesting, and I hear it used from time to time in situations that seem a little "double-standardy", so I'm going to go with it.)

So today, I've turned into a bit of a Sherlock Holmes, and decided to expose a few west coast NFL players who have destroyed many a Fantasy League for hard working, honest, American football enthusiasts this year. These guys have floated under the radar for too long and now its time they are properly criticized (or injured if you are one of those folks who is entirely too serious about Fantasy Football.) .To be honest, I am not angered by any of this as I haven't checked my fantasy teams since week 2 (after taking two devastating beats at the hands of Marion Barber), but I know some of my more motivated fantasy brethren are, so I'll bitch on their behalf.

I have to begin with Darrell Jackson of San Francisco. He's been an absolute late term abortion. Jackson has 20 catches for fewer than 240 yds. He is the inspiration for this article. I remember being told how great of a pick this was during my fantasy draft. At first, I thought my jackass friends had convinced me to take a guy they knew was going to suck, but a closer looked indicated that wasn't the case. Jackson was pretty decent with the Seahawks , and was expected to be San Francisco's #1 receiver.

Here's a little description of his 06' season:

Jackson caught 63 passes for 963 yards and a career-high 10 touchdowns last season. He was leading the NFL in touchdown receptions late last season before he missed three games with turf toe.

So this douche almost reaches 1000 yards last year, and doesn't even play during the last part of the season. Now, he's on pace for under 500 yards and has scored one time. Really, Darrell? He should be forced to listen to Mellancamp's "Our Country" on repeat for 2 years straight. Then, everyone who drafted him should get to line up at his house in San Fran and take a dump on his doorstep.He wouldn't care. He's making around $5 million this year. What are the odds of him playing for the Arena League's Colorado Crush next year?

Jackson's teammates aren't fairing too much better. Alex Smith, Vernon Davis, and Frank Gore have combined for around 120 points, which means the entire 49ers offense doesn't have as many points as the top 5-10 individual fantasy performers. This was supposed to be the 49ers break out season, and instead, their kicker, Joe Nedney. has more points than every offense player other than Gore. Vernon Davis wears Under Armor, so I guess he has an excuse, but the others have some explaining to do. San Francisco players, "YOU MUST PROTECT YOUR HOUSE." Now, imagine me screaming this, while wondering why Under Armor has such a ridiculous advertising campaign. You'd have to be on steroids (or painkillers I guess) to enjoy this shit.

The next guy that needs to be mentioned is the fruit cocktail, Shaun Alexander. He's been an absolute waste. I knew he was overvalued, and he's definitely been delivering some beats in leagues across the country. He hasn't rushed for over 50 yards or scored a touchdown in his last 4 games. I'd suggest fantasy owners get rid of him before he gets knocked out for the year. Yes, his '05 campaign was one of the best in NFL history, but he was running behind the Seahawk's left side of the offensive line, so it's a bit skewed. Once Hutchinson left for Minnesota, I knew Alexander would struggle. He still has Walter Jones, but it's not quite the same without #76. Oh, and if you don't believe these guys were instrumental in helping Alexander win his MVP, look at what Purple Jesus is doing up in Minnesota with Hutchinson's help.

Shaun Alexander just annoys the piss out of me for some reason. Maybe it's because he sounds like a white guy (a la Tony Gwynn) and can usually be seen smiling and dancing all gayishly on the sidelines. I'm not really sure, but it makes me want to hurt infants and old people (two age groups I generally enjoy). Watch this video. He gives Fr. Jon Kitna a run for his money.

I'm starting to get angry now, so I'll stop. I'll attempt to break down the Travis Henry disaster and take a look at those unpredictable Cardinals next week. Oh, Phillip Rivers isn't good either, but I blame that on Norv Turner. People are always saying "Fire Norv Turner, Fire Norv Turner.", and I disagree with that statement. I don't think he should be fired. I think he should be shot into space in one of those cool rocket ship type things. That way the San Diego front office could avoid some of that weird tension that happens when someone gets called into the office and told, "you're going to have to be let go." Firing someone is awwwkkkwaarrrdd.

Editing is for c-words.

The truth on LeBron’s horrible outing

LeBron sucked last night. Considering that he is one of the most talented players in the game today, there have to be some deep, dark reasons as to how he could let himself look like complete shit on the opening night of the NBA on ESPN. We’ve come up with a few ideas:

1. He was up late last night waiting to get confirmation on the Joe Girardi hire. Being a Bronx native Akron native, he was really excited about bringing Girardi back to pinstripes. He’s loved the Yankees ever since he was young and they were good. Respectable.

2. After seeing the big news about Tony Romo’s new outrageous contract, LeBron called him up to congratulate. Being that his grandma’s sister’s cousin’s maid’s ex-boyfriend is from Dallas, LeBron just loves those Cowboys (and always has-- no bandwagon jumping here). He was so excited that he flew Romo into Cleveland, took him downtown and celebrated accordingly, being up into the wee hours of the night. Stupid hangovers.

3. Upon seeing Grady Sizemore and C.C. Sabathia in center court lower level seats decked out in Mavericks gear, LeBron was hurt that professionals that play in his own city would root against him and the Cavs’ quest to make it to the NBA Finals again to get embarrassed. Oh wait, Grady and C.C. would never do that.

Don’t be surprised when Anderson Varejao signs a 5 yr/$55 million desperation contract offer.

Guy's Favorite Guys (Vol. 3, Halloween Edition; Special Guest Co-contributor-- Le Cheff)

Tis the Halloween season and the costumes are out, as usual. The typical college male is on the prowl and making a fool of himself. To cut the suspense, lets just get right down to it.

"I'm huge and looking to show off the bod" Guy

This is the guy thats wearing the tight muscle shirt and is pushing you out of the way while he's trying to get to the keg. He most likely looked at himself in the mirror, checking out his package in his speedo, before he gained the self esteem to come out in public with it on. Favorite quote: "Hey ladies, check out my pecks."

"Athlete wearing their own jersey" Guy

We get it. You play a varsity sport at a college or high school. Congrats, man. The least you could do is show off the huge bod like "I'm huge and looking to show off the bod" Guy. Dick. Favorite quote: "I play sports in case you didn't know."

"Dude where's your costume?" Guy

So there are some people that don't sport the costume at the bar. Whatever. They don't need the asshole in his shitty Boston Red Sox cap and David Ortiz jersey shirt asking "Hey man why didn't you dress up? I'm Big Papi tonight, and you're just a bum!"

"Guy that dresses up like the person that he intrinsically wants to be" Guy

Maybe a tough concept for you blog readers, but stick with us. Think about the wigger that has always wanted to dress like a black man, but has never been able to do it in a social setting. Tonight is his night to wear an Allen Iverson jersey with only one shoulder being covered with the AI sleeve, and a teardrop drawn in black Sharpie under his left cheekbone. In turn, all of the black innuendos that he has wanted to pursue come out tonight-- it's finally acceptable. Favorite quote: "Wassup dawg?"

"Way too cool to dress up" Guy

These guys sit in the corner and make fun of all the assholes that we just described. Rightfully so? Maybe. But hey, it's Halloween. You're supposed to make a jackass out of yourself.

It's November 1st by the time of this posting. Better late than never.

Just Checking In

I don't have much to say about the ALCS. Except, damn. That was pretty cruel. Any true Ohio fan knows that our Buckeyes are going down to Penn State in Happy Valley on Saturday and that the Rams are taking the Browns behind the woodshed for their first win of the season. After all, when it rains, it pours. That's just how it goes sometimes. I would also like to apologize on behalf of the Indians for denying all of you fans of another Bridesmaid article. I know you were all very excited.

Tribe-Yankees Game One: Sabathia vs. Wang (Insert Penis Joke Here)

Let's make this quick. The Indians play host to the Yankees tomorrow evening at 6:30 for Game 1 of the ALDS. Certain victory looms for the Tribe, as the Yankees haven't faced off against Sabathia since 2004, before he was a real ace. And with a name like Wang, you're asking to get slapped.

But seriously, this game will set the tone for the rest of the series. Although that may be true for every series, it is especially true for this one. The Yankees beat the Indians in the season series 6-0. If the Tribe can't win with their ace on the mound at the Jake, this team might start agreeing with everyone else; that they just can't beat the Evil Empire. I will be in Cleveland for this game, but not in the stadium. That way I can be there if the city sees fit to set up the collective noose. I imagine Derek Jeter would be the one kicking the chair.

Speaking of Jeter, I found it absurd outrageous appalling all of the above that he doesn't appear on Simmons' 25 Players to Watch in the ALDS. Seriously, I typed "Jeter" into the "Find" feature after reading the article and there were no results. Either it's some weird Boston thing where you can't say his name in October or Simmons is just a big jackass.

"Too high. It's too high."

Scout.com Could Have Told You That, Indiana

As you have probably already heard, Indiana Hoosiers basketball recruit Bud Mackey was arrested for carrying around some coke (not a big deal). Anyway, I found this humorous when a friend linked me over to Mackey’s Scout.com profile, where he told me to look at his “Areas for Improvement”:

AREAS FOR IMPROVEMENT

Decision Making
Perimeter Shot
Values Structure

Anyone who questions which site to look at, Scout.com or Rivals.com, every time they are looking up recruits should be clearly convinced after this that Scout is the winner. Especially considering Mackey’s past (from ESPN.com):

Scott County Schools Superintendent Dallas Blankenship told the Herald-Leader the district would review disciplinary action, adding that Mackey had never been in trouble before at the school.

How much time did these scouts spend with this kid to realize that he had some values problems even though he didn't ever get in trouble at school? A day, tops, right? Amazing. Keep up the great work, Scout.com.

Uh Oh, Joe Blowrowski is on the Prowl

Don't look now, but Indians' closer Joe Borowski has been having a rough couple of games. Actually, a rough season. However, in his last two appearances, Borowski has blown both save opportunities against the Seattle Mariners. Very encouraging with the playoffs on the horizon. But here's the problem-- Cleveland fans aren't surprised at the least by this. Here's why:

G	IP	H	R	HR	BB	SO	W	L	SV	WHIP	ERA
67	63.2	75	39	9	16	57	4	5	43	1.43	5.23

Why does Joe Borowski still have the closer job? One stat: saves. The dumbest stat in all of baseball. The stat that managers actually manage around when deciding whether or not to bring their "closer" in. Rafael Perez and Rafael Betancourt, the other two pitchers in the back end of the Indians bullpen, have ERAs of 1.66 and 1.49, respectively. Either of these two (probably Betancourt) should be the closer for this team. Just don't say I (and the rest of Indians fans) didn't warn you when Joe Blow pulls a Jose Mesa in late October.

Mark Cuban to Mow Kym Johnson’s Lawn... Nice.

Some of Mark Cuban’s decisions have been questionable in the past. His Dairy Queen stint was absurd. His constant making-an-ass-out-of-himself-at-Mavs-games is ridiculous. And now, of course, he is going to appear on Dancing with the Stars. I can think of better ways for a millionaire to spend his time than appearing on a show that can only embarrass you. Here’s what he has to say about it (from dallasnews.com):

"Guys are going to love watching me because I'm pulling out every white guy's dream moves," he said. "I've got the lawn mower, I've got the sprinkler working, I've got the churn-the-butter working."

Wait, it gets even better: "I made my partner promise we'd put one of those in every single dance, so watch out."

Cuban’s partner that he speaks of is Kym Johnson (pictured above). I have no idea who she is, but Cuban is probably doing this for the potential ass, because there is obviously no way that he actually wants to be on the show, right?

Cuban also just got his hip replaced, which could possibly make him the comeback dancer of the stars. Or something. Anyway, I don’t appreciate Cuban’s stereotypes of white guys not being able to dance. I’ve been known to bust out the Moses before, and I’m not afraid to part the Red Sea again.

Better Late Than Never

On Wednesday night, heaven was hopping. God, the angels, the Holy Spirit, and even J.C. were hanging out just watching some baseball. While the Angels, their favorite team, were on commercial break, the Holy Spirit flipped over on God’s DirecTV MLB package to see what the Cubs and Reds were up to. As Ken Griffey, Jr. stepped up to the plate in the 8^th inning, bedlam occurred:

God: Wait, Ken Griffey, Jr.? Didn’t I already get that task over with?

Holy Spirit: No, I was wondering what you were doing-- he’s been healthy all year. He’s got 30 homers, 93 RBIs, and he’s batting .277. But haven’t the Reds suffered enough? This would be totally unnecessary.

God: Wow. I’m really disappointed in myself. I usually take care of him by about June.

(fast forward to bottom of the eighth-- Ryan Theriot singles to right field… and Griffey injures himself…. Throwing the ball??-- a deep laughter is heard throughout the heavens)

Jesus: Dad, you’re such a dick.

Poor Ken.

Yeah, Hines, I’m gonna have to ask you to come in on… Saturday.

This story puts a smile on my face; all the while removing that smirky ass grin from the face of Hines Ward (Sorry Logan, this article is completely necessary).

Ward owns a bar with two other business associates, the Locker Room Bar & Grille, which they opened together in December 2005. One of the associates, Nicholas Lettieri, claims that there’s money missing from the business. From PittsburghLive.com (The Pittsburgh Tribune-Review):

Lettieri leveled accusations in court documents that [Kimberly] Pitts (editors note- the third associate), her husband, Korry Pitts, and Ward failed to deposit cash receipts into the company accounts and have diverted the funds to their own personal bank accounts. Lettieri states that despite profits of more than $1 million and insurance money of $500,000, the company's bank accounts totaled less than $19,000 as of last week.

As much as the Cleveland fan in me wants to make fun of Ward for stealing, I can’t look past the history of the third associate, Kimberly Pitts and her husband Korry. Korry was sentenced to 30 years in prison in 1997 for distributing narcotics (so why is he not in jail?). The point is, assumptions lead me to believe the Pitts may have had more to do with it than Ward. But that’s not nearly as fun as making funny jokes, like these ones:

• Seriously Hines, is this necessary? First the Steelers name the field after you. And then they give you that 5 year, $27 million contract in 2005. Really? That wasn’t enough? So you had to drain out your little bar’s bank account? Greedy bastard.

• I think Hines may have messed up a mundane detail, like Michael Bolton and the decimal point thing in Office Space. What’s next? Is Alan Faneca accidentally going to burn down the building and let Hines off free like Peter Gibbons, Samir Nagonnaworkhereanymore, and Bolton? I could see Faneca being a red Swingline guy.

• Hey Hines, remember when the refs cheated for you in the Super Bowl? Well they can’t bail you out of this one! (cheap shot-- my apologies)

Oh, and Hines. I'm gonna need you to come in on... Sunday, too.

[PittsburghLive.com]

Plaxico Burress Considering Faking an Injury

Fact: The Giants are pretty bad

Fact: Eli Manning, when pressured, hangs his receivers out to dry

Fact: Sean Taylor and LaRon Landry are both capable of putting opponents into an intensive care unit, as seen last night on Monday Night Football

Now you see Plaxico’s dilemma.Why should he put his body on the line for a crappy team with a crappy quarterback against the most feared safeties in the league? A source of mine, and it is a good one (or did I dream this-- ehh, screw it), let me in on a little secret. Burress has been on the horn all morning with the best and brightest looking for advice on how to fool Tom Coughlin to make him think that he is injured, and as a result, won’t have to be on the wrong end of a blood bath at FedEx Field this coming Sunday. If I’m Plax, I get Paul Pierce, Vince Carter, Randy Moss and every Italian soccer player I can get a hold of in a conference call to figure out the best way to sit out of a game without actually being injured.

In closing, here’s a reiteration about what Landry’s high school coach said about him:

"If they go over the middle, I'll bet on him. I'll give him a dollar if he takes T.O. out," said Lou Valdin, Landry's coach at Hahnville High. "He'll shut him up because he can hit you and hurt your whole family. Interception for a touchdown or put a guy in the hospital? That's a tough decision for LaRon."

He and Taylor are probably pretty good friends. You know, like those two psycho guys that are friends with each other, get in fights once every couple of weeks, but are made up the next day.

Plaxico, go with “Ruptured spleen.” That shit is can’t miss.

The Magic Number: 7

The Indians expanded their lead over the Tigers in the Central to 5.5 games Monday night. Jhonny Peralta hit two homeruns, one of which tied the game in the bottom of the 8^th. The Tribe went on to win in the bottom of the 11^th off of Casey Blake’s walk-off home run, his second in the past four games.

This qualifies for excitement in Cleveland. With two more games with the Tigers coming up today and Wednesday, it is possible that the magic number could be down to five, or even (gasp) three with a sweep.

Back to Blake: Sammich and I were discussing this last night. Indians fans have always looked at Blake as a "glue guy." What does this exactly mean?

1 cup leadership
2 cups clubhouse persona
1 cup versatility
1/8 cup (is that possible? I'm bad with measurements) clutch hits

add water... and what do you get?

Well, in 2007 you get a .267 average, 17 homers, 72 RBIs, an OBP of .337 and a slugging % of .434.

And two walk off home runs when the Indians needed them most.

Watch out for this team in October (assuming we get there-- yes, I am paranoid enough to cover up my possible jinx). Sabathia and Carmona is a pretty scary one-two punch. And I guess watch out for Blake too.

In other Cleveland news as you may have heard, the Browns beat the Bengals 51-45. I still haven't quite figured out how this happened yet (most people are saying a combination between Charlie Frye was a cancer and the Bengals defense is horrid), but maybe I'll be able to sort more of this out after we see a road game this weekend.

Just Looking to Put Some Food on the Table

As you may have already heard, Travis Henry has a few kids here and there. Nine to be exact. And that’s a lot of mouthes to feed. I’m sure he doesn’t regret that lavish spending that bumps up his child support numbers so high. But as they say, what’s done is done. And now Travis Henry has to be good at football. No, really. He doesn’t have a choice.

As Henry’s lawyer, Shiel Edlin said:

“He doesn't have any money. The guy has significant financial issues.”

And that’s despite signing a contract in the offseason for 5 years, $22.5 million with a total of $12 million in guarantees. That twelve should go a long way, but to pick up his entire contract, Henry needs to be running with a purpose in Denver. After all, Shanahan could put a paraplegic back there and they’d run for 1,700 at this point, so he better give them a reason to keep paying him.

And guess what? He’s coming through so far. As of Monday afternoon, Henry is leading the league in rushing with 267 yards through his first two games. Considering all of the drama in the last two Broncos victories, his achievements are being lost in the translation. In week one, Jason Elam and the rest of the field goal team ran out on the field and barely got a game winner up for the win. On Sunday, Sebastian Janikowski kicked the game winner in overtime, but the referees gave Mike Shanahan his timeout that he called right before the snap. Seabass went on to hit the top of the post on his second attempt and Elam went on to work his magic again. This team could easily be 0-2. But they’re 2-0, and Henry has played a large part in that, despite getting his touchdowns ganked by the likes of Cecil Sapp and Brandon Marshall.

By the time it’s all said and done, Henry will be added to the list of backs that reaped the benefits of the Broncos system. And you may see an influx in the number of Henry jerseys being sported in Florida, North Carolina, Texas, and Georgia.

[Atlanta Journal Constitution]

Prime Time Tackles Oxygen

Deion Sanders played two sports back in his day; now he is moving onto his second television genre, making the move from sports commentator to reality television. On the Oxygen Network. I can’t stress this enough. The show is going to be called Deion and Pilar Sanders: Prime Time Love. I’ll let guidelive.com take the parameters of the show from here:

Prime Time Love will follow the couple and their five kids, focusing on former model Ms. Sanders' desire to do something bigger with her life than the family's tiny town of Prosper can offer. Meanwhile, Mr. Sanders is content to stay home with the kids and enjoy his retirement.

This concoction of reality television and athletes is getting out of hand. Jesse Palmer on The Bachelor wasn’t a big deal just because he was a shitty backup quarterback holding a clipboard and wearing a baseball hat. But Emmitt Smith, Jerry Rice and Clyde Drexler embarrassing themselves on Dancing with the Stars? That kind of thing makes me appreciate how Brett Favre is still gunslinging away instead of making an ass out of himself on Spike TV or some other shitty network.

This reality show has shades of Committed: The Christies written all over it. Deion must be whipped. The article even says that the Sanders pitched the show to the network. I wonder whose idea that was (hint: not Deion's). The real problem here is that we might be seeing more of Deion on his new stint than his gig on NFL Gameday that airs on NFL Network, considering about 19 people in the country get that channel.

[guidelive.com]

Michigan's Application to become a Cleveland Team

Cleveland teams are of a different ilk than any other sports city in the country. To qualify, three particular guidelines must be met:

1. Excitement- This category includes when things happen, usually in the offseason, to stir us up and give us false hope. For instance, the Browns just drafted Brady Quinn and Joe Thomas. Everyone is flipping out. The Indians are pretending to be good, but I’m not going to be making plans to celebrate a World Series Crown. And the Cavs have LeBron. The night they won the lottery is one that I will not soon forget.

2. Letdown- This criterion applies after excitement occurs. Something happens that may not even be that exciting, but it’s a letdown nonetheless. The Browns get us excited with their draft, and then lost 34-7 in the season opener to the Steelers, never actually being in the game. Maybe we should have seen that one coming though. The Indians got us excited in 2005, nearly coming back to win the Central, and then proceeded to lose something like 9 out of 11 down the stretch. This year’s results, as mentioned above, are yet to be determined. The Cavaliers actually made it to The Finals. Then they got Danza slapped.

3. The Past- The Browns actually left us for a few years. The Drive. The Fumble. Red Right 88. That’s enough about them. The Indians were leading the Marlins going into the bottom of the 9^th in 1997 in Game Seven. And lost. The Cavaliers fell victim to Michael Jordan a couple of times, most notably the shot you see on that commercial all the time.

Lather, rinse, and repeat.

So what’s my point? Everyone knows Cleveland teams suck complete ass. So we have our three professional sports, but there is no college in Cleveland that is saddled with this unfortunate luck. Ohio State is basically a Cleveland team because everyone loves them up by the lake, but I can’t accept them considering they won a National Title in the past 5 years. That’s unacceptable if you’re a Cleveland team. Come on, Buckeyes-- you’re better than that. It is interesting though, because they have recently just tackled two of the criteria (excitement- [choose one-- Ohio State basketball or football] makes National Title Game. Cue letdown. Get their asses beat by Florida). However, it’d be way too easy to give Ohio State the Cleveland label. And they definitely don't meet the third criteria, the past, because they are often called "The Luckeyes." Definitely a "no" on that one. So we’re taking applications from other colleges just for fun (primarily for football reasons; after all, ‘tis the season), and here’s what Michigan’s would probably look like, despite the clashing idea of the Wolverines being accepted by Ohioans:

1. Excitement- Chad Henne, Mike Hart, Jake Long, Mario Manningham and everyone else that mattered from last year’s team returns for another year! Hart, Long, and Henne are specifically coming back for a National Title. Hopes are at an all-time high in Ann Arbor. It’s going to be an awesome year. Plus, we’ve got Ohio State at the Big House. We can run the table for sure!

2. Letdown- Appalachian State comes into town for the season opener. Michigan football is finally kicking off. And then, the disaster occurs. We’re the first team to ever lose to a I-AA team while ranked. To rub salt into the wound, Oregon follows Appy State’s lead and beats the piss out us on our home field. Sadness. Despair. Anguish. Gloom. And of course, kittens.
   

3. The Past- Ironically enough, lately Michigan just can’t get past Ohio State. Since Jim Tressel has been coaching the Buckeyes, the record is at 5-1 in favor of OSU. It’s a mind game between Tressel and Lloyd Carr by now. Despite the “kind of national championship” in 1997, UM has shown a history of bad luck and misfortune. This would also include being excluded from the National Championship game just last season, even though in the end, we learned that probably neither Ohio State nor Michigan should have been there. Oh well.

Good luck finding us a better application than that. That is a pretty solid resume. Maybe a couple of interviews with the AD and Carr can lock this up. We are accepting other applicants (hint to Sammich, Buzzsaw or BigLots: Notre Dame is a pretty good candidate as well).

Ann Arbor, OH. That’s an oxymoron.

Bob Costas Has a Little Hop in His Step (Get it? Little)

During the Fox pregame show on Sunday, Frank Caliendo’s skit was aired, as it is every week. Here’s what went down:

In the bit, Caliendo-as-Madden wondered who could have been the jockey on Chad Johnson, the Bengals receiver, when he beat a horse in a charity race in June.

“Hey, where’s that little guy who plays Costas?” Caliendo asked, which brought the real, nearly 5-foot-7 Costas on-screen.

Costas mocked Caliendo’s height (a shade below Costas’s), offered a list of renowned people shorter than he, and told Caliendo: “I work with John Madden. Frank, you don’t measure up.”

Clever. But the catch? Costas works for NBC, not Fox. What a little snake. And to cap things off, he doesn’t really give a shit:

Costas, by phone Sunday, said it was kept "a secret" from both Fox and NBC — "I don't know if I had to (get NBC's permission), but I didn't."

NBC Sports chairman Dick Ebersol said that he thought the bit was humorous. I would say that too, Ebersol. With this Keith Hernandez/Napoleon complex, Lord knows what Costas would have said about Ebersol after his “As anyone can plainly see, I'm 5-6 1/2 and a strapping 150, and unlike some people, I came by all of it naturally” Barry Bonds burn.

[New York Times]
[USA Today]

Rumor: Frye to be cut (hahaha); Quinn to start Sunday vs. Cincinnati

Today on WTAM 1100, the Cleveland Browns' flagship station, Browns' sideline reporter Andre Knott reported that Ken Dorsey's truck was spotted in Berea at the complex. Andre said Charlie Frye might be cut and that Quinn could start Sunday. Knott also said that adding into the equation is the fact that Sunday marks the easiest defense on the schedule in a long time, the Bengals.

This is about as exciting news as a Browns fan could hear right now, considering 34-7. Frye couldn't have looked worse. And remember-- Quinn was very unhappy when Dorsey was let go. He said that Ken was a very good mentor for him. This also adds to the theory that the Browns coaches and front office is completely incompetent. Releasing Dorsey, starting Frye, then possibly cutting Frye and picking Dorsey back up. What in the world is going on on the lake?

Remember, this is just a rumor. But where there's smoke, there's fire. We'll check back with you after this all unfolds.