Ohio: Adding a Few More Bridesmaids' Gowns to the Closet

This past weekend marked yet another rough set of championship games for Ohio.

First-- Saturday, DIII NCAA Football powerhouse Mount Union College Purple Raiders, located in Alliance, Ohio, went down to Wisconsin Whitewater in the DIII National Championship game in Salem, Virginia. This marked the third consecutive year of the same matchup for the Championship, but the first time that Mount Union lost. Being a native of Alliance, I realize that as the fans may be spoiled with multiple recent championships, they are still Ohio residents. Ohio residents that have gone through multiple runner-up bids over the past calendar year. Not to mention, the Purple Raiders were found at just around minus-20 in Vegas casinos leading up to the game.

Then, Sunday, Ohio State lost its third championship game of the year. This time in soccer. After taking a 1-0 lead early in the championship against Wake Forest, Ohio State fell 2-1.

Let's recap the Ohio bridesmaids:

1. NCAAFB (DI)- Ohio State Football Buckeyes (January)
2. NCAABB- Ohio State Basketball Buckeyes (early April)
3. NBA- Cleveland Cavaliers (June)
4. AFL- Columbus Destroyers (July)
5. NCAAFB (DIII)- Mount Union College Purple Raiders (December)
6. NCAA Soccer- Ohio State Buckeyes (December)

You really can't make this stuff up. I dread the possibilities this coming January 7th, as our Football Buckeyes take on the Bayou Bengals.

The truth on LeBron’s horrible outing

LeBron sucked last night. Considering that he is one of the most talented players in the game today, there have to be some deep, dark reasons as to how he could let himself look like complete shit on the opening night of the NBA on ESPN. We’ve come up with a few ideas:

1. He was up late last night waiting to get confirmation on the Joe Girardi hire. Being a Bronx native Akron native, he was really excited about bringing Girardi back to pinstripes. He’s loved the Yankees ever since he was young and they were good. Respectable.

2. After seeing the big news about Tony Romo’s new outrageous contract, LeBron called him up to congratulate. Being that his grandma’s sister’s cousin’s maid’s ex-boyfriend is from Dallas, LeBron just loves those Cowboys (and always has-- no bandwagon jumping here). He was so excited that he flew Romo into Cleveland, took him downtown and celebrated accordingly, being up into the wee hours of the night. Stupid hangovers.

3. Upon seeing Grady Sizemore and C.C. Sabathia in center court lower level seats decked out in Mavericks gear, LeBron was hurt that professionals that play in his own city would root against him and the Cavs’ quest to make it to the NBA Finals again to get embarrassed. Oh wait, Grady and C.C. would never do that.

Don’t be surprised when Anderson Varejao signs a 5 yr/$55 million desperation contract offer.

Uh Oh, Joe Blowrowski is on the Prowl

Don't look now, but Indians' closer Joe Borowski has been having a rough couple of games. Actually, a rough season. However, in his last two appearances, Borowski has blown both save opportunities against the Seattle Mariners. Very encouraging with the playoffs on the horizon. But here's the problem-- Cleveland fans aren't surprised at the least by this. Here's why:

G	IP	H	R	HR	BB	SO	W	L	SV	WHIP	ERA
67	63.2	75	39	9	16	57	4	5	43	1.43	5.23

Why does Joe Borowski still have the closer job? One stat: saves. The dumbest stat in all of baseball. The stat that managers actually manage around when deciding whether or not to bring their "closer" in. Rafael Perez and Rafael Betancourt, the other two pitchers in the back end of the Indians bullpen, have ERAs of 1.66 and 1.49, respectively. Either of these two (probably Betancourt) should be the closer for this team. Just don't say I (and the rest of Indians fans) didn't warn you when Joe Blow pulls a Jose Mesa in late October.

Better Late Than Never

On Wednesday night, heaven was hopping. God, the angels, the Holy Spirit, and even J.C. were hanging out just watching some baseball. While the Angels, their favorite team, were on commercial break, the Holy Spirit flipped over on God’s DirecTV MLB package to see what the Cubs and Reds were up to. As Ken Griffey, Jr. stepped up to the plate in the 8^th inning, bedlam occurred:

God: Wait, Ken Griffey, Jr.? Didn’t I already get that task over with?

Holy Spirit: No, I was wondering what you were doing-- he’s been healthy all year. He’s got 30 homers, 93 RBIs, and he’s batting .277. But haven’t the Reds suffered enough? This would be totally unnecessary.

God: Wow. I’m really disappointed in myself. I usually take care of him by about June.

(fast forward to bottom of the eighth-- Ryan Theriot singles to right field… and Griffey injures himself…. Throwing the ball??-- a deep laughter is heard throughout the heavens)

Jesus: Dad, you’re such a dick.

Poor Ken.

The Magic Number: 7

The Indians expanded their lead over the Tigers in the Central to 5.5 games Monday night. Jhonny Peralta hit two homeruns, one of which tied the game in the bottom of the 8^th. The Tribe went on to win in the bottom of the 11^th off of Casey Blake’s walk-off home run, his second in the past four games.

This qualifies for excitement in Cleveland. With two more games with the Tigers coming up today and Wednesday, it is possible that the magic number could be down to five, or even (gasp) three with a sweep.

Back to Blake: Sammich and I were discussing this last night. Indians fans have always looked at Blake as a "glue guy." What does this exactly mean?

1 cup leadership
2 cups clubhouse persona
1 cup versatility
1/8 cup (is that possible? I'm bad with measurements) clutch hits

add water... and what do you get?

Well, in 2007 you get a .267 average, 17 homers, 72 RBIs, an OBP of .337 and a slugging % of .434.

And two walk off home runs when the Indians needed them most.

Watch out for this team in October (assuming we get there-- yes, I am paranoid enough to cover up my possible jinx). Sabathia and Carmona is a pretty scary one-two punch. And I guess watch out for Blake too.

In other Cleveland news as you may have heard, the Browns beat the Bengals 51-45. I still haven't quite figured out how this happened yet (most people are saying a combination between Charlie Frye was a cancer and the Bengals defense is horrid), but maybe I'll be able to sort more of this out after we see a road game this weekend.

Michigan's Application to become a Cleveland Team

Cleveland teams are of a different ilk than any other sports city in the country. To qualify, three particular guidelines must be met:

1. Excitement- This category includes when things happen, usually in the offseason, to stir us up and give us false hope. For instance, the Browns just drafted Brady Quinn and Joe Thomas. Everyone is flipping out. The Indians are pretending to be good, but I’m not going to be making plans to celebrate a World Series Crown. And the Cavs have LeBron. The night they won the lottery is one that I will not soon forget.

2. Letdown- This criterion applies after excitement occurs. Something happens that may not even be that exciting, but it’s a letdown nonetheless. The Browns get us excited with their draft, and then lost 34-7 in the season opener to the Steelers, never actually being in the game. Maybe we should have seen that one coming though. The Indians got us excited in 2005, nearly coming back to win the Central, and then proceeded to lose something like 9 out of 11 down the stretch. This year’s results, as mentioned above, are yet to be determined. The Cavaliers actually made it to The Finals. Then they got Danza slapped.

3. The Past- The Browns actually left us for a few years. The Drive. The Fumble. Red Right 88. That’s enough about them. The Indians were leading the Marlins going into the bottom of the 9^th in 1997 in Game Seven. And lost. The Cavaliers fell victim to Michael Jordan a couple of times, most notably the shot you see on that commercial all the time.

Lather, rinse, and repeat.

So what’s my point? Everyone knows Cleveland teams suck complete ass. So we have our three professional sports, but there is no college in Cleveland that is saddled with this unfortunate luck. Ohio State is basically a Cleveland team because everyone loves them up by the lake, but I can’t accept them considering they won a National Title in the past 5 years. That’s unacceptable if you’re a Cleveland team. Come on, Buckeyes-- you’re better than that. It is interesting though, because they have recently just tackled two of the criteria (excitement- [choose one-- Ohio State basketball or football] makes National Title Game. Cue letdown. Get their asses beat by Florida). However, it’d be way too easy to give Ohio State the Cleveland label. And they definitely don't meet the third criteria, the past, because they are often called "The Luckeyes." Definitely a "no" on that one. So we’re taking applications from other colleges just for fun (primarily for football reasons; after all, ‘tis the season), and here’s what Michigan’s would probably look like, despite the clashing idea of the Wolverines being accepted by Ohioans:

1. Excitement- Chad Henne, Mike Hart, Jake Long, Mario Manningham and everyone else that mattered from last year’s team returns for another year! Hart, Long, and Henne are specifically coming back for a National Title. Hopes are at an all-time high in Ann Arbor. It’s going to be an awesome year. Plus, we’ve got Ohio State at the Big House. We can run the table for sure!

2. Letdown- Appalachian State comes into town for the season opener. Michigan football is finally kicking off. And then, the disaster occurs. We’re the first team to ever lose to a I-AA team while ranked. To rub salt into the wound, Oregon follows Appy State’s lead and beats the piss out us on our home field. Sadness. Despair. Anguish. Gloom. And of course, kittens.
   

3. The Past- Ironically enough, lately Michigan just can’t get past Ohio State. Since Jim Tressel has been coaching the Buckeyes, the record is at 5-1 in favor of OSU. It’s a mind game between Tressel and Lloyd Carr by now. Despite the “kind of national championship” in 1997, UM has shown a history of bad luck and misfortune. This would also include being excluded from the National Championship game just last season, even though in the end, we learned that probably neither Ohio State nor Michigan should have been there. Oh well.

Good luck finding us a better application than that. That is a pretty solid resume. Maybe a couple of interviews with the AD and Carr can lock this up. We are accepting other applicants (hint to Sammich, Buzzsaw or BigLots: Notre Dame is a pretty good candidate as well).

Ann Arbor, OH. That’s an oxymoron.

Rumor: Frye to be cut (hahaha); Quinn to start Sunday vs. Cincinnati

Today on WTAM 1100, the Cleveland Browns' flagship station, Browns' sideline reporter Andre Knott reported that Ken Dorsey's truck was spotted in Berea at the complex. Andre said Charlie Frye might be cut and that Quinn could start Sunday. Knott also said that adding into the equation is the fact that Sunday marks the easiest defense on the schedule in a long time, the Bengals.

This is about as exciting news as a Browns fan could hear right now, considering 34-7. Frye couldn't have looked worse. And remember-- Quinn was very unhappy when Dorsey was let go. He said that Ken was a very good mentor for him. This also adds to the theory that the Browns coaches and front office is completely incompetent. Releasing Dorsey, starting Frye, then possibly cutting Frye and picking Dorsey back up. What in the world is going on on the lake?

Remember, this is just a rumor. But where there's smoke, there's fire. We'll check back with you after this all unfolds.

Dear Dallas. Enjoy Darren McFadden. Signed, Cleveland.

It’s probably too early for me to write anything rational about 34-7. Oh well.

Lowlights:

-There was never a reason to be excited during the actual game. It was all buildup pregame. Five minutes into it, the Steelers were up 10-0 coming off ridiculous mistakes by the Browns offense and special teams.

-The ridiculous mistakes I speak of consist of a botched punt that included four Browns’ penalties (two defensive holdings, an illegal formation, and ineligible downfield kick). That has to be some sort of record. It was amazing. Also, a Charlie Frye interception that would have been intercepted by the Steeler behind Deshea Townsend (the guy that picked it off) had Townsend not been there. I thought they were going to fight over it.

-At first, it seemed as though the defense wasn’t really doing all that bad. It’s just that the offense put them in horrible field position. For instance, on the Steelers’ first three scoring drives, they started at the Cleveland 22 (Touchdown), the Cleveland 17 (Field Goal), and the Cleveland 40 (Touchdown). That’s ridiculous. But then, they had three scoring drives in the second half from their side of the field. So who knows. It was just an atrocity in all regards.

Highlights:

-The line looked good for the first time since we have been Cleveland Browns v2.0. Frye and Anderson both had time, but did not make good decisions. And that is kind of important.

The result:

-This team looked pretty bad. And our draft pick should end up being pretty good this year, so you Cowboys fans should be pretty excited about that. But remember Browns fans, it’s easy to bitch that “we’re so stupid for trading our 2008 draft pick for Brady Quinn!” but it’s simply not the case. Trading our 2^nd rounder and this coming year’s first rounder was the equivalent of drafting Quinn in the first round next year, but giving up our 2^nd rounder to have the luxury of having him now. Plus, he might end up being pretty good. If he busts, maybe it looks stupid. But we need a quarterback. You know that if you watched any of Sunday’s game. Frye and Derek Anderson should be playing in the CFL.

So yeah, it’s gonna suck when Dallas is picking very high in next April’s draft, but it’s all a part of being a Cleveland fan.

Has Pronk Finally Awoken From His Slumber?

It’s safe to say that Travis Hafner hasn’t been fulfilling his expectations for this season, consider last year’s numbers (.308, 42 HR, 117 RBIs, and an OPS of 1.098).

However, he may be turning things around. Lets look at his last seven games (where the Indians are 5-2):

AB	R	H	2B	HR	RBI	BB
3	1	1	1	0	0	1
3	2	2	1	0	1	2
4	2	2	0	2	4	1
5	0	1	1	0	1	0
3	0	1	0	0	0	1
4	0	1	1	0	2	0
2	1	1	0	0	0	1
24	6	9	4	2	8	6

Hafner has been batting .375 and his on-base percentage is .625. He also had the game-winning sac fly in the September 4^th game at Minnesota. It looks like things may finally be turning around for him in a season where he’s batting .260, has an OBP of .398, only 21 homers, and whenever he steps up to the plate, every fan in Jacobs’ Field knows he’s striking out (97 strikeouts this year-- which may not really be all that bad, but is magnified when the rest of his numbers aren’t great).

Now that I say all of this, he will probably crawl back in his hole and disappear for the rest of September and however much of October the Indians get to play. Let’s assume they’ll make it to the Series and blow it. His recent emergence is great; the home runs, RBIs, etc-- all awesome. But the best thing about Pronk? He's clearly named after his penis.

Hey, somebody had to say it.

B-Easy Thinks Highly of Himself

After visiting the Official Website of Braylon Edwards, I can’t get enough of watching the intro to the site. Make sure you have your sound on-- the “B-Easy” tune by DJ Joey Fingaz is off the hook (or something?).

Braylon has proclaimed, “I’m back.” I’m not exactly sure where he went, or if he had ever even arrived to Cleveland for that matter. All I remember is his holdout his rookie year, his subsequent non-stop talking to the media and yelling at Charlie Frye his second season, and his abysmal performance to go right along with it.

The best part? He actually had to make up a situation where he did something good:

Pittsburgh 24, Cleveland 20. It’s the fourth quarter. 4^th and 25. Ball on the Cleveland 32 yard line. The play clock is ticking, 4 seconds, 3, 2…

And Braylon streaks down the field for a 68 yard touchdown, all the while throwing a Steeler corner to the ground!

Talk about the most generic “hero that saves the game” scenario possible. It’s a situation in which a young selfish and immature high school wide receiver would dream about.

But then again, that’s pretty much what Braylon is.

[BraylonEdwards.com]

Thanks to a retired blogger for the tip.

Ohio State Season Preview After Game One: A Carl Contribution

I consider myself a pretty big Ohio State football fan, but a few things kept me from seeing the opener this year. They include The Big Ten Network and the fact that I-A teams don't lose to I-AA teams. Err, nevermind. So as much as I would like to grace you with my sarcastic comments about the Youngstown State game, I can't. So here is Carl's take. Enjoy witnessing his blogging cherry being popped:

This Ohio State team isn't nearly as scary as the past two teams, but that's when Coach Tressell is at his best. Three of the last four games this season are @ Penn State, vs. Wisconsin, @ Michigan. Yikes. I have no reason to think that they are a national championship threat, but here's how they looked on Saturday anyway (broken down positionally):

Offensive line

Bad? Yes. Real Bad? Maybe. Terrible run blocking. Not bad pass blocking for Todd Boeckman (who we'll get into in a minute). In this year's Sports Illustrated college football preview, the Ohio State section was all about Alex Boone and the rest of the offensive line, yet they were the unit that struggled the most on Saturday. I don't get it. If this line hasn’t gelled by Big Ten Season, the Buckeyes could be in for trouble.

Quarterbacks

Solid, considering who they are. Boeckman (pictured) is a statue in the backfield and can definitely be considered a true pocket passer. Actually, if he is on the run at all, his accuracy is completely shot. We'll see how this goes all season, unless of course he is replaced by St. X Bomber Rob Schoenhoeft, who is a surprisingly good runner with a strong arm.

Running backs

Beanie Wells looked pretty bad considering he was getting national media attention in the preseason. In fact, in the news today he said he didn't play as hard as he could have. That's encouraging. It just seems like he tries to take on too many bodies and wants to break a ton of tackles. As for the rest of the backs, freshman Brandon Saine played well in his debut. There is no doubt he is the faster player on the team. And for those Maurice Wells haters out there; he played well for Maurice Wells. Handing it off to him up to the middle is about as efficient as a Boeckman quarterback draw but in the open field he usually lives up to his nickname, “Florida Flash.” But that's what we pay him to do. I mean, thats why we gave him a scholarship.

Defensive Line

Lawrence Wilson is out for the season. That is not good. Vernon Gholston (pictured-- he is kind of ripped) had a pretty quiet game, but I expect that to change.

Linebackers

Nothing special. Laurinaitis had a solid game and he is a very good player, but despite Buzzsaw’s constant lobbying for Laurinaitis to win the defensive player of the year award last year, I don’t believe that he was the best defensive player in college football last season. Maybe that's just me. Also, Larry Grant had a good debut starting.

Secondary

Malcolm Jenkins is good. Anderson Russell seemed a bit shaky but that is expected after returning from a serious injury.

As far as the defense as a whole goes, it was that same bend don't break bullshit—it works but its sure frustrating.

Back to Tressell being at his best with teams that we don't expect anything out of, his playing calling was pretty vanilla on Saturday. As always, he showed nothing. But we all know that’s how the sweater vest operates. Another important note: a lot of guys saw playing time. Second and third stringers saw action as early as late in the first quarter. This just means he is still feeling out exactly what he has and who works well together.

What does it all mean?

2008 NATIONAL CHAMPIONS

On a more serious note though, there is no reason this team shouldn’t be unblemished heading into State College on October 27. That game will show how good these Buckeyes really are. Logically I would say 10-2 this season but there is a still a part of me that finds this team very similar to the one in 2003. We Shall See.

The Long and Winding Road: Tim Couch

Note: Prepare for a completely biased account regarding my deep love and affection for the one, Tim Couch.

Let’s start this off with my first memories of the legend. 1999. The Browns get a new team after Art Modell stripped Cleveland of their beloved just three years prior. I’m 13 years old. Of course I’m going to love whoever they draft in the first round. Tim Couch, quarterback out of the University of Kentucky it is. I have two, count ‘em, TWO Couch jerseys in my closet to this day. I already had the brown when my uncle bought me the white; I kept it anyway. The Browns went a paltry 2-14 in their expansion season. Their first win was on the road against the Saints where Couch connected with everyone’s favorite rookie Kevin Johnson on a Hail Mary. It was awesome. Oh, and his running back was Terry Kirby that year. Yep.

The 2000 season was the one where he ended up playing 7 games and broke his thumb in practice. The team was awful, they went 3-13, and Chris Palmer got nixed. Tough break, kid. (I still don’t understand why they fired Palmer so early. It was an expansion team for Christ’s sake).

2001 was the year that the soon-to-be-devil showed his face. Butch Davis entered the scene and brought the team to a 7-9 record-- pretty exciting stuff in Cleveland. This was the year that I specifically remember Chris Berman and TJ giving out fake presents on NFL Primetime during the Christmas season. They said they would give the Browns a real running game to see how good they really could be. That tells you how bad Couch’s team sucked, and he hung in there to throw for 3,000 yards. This was the year of the bottle throwing incident (I was there). I could sit here and say they got robbed and should have been 8-8, but I won’t will. They should have been 8-8.

Then, 2002 happened. I have probably never been more excited in my sports life. The Cleveland Browns (the BROWNS!) made the playoffs while strapped on the back of a pretty good defense and Tim Couch. Couch threw for nearly 3,000 yards and had 18 touchdown passes. He looked like he was going to be a serviceable-at-worst starter after all, leading the team to an 8-6 record when he started. This was also the year when Browns fans cheered when he got hurt against the Ravens on Sunday night (week five) because they were excited for Holcomb to come in (amazing what a 1-1 record to start the year can do for you because Couch was shelved with elbow tendonitis). He bounced back to go 7-4 in his next 11 starts after the Sunday night Baltimore debacle despite the fans giving up on him in week five.

The final game of the season was against the Atlanta Falcons. Tim’s bad luck continued, as he broke his leg during the game (read: out for playoffs). The Browns went on to win, and a berth in the playoffs was clinched after the Jets delivered a little beat to the Packers for us.

With Couch shelved, Kelly Holcomb got the nod in the playoff game at Pittsburgh. Because of his decent 2 starts at the beginning of the season mentioned above, Browns’ fans had sufficient confidence in him. Some were even ecstatic that he was playing instead of “That bum Tim Couch.” That confused me, and I, of course, was distraught that Couch couldn’t play in the playoff game that he earned, but it was still Browns playoff football.

The Steelers’ secondary was absolutely awful that year. Holcomb lit them up for 429 yards, 3 TDs, and 1 INT, going 26/43 passing in the 36-33 loss. I can’t stress the word loss enough.

Can I sit here and tell you that the Browns would have beaten the Steelers had Couch played instead of Holcomb? Of course not; the defense was abysmal that game, getting owned by Tommy Maddox.

A quarterback controversy erupted going into the 2003 season. You had your senseless Holcomb backers and your loyal Couch supporters. Butch Davis announced his decision, saying that he had a “gut feeling” about Holcomb. I almost puked in my mouth. How could a player be stripped of his job due to an injury, when the replacement didn’t even take the team anywhere? This wasn’t a Brady over Bledsoe or Warner over Green situation. This was a team that was guided to a 9-7 record under one guy, then they lost a playoff game where the replacement threw for a bajillion yards against a bad secondary in a shootout. Get out of town, Butch.

And he did. Butch and Kelly followed up the playoff season with a less than stellar 5-11 record. Tim and Kelly each saw action in 10 of those games, but at that point, Couch’s playing time didn’t matter. All confidence was lost in Couch by both Davis and the fans that irrationally jumped on the “Kelly Holcomb is God Bandwagon.” Whoever was driving shotgun of that thing drove it into a telephone pole. I’m sure there were many casualties (call it survival of the fittest). Couch was let go by the team, and that was the extent of his Cleveland Browns stint.

I can’t tell you that they would have been a lot better than 5-11 in the “gut feeling” year, as I call it, but I bet they would have. It’s a lot different being the backup with no pressure that everyone loves than the starter, isn’t it, Kelly?

Butch then started off 2004 with a bang, going 3-9 and securing that his ass got fired. He took the rest of his guaranteed contract money, with a smile on his face I’m sure, and went back to college football where he belongs. All while helping to wreck what could have been a pretty good Tim Couch career. Thanks for letting us witness your ego problem, Butch.

And the beats haven’t stopped. He has since had a boatload of arm troubles, and he just never got anything going. He was actually booed off the field at Lambeau in training camp during his preseason appearances with the Packers. Talk about a shattered self-esteem.

Just because I don’t feel like summarizing Tuesday’s steroid news, here’s what someone posted on his Wikipedia page:

On August 28, 2007, Yahoo! Sports reported that Couch, while attempting to recover from shoulder surgery, knowingly took anabolic steroids and human growth hormone as part of his daily regimen. HGH are banned by the NFL. Despite Couch's statements that he never took any illegal steroids, the same reports indicate that he did while taking the HGH. This also comes months after Couch said he never took HGH, so these statements have now been rebutted. If a NFL team signs Couch for the 2007 season, pending the outcome of the investigation Couch could face disciplinary action because a free agent or retired player who attempts a comeback remains subject to the NFL's drug policy.

That’s pretty much it. Tim will always hold a special place in my heart. But he doesn’t give a shit. He still has his guaranteed money from his rookie contract and Playboy Playmate Heather Kozar as his wife.

I guess I shouldn't feel bad after all.

Mike Bibby wants to be a Cavalier

A friend of the blog’s, Pat, had a little run-in with Mike Bibby in the Bahamas this past week. In fact, Pat was hanging out with Bibby and his two brothers in the Dragon Club VIP room at the Royal Towers Casino for two hours. As the story goes, Bibby’s brothers recognized a friend of Pat’s, Bobby, from lifting with him earlier in the week.

Bibby’s thoughts on where he wants to be? Well, one of his brothers says he’s either going to end up with the Heat or the Cavaliers. But Bibby himself wants to be in Cleveland (Ichiro has a confused look on his face right now).

Danny Ferry, I hope you read Log's Blog. Go after this guy-- he is a real, live point guard.

Those Clever ESPN Folks

Did the great minds in Bristol really think we wouldn't notice? Scheduling the final results announcement of Who's Now on the final day of the PGA Event that Tiger Woods has owned ever since stepping foot on Firestone's South golf course? Woods has won six of the last ten events at Firestone Country Club, located in Akron, Ohio. On Sunday, he laughed his way up and down the course, slapping "the major caliber course" in the face by being the only player to finish in red numbers at eight-under par (-8). Hey, at least Rory gave us a storyline.

Tiger's unlucky Who's Now opponent? LeBron James from, you guessed it, Akron, Ohio. Not a bad Sunday for Tiger-- he dismantled both Akron's heralded golf course and it's pride and joy, all in one day.

Today's most Now athlete had this to say about ESPN's bracket style contest: "As a huge fan of ESPN, this is an honor. They always come up with cool new content. I'd like to thank all the fans who took the time to vote for me." I like the cool new content as well, Eldrick.

As a side note, Tiger has been playing in the event at Firestone since 1997 (they keep renaming the tournament, or I would call it by its name). Here is how he has fared in those 10 years:

T3, T5, 1, 1, 1, 4, T4, T2, 1, 1, 1

He owns Akron. The least he could do is give LeBron his due and a goddamn Who's Now title. Asshole. Yeah, I know-- another bridesmaids gown for Ohio-- it's like clockwork. (Inserting "LeBron will never be as good as Michael!" bash) But hey, we all know his Airness would have taken Tiger down! Okay, that's better.

The Ohio Bridesmaids: We Care about "Who's Now"

Not again, and not ESPN. I’m beginning to think this is some kind of sick joke.We’ve already documented the 2^nd place finishes of the Ohio State Buckeye football and basketball teams, as well as the crushing defeat of the the Cavaliers at the hands of the French flag waving Tony Parker and his Spurs. Next, came the loss of the Columbus Destroyers in the Arena whatever you call it. However, we thought the insanity was over until the Cleveland Indians made an improbable run to the World Series only to suffer a loss to whichever NL team plays poorly enough to sneak in. (I won’t even begin to touch on the rumors of Michael Vick’s planned midseason raid of the Dawg Pound.)

Now, we find out that Lebron James is facing Tiger Woods in ESPN’s “Who’s Now” championship. You’ve got to be kidding me. Lebron navigated through his tough bracket defeating Kelly Slater, who’s nickname in the bracket was the fitting “Who’s That”. I think she may have been in Playboy, so I guess I shouldn’t be complaining. In the semifinals, Lebron took down Shaquille O’Neil, setting up a match-up with ESPN’s “King of Swing” Tiger Woods. We all know how this one is going to end.

I’m pretty sure Tiger doesn’t lose unless he wants to. One would be foolish to assume he’s not going to do everything in his power to ensure victory, even if that means skipping his preparation for the PGA Championship to vote for himself 1 million times over the next day. Hey, the guy is an absolute nut. So, the trend will most certainly continue regardless of any attempt by Stuart Scott to sway the vote with his “Boo-Yahs” and “Cooler than the other side of the pillow’ references during Lebron’s highlight package.

We were beginning to think that Ohio, the bridesmaid, would eventually get her chance. I guess that’s not the case. Ohio is like the really fat, ugly bridesmaid who lost her shot at getting married a few too many twinkies ago. The state of Florida crushed any Ohio State Buckeye title hopes, and now it looks like one of its residents will do the same. It’s unfortunate, a “Who’s Now” victory would have completely made up for the other crushing Ohio defeats. Wait, not at all, but it would have been a start. A really, really small and annoying start.

Damn, Lebron even played second fiddle to Kimmel at the ESPY’s.

(This was a Guy Production in association with Poor Man's Entertainment. All information contained above came from Guy who was attending a concert and had no internet access.)

Mr. Heather Kozar is Back

The Jacksonville Jaguars are giving former first overall pick Tim Couch another chance, awarding him with a 2 year contract for the veterans’ minimum. Couch was picked by the Cleveland Browns, and since then is the Browns’ most winning quarterback, which is actually kind of sad once you think about it. What most people don’t remember is that Couch is the one that led the Browns to the playoffs in 2002, only to be injured in the final game of the regular season and have ass hole Butch Davis give his job to Kelly Holcomb on “a gut feeling” going into the 2003 season. Holcomb threw for, like, a lot of yards against the Steelers in that playoff loss, which was apparently enough to sell Davis on his quarterbacking abilities as a starter. Have you ever heard of someone actually losing their job because of an injury, besides Brady/Bledsoe and Warner/Trent Green (guys who went on to win the Super Bowl). This chain of events has not and will never be explained to me in a way that I will understand. Anyway, since then, Couch has been hampered by arm-related injuries. Hopefully for him, his injury troubles are behind him and a triumphant comeback is on the horizon. Who knows, maybe David Garrard and Byron Leftwich will be too busy gawking at Mrs. Couch (former Playboy Playmate) to throw complete passes.

The First Cut is not the Deepest

Ohio did it again Sunday, losing in yet another championship game-- this time it was the Columbus Destroyers giving the bridesmaid speech for the San Jose SaberCats in the Arenabowl XXI. And yes, I know what you’re thinking: “There have been twenty-one Arenabowls? How many do they do? Like three a year?” (That may or may not have been a recycled joke). Apparently this game was a big deal, because the Mikes announced it on ABC at 3pm. That is just some primetime stuff.

Anyway, the Destroyers went down valiantly, with the final score showing 55-33, SaberCats. The 7-9 Destroyers actually had the game tied at 14 at one point during the game, but could not finish off their terrific playoff run (I’m just assuming it was terrific-- it’s not like I actually watched it). It’s as if Destroyers’ quarterback Matt Nagy knew that the Destroyers were openly going for beats. When asked about the offense after the game, he said "It's safe to say the last five weeks, we were in a really good rhythm. Tonight, offensively, we just couldn't get in that rhthym - we were hoping to stretch it one more game." It was a good effort, Matt, and the state of Ohio applauds you. 24-for-43, 203 yards and four touchdowns isn’t bad, so at least you didn’t lay a complete egg like another certain Ohio quarterback. But then again, I guess when you convert that to college football statistics; it’s like 4-for-14, 35 yards and an interception (burn).

Ohio: The Bridesmaid of America

In light of the Columbus Destroyers’ berth into the Arena Football League Championship (National Championship of Arena Football? Arena League Super Bowl? Who cares?), it is time to take a look back on the year in Ohio sports. Hide the women and children.

The “Been there, done that” Group

Ohio State Football Buckeyes vs. Florida Gators- Kind of a funny one. Most Buckeyes fans had claimed the National Championship after the victory over the #2 Michigan Wolverines. Well, the National Title rolled around, and the Bucks subsequently rolled over. Some would call it a beatdown, but I just called it a travesty. Urban Meyer completely outcoached Jim Tressel; and Florida’s players completely outplayed those of Ohio State’s. It was a tough one to swallow for Buckeyes fans, considering the fact that it didn’t even feel real as it was going on. Seriously, who expected 41-14?

Ohio State Basketball Buckeyes vs. Florida Gators- This one definitely didn’t hurt nearly as bad as the Gator ass beating of the football variety. Everyone knew for the Buckeyes to win they would have to absolutely play out of their asses. And Greg Oden did. Everyone else just forgot to show up. Oh, and Al Horford and Lee Humphrey played all right. The Gators rolled in this one, 84-75. (Not that you give a shit, but this is the only one so far that didn’t directly affect me personally).

Cleveland Cavaliers vs. San Antonio Spurs- For most Ohio fans, it is just a relief that this shellacking didn’t come courtesy of a Florida team. After an absurd performance from LeBron in the Leastern Conference Finals, the Spurs put them in their place in The Finals (it is important to capitalize “The” in “The Finals”). Also, the Cavaliers’ lack of a point guard and pretty much any sign of a supporting cast really hurt their bid in this one, but that is for another article at another time.

The “Soon to be added to the list” Group

Columbus Destroyers vs. San Jose Sabercats- The real story of this article-- the city of Columbus will be balls to the wall excited come Sunday, July 29th. However, this one has another blowout written all over it. I’m not sure how the AFL works, and I’m not about to research it, but the Destroyers are taking their 7-9 record into the championship game (San Jose went 13-3). That pretty much sums it up. Whatever-- no one actually cares about the AFL, anyway. Troy Smith will look good in a Destroyers uniform in a few years.

Other possible candidates

Cleveland Indians vs. Insert Shitty NL Representative Here- The Indians are surely in the playoff hunt, so who knows what could happen. A reason I could see them going down in the Series is that they suck in NL parks, considering one of their top three hitters, Travis Hafner, is a DH. He would have to move to first in the Series, moving Ryan Garko out of the lineup. That would suck.

Cleveland Browns vs. Their Kids in a Backyard Game- Eh. I probably could have done better than that. On a serious note, we can start talking Browns in 2009, or 2008 in the best case scenario.

I would have used the Bengals for the NFL part, but they’re a bunch of ass holes. Oh, and I'm focusing on mostly Cleveland if you haven't noticed.

Anyway, if the Indians actually make the World Series and lose, I’ll be the guy that’s dead, face down in a ditch somewhere.