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Ohio: Adding a Few More Bridesmaids' Gowns to the Closet

This past weekend marked yet another rough set of championship games for Ohio.

First-- Saturday, DIII NCAA Football powerhouse Mount Union College Purple Raiders, located in Alliance, Ohio, went down to Wisconsin Whitewater in the DIII National Championship game in Salem, Virginia. This marked the third consecutive year of the same matchup for the Championship, but the first time that Mount Union lost. Being a native of Alliance, I realize that as the fans may be spoiled with multiple recent championships, they are still Ohio residents. Ohio residents that have gone through multiple runner-up bids over the past calendar year. Not to mention, the Purple Raiders were found at just around minus-20 in Vegas casinos leading up to the game.

Then, Sunday, Ohio State lost its third championship game of the year. This time in soccer. After taking a 1-0 lead early in the championship against Wake Forest, Ohio State fell 2-1.

Let's recap the Ohio bridesmaids:

1. NCAAFB (DI)- Ohio State Football Buckeyes (January)
2. NCAABB- Ohio State Basketball Buckeyes (early April)
3. NBA- Cleveland Cavaliers (June)
4. AFL- Columbus Destroyers (July)
5. NCAAFB (DIII)- Mount Union College Purple Raiders (December)
6. NCAA Soccer- Ohio State Buckeyes (December)

You really can't make this stuff up. I dread the possibilities this coming January 7th, as our Football Buckeyes take on the Bayou Bengals.

BCS Bowl Projections

This is funny. OSU in the Title game again. The BCS loves Columbus. Oh, and by the way, all of the luck in Ohio sports funnels right to the capital. Shocking stuff, but I love it.

Anyway,

National Championship Game-- OSU vs LSU

Let the Les Miles dick sucking party begin. Oh and to everyone that hates OSU (sammich, I'm looking at you), who else should be there? I'm not saying they deserve it-- in fact, no one really deserves it. They should almost consider canceling the game.

Rose Bowl-- USC vs Illinois

USC is tied in with the Pac-10 Championship, and the Rose gets the first replacement pick since OSU is #1. I say they take Illinois for tradition's sake. They like that in Pasadena.

Sugar Bowl-- Georgia vs Hawaii

The Sugar gets the second replacement pick. I say they take Georgia. They also get the last pick and get beated with Colt Brennan.

Orange Bowl-- Virginia Tech vs Kansas

The Orange takes the ACC champion, and gets the first pick after replacements are made. Kansas is the pick here. If they took West Virginia, the Fiesta would end up with Big 12 vs Big 12. Not allowed

Fiesta Bowl-- Oklahoma vs West Virginia

Oklahoma is tied in with the Big 12 spot. West Virginia. Whatever.

How many of these will you watch? I'll watch the Rose and the NCG I guess. Maybe Fiesta? We've become too spoiled with great college teams to watch every year (USC with Leinart and Bush, Vince Young, those awesome Miami teams). Now we're upset because no one is dominating. Oh well. We'll check back after the results come out in ten minutes. Eh, probably not.

Santana Sweepstakes, Etc.

I know, I know, most of you probably thought this site was dead. Well, you're probably right. What can I say, we've been busy. The only thing that's kept me from announcing the end of the blog is that there's really no reason to shut it down considering its free. So we'll probably keep posting things when we get the chance and maybe people could check it once a week or something like that until we can get this thing going again (big if).

Anyway, I wanted to say a few things about a few things instead of studying for my finals. First off, the Yankees and Red Sox are in yet another bidding war that exemplifies why most people hate them. But the argument, at least from my perspective, is that you can't be that critical of them because they've both worked pretty hard to put themselves in this position. Its a far cry from the Yankees teams of the late nineties who threw money around hapazardly like they were Lil Wayne at the Gold Club. Both teams are in the position to make solid offers for Santana and still leave their farm systems in pretty good condition. In the case of the Red Sox they can actually deal two players because they have an overabundance of talent. Ellsbuy is blocked in CF by Crisp and SS Jed Lowrie is blocked by Julio Lugo and Dustin Pedroia.

So who is going to get Santana in the end? The Yankees have announced that they are offering Phil Hughes to go along with Melky Cabrera and a third mid to high level prospect. The Red Sox were offering Jon Lester, Coco Crisp, Lowrie and a fourth prospect but have decided add Ellsbury instead of Crisp and remove Lester from the equation. I'm assuming that any change in the Red Sox offer at this point would have to make it at least equal to the Yankees offer if not better, otherwise why make it? The Yankees cannot upgrade much more since they have already said they will not include Joba Chamberlain or Ian Kennedy under any circumstances, so the question is really who do the Twins prefer: Ellsbury or Hughes? My opinion is that they would prefer Hughes since good pitching is harder to come by and there are some other CF options still out there (Aaron Rowand, Andruw Jones, etc.). But the Red Sox have already decided they can part with Jon Lester since he was offered in the original package, so my guess is that they will be forced to give him up too if they want to land Santana. While that would be a pretty steep price, especially knowing Santana will demand something around $140 million over six years, a rotation of Santana, Beckett, Matzusaka, Schilling, and Buchholz is something that should be too good to pass up.
Let the hating continue.


I also wanted to brag a little bit about Xavier basketball. In case you didn't know we're ranked 23 and 25 in the AP and Coach's poll respectively. Our average margin of victory is 25 points and we have six players averaging double figures. Let me say that again...six players averaging double figures. I know its early but watch out for this team.

The United States will be once again graced with my presence very shortly so check back in the next few weeks and who knows, maybe they'll be another post.

Ohio State is going to sneak in.

Fuck.

Hey Guys!
When Missouri beats Kansas tomorrow night and then loses in the Big 12 Championship(or vice versa) hybn, TOSU will face off against West Virginia in the National Championship game. Do either of those teams deserve to be there? Absolutely not. But who else does? Nobody. TOSU has the 79th hardest schedule in the nation. That's fucking hard. They should be #1 because of all the good teams they beat. The only good team they played was Illinois, who lost the Mizzou by six, Iowa by four, and michigan by six (Chad Henne for Heisman is one of the worst quarterbacks ever and he makes michigan that bad). Who knows how TOSU will fare in the title game.

Maybe I prematurely said WVU will sneak in. We all know how bad the BIG EAST is and they still have UCONN and SHIT at home. There is a pretty good chance they will lose once Pat White gets hurt in the first half. This means Rudy Carpenter still has a chance OHHHH wait no he doesn't, good luck not getting drafted.

Could it be Georgia if they beat the Jackets and LSU? Nah I'll take the GaTech defense in an upset. Let's not go any deeper into the rankings. I am getting into the VaTech, Oklahoma, USC territory and the voters will keep LSU, Kansas, and Mizzou in front of them. So here's the deal. The Ohio State University is already a LOCK for the title game. God hates me and therefore its sold, no arguments please. Who will they play? Who cares. It's too hard to tell.

However teams need to learn something. TOSU has scraped by into the national championship game twice in the past five or six years. So for future reference follow the Bucks plan. If your conference is going to be bad, and your team is going to be bad, just schedule the MAC, and I-AA teams for out of conference. Then hope you go undefeated (thank you Juice) and sit around for three weeks watching teams lose. The Big 12 and SEC have their title games and those usually knock off a good team. Ohio st. does something smart by not scheduling any bye weeks. They don't lose any momentum or rhythm during the season, and when its over they just sit around and wait.

The strong schedule isn't necessary to make it anymore coughirishcough. If teams like Ohio State can not play a single tough team and make it to the big game, then why should anyone voluntarily play anyone with players who aren't mentally retarded. Just hope every other team sucks. 12-0 is always a good indicator to these oblivious news writers.

*if tosu played wvu they will lose. tressel cant stop the spread offense. hes retarded when it comes to stopping blacks. ie vince young, percy harvin, juice willians, tim tebow (black at heart)

Exposing San Francisco and the Seahawk who wishes he lived there

I hope the few of you that still check in here enjoy.

The NFL guys who play out on the West Coast usually don't have to explain themselves to us lazy Midwesterners. We get home from school or work and tend to move only when a pizza man is knocking at the door or when the remote control falls to the ground. Even urinating is an issue. Sometimes I have to trick myself into thinking something really cool or fun is in my bathroom so that I don't pee in my pants. In fact, I've considered adult diapers, but I've got an active bladder, and the extra absorbency I'd require would drive the price up too high; non-commodity items are typically expensive.

As a result of this laziness, we tend to forget to hold West Coast players as accountable as, say, someone like Ben Toothlessberger or Eli Manning. We hear and read more about the east coast guys. When they are struggling, we all know and are very quick to criticize. Other teams out west, like the Cowboys, do get a ton of national media coverage, but for the most part, teams such as San Francisco and Seattle go under the radar.

Well, I'm sick of it. A little accountability is needed. I will not sit back indolently as west coast players get a free pass. The east coast bias works two ways my west coast friends. You can't have your cake and eat it to. (I have no idea what that means or if its relevant to the point I'm trying to make, but it sounds interesting, and I hear it used from time to time in situations that seem a little "double-standardy", so I'm going to go with it.)

So today, I've turned into a bit of a Sherlock Holmes, and decided to expose a few west coast NFL players who have destroyed many a Fantasy League for hard working, honest, American football enthusiasts this year. These guys have floated under the radar for too long and now its time they are properly criticized (or injured if you are one of those folks who is entirely too serious about Fantasy Football.) .To be honest, I am not angered by any of this as I haven't checked my fantasy teams since week 2 (after taking two devastating beats at the hands of Marion Barber), but I know some of my more motivated fantasy brethren are, so I'll bitch on their behalf.

I have to begin with Darrell Jackson of San Francisco. He's been an absolute late term abortion. Jackson has 20 catches for fewer than 240 yds. He is the inspiration for this article. I remember being told how great of a pick this was during my fantasy draft. At first, I thought my jackass friends had convinced me to take a guy they knew was going to suck, but a closer looked indicated that wasn't the case. Jackson was pretty decent with the Seahawks , and was expected to be San Francisco's #1 receiver.

Here's a little description of his 06' season:

Jackson caught 63 passes for 963 yards and a career-high 10 touchdowns last season. He was leading the NFL in touchdown receptions late last season before he missed three games with turf toe.

So this douche almost reaches 1000 yards last year, and doesn't even play during the last part of the season. Now, he's on pace for under 500 yards and has scored one time. Really, Darrell? He should be forced to listen to Mellancamp's "Our Country" on repeat for 2 years straight. Then, everyone who drafted him should get to line up at his house in San Fran and take a dump on his doorstep.He wouldn't care. He's making around $5 million this year. What are the odds of him playing for the Arena League's Colorado Crush next year?

Jackson's teammates aren't fairing too much better. Alex Smith, Vernon Davis, and Frank Gore have combined for around 120 points, which means the entire 49ers offense doesn't have as many points as the top 5-10 individual fantasy performers. This was supposed to be the 49ers break out season, and instead, their kicker, Joe Nedney. has more points than every offense player other than Gore. Vernon Davis wears Under Armor, so I guess he has an excuse, but the others have some explaining to do. San Francisco players, "YOU MUST PROTECT YOUR HOUSE." Now, imagine me screaming this, while wondering why Under Armor has such a ridiculous advertising campaign. You'd have to be on steroids (or painkillers I guess) to enjoy this shit.

The next guy that needs to be mentioned is the fruit cocktail, Shaun Alexander. He's been an absolute waste. I knew he was overvalued, and he's definitely been delivering some beats in leagues across the country. He hasn't rushed for over 50 yards or scored a touchdown in his last 4 games. I'd suggest fantasy owners get rid of him before he gets knocked out for the year. Yes, his '05 campaign was one of the best in NFL history, but he was running behind the Seahawk's left side of the offensive line, so it's a bit skewed. Once Hutchinson left for Minnesota, I knew Alexander would struggle. He still has Walter Jones, but it's not quite the same without #76. Oh, and if you don't believe these guys were instrumental in helping Alexander win his MVP, look at what Purple Jesus is doing up in Minnesota with Hutchinson's help.

Shaun Alexander just annoys the piss out of me for some reason. Maybe it's because he sounds like a white guy (a la Tony Gwynn) and can usually be seen smiling and dancing all gayishly on the sidelines. I'm not really sure, but it makes me want to hurt infants and old people (two age groups I generally enjoy). Watch this video. He gives Fr. Jon Kitna a run for his money.

I'm starting to get angry now, so I'll stop. I'll attempt to break down the Travis Henry disaster and take a look at those unpredictable Cardinals next week. Oh, Phillip Rivers isn't good either, but I blame that on Norv Turner. People are always saying "Fire Norv Turner, Fire Norv Turner.", and I disagree with that statement. I don't think he should be fired. I think he should be shot into space in one of those cool rocket ship type things. That way the San Diego front office could avoid some of that weird tension that happens when someone gets called into the office and told, "you're going to have to be let go." Firing someone is awwwkkkwaarrrdd.

Editing is for c-words.

Weekend Sports Betting Preview

Fuck you BigLots

Buzzsaw:

Arizona State -7 v UCLA
Ohio State -15 v Illinois
Florida/South Carolina Over 59.5
Dallas -1.5 v NY Giants
Browns +10 v Steelers

BigLots:

Texas/Texas Tech Under 102.5
Miami +49 v Virginia
Kansas -5.5 v Oklahoma St.
New Orleans +10.5 v St. Louis
San Diego +3.5 v Indianapolis

Guy:

Wisconsin +3 v Michigan
Georgia -2 v Auburn
South Carolina +7 v Florida
New Orleans -10.5 v St Louis
Oakland +3.5 v Chicago

Sammich:

Weekend Sports Betting Preview

I suck, so I'm not gonna waste my time with a single game preview ... plus I'm lazy. Also, it's the Hawks opening night, and I'm too excited to think about anything else. It's actually weird how excited I am. For anyone who bets the NBA, 80% of people are on the Mavs, and the line hasn't budged ... they're winning. On to the picks.

Buzzsaw:

Temple +9 v Ohio
Virginia pk v Wake Forest
Notre Dame -3 v Navy
Redskins/Jets over 35.5 ... I'm gonna be on this huge, Skins defense is being majorly overrated their CBs are in shambles ... again.
Vikings +7 v Chargers

Biglots:

Ohio State -16 v Wisconsin
Texas/Oklahoma State Under 61.5
South Florida/Cincinnati Under 50.5
Browns/Seahawks Over 46.5
Eagles +3.5 v Cowboys

Guy:

Oregon -8 v Arizona St
Minnesota +12 v Illinois
South Florida -5.5 v Cincinnati
Colts +5 v Pats (Addai will be pow pow pounding the ball)
Saints -3 v Jaguars

Sammich:

Ohio State -16 v Wisconsin
Navy +3 v Notre Dame
UCLA -1 v Arizona
Colts +5 v Patriots
Seahawks +1 v Browns

The truth on LeBron’s horrible outing

LeBron sucked last night. Considering that he is one of the most talented players in the game today, there have to be some deep, dark reasons as to how he could let himself look like complete shit on the opening night of the NBA on ESPN. We’ve come up with a few ideas:

1. He was up late last night waiting to get confirmation on the Joe Girardi hire. Being a Bronx native Akron native, he was really excited about bringing Girardi back to pinstripes. He’s loved the Yankees ever since he was young and they were good. Respectable.

2. After seeing the big news about Tony Romo’s new outrageous contract, LeBron called him up to congratulate. Being that his grandma’s sister’s cousin’s maid’s ex-boyfriend is from Dallas, LeBron just loves those Cowboys (and always has-- no bandwagon jumping here). He was so excited that he flew Romo into Cleveland, took him downtown and celebrated accordingly, being up into the wee hours of the night. Stupid hangovers.

3. Upon seeing Grady Sizemore and C.C. Sabathia in center court lower level seats decked out in Mavericks gear, LeBron was hurt that professionals that play in his own city would root against him and the Cavs’ quest to make it to the NBA Finals again to get embarrassed. Oh wait, Grady and C.C. would never do that.

Don’t be surprised when Anderson Varejao signs a 5 yr/$55 million desperation contract offer.

Guy's Favorite Guys (Vol. 3, Halloween Edition; Special Guest Co-contributor-- Le Cheff)

Tis the Halloween season and the costumes are out, as usual. The typical college male is on the prowl and making a fool of himself. To cut the suspense, lets just get right down to it.

"I'm huge and looking to show off the bod" Guy

This is the guy thats wearing the tight muscle shirt and is pushing you out of the way while he's trying to get to the keg. He most likely looked at himself in the mirror, checking out his package in his speedo, before he gained the self esteem to come out in public with it on. Favorite quote: "Hey ladies, check out my pecks."

"Athlete wearing their own jersey" Guy

We get it. You play a varsity sport at a college or high school. Congrats, man. The least you could do is show off the huge bod like "I'm huge and looking to show off the bod" Guy. Dick. Favorite quote: "I play sports in case you didn't know."

"Dude where's your costume?" Guy

So there are some people that don't sport the costume at the bar. Whatever. They don't need the asshole in his shitty Boston Red Sox cap and David Ortiz jersey shirt asking "Hey man why didn't you dress up? I'm Big Papi tonight, and you're just a bum!"

"Guy that dresses up like the person that he intrinsically wants to be" Guy

Maybe a tough concept for you blog readers, but stick with us. Think about the wigger that has always wanted to dress like a black man, but has never been able to do it in a social setting. Tonight is his night to wear an Allen Iverson jersey with only one shoulder being covered with the AI sleeve, and a teardrop drawn in black Sharpie under his left cheekbone. In turn, all of the black innuendos that he has wanted to pursue come out tonight-- it's finally acceptable. Favorite quote: "Wassup dawg?"

"Way too cool to dress up" Guy

These guys sit in the corner and make fun of all the assholes that we just described. Rightfully so? Maybe. But hey, it's Halloween. You're supposed to make a jackass out of yourself.

It's November 1st by the time of this posting. Better late than never.

The Contest

Due to the fact that Buzzsaw was at the Virginia Tech debacle last night (Boston College is trash), I'm filling in for him and posting this week's picks. It's time to update the standings first though.

Standings
BigLots 26-14
Guy 22-18
Sammich 16-23-1
Buzzsaw 13-23-4


To sum it up, I'm awesome and Buzzsaw will be taking an entire beer up the butt shortly.

Onto the picks:

BigLots:
West Virgina/Rutgers Under 57
Houston/UTEP Over 74
South Florida -4.5 @ UCONN
Tampa Bay -3.5 vs. Jacksonville
NY Giants -9.5 @ Miami

Buzzsaw:
Iowa +3 v MSU
Ohio St -3.5 v Penn State
Minnesota +23 v Michigan
Redskins +16.5 v Patriots
Dolphins +9.5 v Giants
**BONUS** Bye pk v Notre Dame

Guy:
UConn +4.5 @ USF
Washington St +5.5 v UCLA
Oregon -3 v USC
Miami +9.5 v NYG in London
Carolina +6.5 v Indianapolis

Sammich:
Vanderbilt -13.5 v Miami (OH)
Ohio State -3.5 @ Penn State
Michigan -23 v Minnesota
New York Giants -9.5 v Miami in London
St Louis -3 v Cleveland

Things That Suck:

I've been in Germany the past week and haven't had access to a computer except to watch the Red Sox but sent me this article so here it is. Enjoy.

My Life:

I try to get things accomplished and end up writing 2 page blog articles. People tell me no when I offer to give them stuff for free. My favorite season, fall, is now 1 week long. It goes from 85 to 50 degrees over the course of three days. I'm down, and have decided I want to be a dog. As I sit next to my sister's dog, Boozer, who has been sleeping peacefully for the better part of two hours, my jealousy grows stronger and more steadfast

The dog doesn't do anything all day. He sleeps, walks around, chews on a bone, and whines when no one plays with him. People watch when he is going to the bathroom, which kind of sucks, but I'd let someone put a leash on me and take me outside to drop my deuce in a heartbeat if it came along with all of the perks of being a dog. No responsibilities of any kind exist for this thing, and he's the biggest asshole in the world. Doesn't have to wipe after shits, farts whenever he feels like it (yep, he just ripped one in his sleep and didn't even notice), and gets to bark (the dog form of yelling at people) whenever he is unhappy. Oh, and if he rolls over, he gets a treat. If I roll over, it probably means my apartment is burning to the ground.

His life seems so simple. Throw in a couple prescription pills, some bottles of bud light, and the ability to bet on the occasional sporting event, and I would accept any offer to become a dog.

The World Series:
After the Red Sox route yesterday, I am beginning to think this World Series is going to be as boring as the others we've seen over the last few years. World Series years '04 and '05 produced little excitement as both were four game sweeps (that is unless you're a fan of red or white sox), and '06 wasn't much better unless you enjoyed watching a Quad A team destroy the offensively challenged Detroit Tigers. The Red Sox seem to be playing on a whole different level since going down 3-1 to the Indians. They have dominated every game, and I don't see too much changing. I could end up looking like an idiot if the Rockies make this thing close (which would be ok because I make myself look like an idiot at least 15 times a week), but I don't see it happening.

Byron Leftwich's Legs:
He is officially the Barbaro of the NFL. The only time you see him is as he crumbles to the ground in agony. His ankles are made of plate-glass. He should be taken out back and put to sleep. I've faded the Jaguars for a long time, and was looking forward to fading the Falcons, so I'm kind of pissed, but whatever, I can't talk about gambling on this siteL

Notre Dame Football:
I've been to almost every home game, and I've left with a bitter taste in my mouth each and every time. My highlights of the ND home game weekends include strippers, explaining the meaning of the word FUPA to my Grandma after I told her Charlie Weis had one, and Jay Morris getting kicked out of the Backer for taking off his pants. Notice none of those highlights include an ND win or anything that would make me think they had a chance against any team that's not playing in wheelchairs. Moreover, the entire college football season has been a letdown on some level.

The Colt/Pats and Manning/Brady Comparisons:
I hope no one else watched the MNF game between the Colts and the Jaguars. Tony Kornheiser didn't go more than 5 minutes before comparing the two teams or the two quarterbacks. It got so ridiculous that I contemplated shutting the game off about 15 times, and would have if I didn't have a little cash on it. Unfortunately, I now hate Kornheiser. I've noticed he can't go more than a few minutes without making some ludicrous comparison that means absolutely nothing. Manning or Brady? Here's your answer Tony; I don't give a shit. They are both sweet. Stop making Ron Jorowski flip coins to decide which one he'd take if he had to start a team. I suggest you take Smarty Joines advice and refrain from watching ESPN for at least a week before the Pats/Colts game that's coming up. They will drive this story into the ground like it's the Super Bowl. (Oh, and I'm willing to lay some serious cash on a bet that involves the Patriots and whether or not they'll go undefeated. It won't happen.)

My Fantasy Teams:
Wow, I have been pretty pitiful. I haven't updated my roster in about 3 weeks. It all started after I took a massive beat in Joines' league. I was up about 35 points to Smarty with only the 2nd half of the MNF game between the Bears and Cowboys remaining. We had shut off the game to start a new episode of Curb (which is absolutely awesome this year and doesn't suck at all.) He called me the next day to tell me Marion Barber picked up his usual garbage second half points and that he had won. I nearly fainted on the phone, felt defeated, and have since vowed to quit all together. I'm really good at quitting things when I get far behind.
My addiction to chew:
Just sad. E'snuff said. (sorry that was stupid and gayish.)

Those are the things, off the top of my head, which suck really, really bad. Goodbye for now.

Just Checking In

I don't have much to say about the ALCS. Except, damn. That was pretty cruel. Any true Ohio fan knows that our Buckeyes are going down to Penn State in Happy Valley on Saturday and that the Rams are taking the Browns behind the woodshed for their first win of the season. After all, when it rains, it pours. That's just how it goes sometimes. I would also like to apologize on behalf of the Indians for denying all of you fans of another Bridesmaid article. I know you were all very excited.

My New Haircut

I just want to make sure that everyone has seen this video. I mean according to Youtube nearly three million people have, but I figured maybe I could touch one more life by introducing this to you. I don't really like italians, at all. I guess these types of people are called guidos in New York. Wop, Dago, guinea, meatball, I-ties, whatever they are all the same to me. They all love to flaunt the fact that their ancestors that they never knew were from Italy. Another common characteristic is the 5'6" italian with short man syndrome. Common side effects include roid rage, constant need to start shit, dillusion that they are a hardass, and a rash that forms the boot of italy with the country's flag waving through it (aka a tattoo). Usually this rash is seen on the back shoulder or "bicep" but the worst I've ever seen is on the calf. The best ailment for this disease is the constant consumption of pasta and meatballs for the anger and a bath in marinara sauce to get rid of the rash. Scientists are currently looking for a treatment that involves the high percentage of random Yankees fans linked to italian heritage, but are yet to find any results. Oh yea, here's the video.

God Tried

The rumor that Pete Carroll is actually Satan himself was proved to be true on Thursday. On the team's flight from the gay beaches of socal to the land of Jesus, their plane had an "unexpected" freefall right before landing. The pilot had this to say,"I saw the hand of God coming at us but there was no time to make a drastic movement. God himself was pushing our plane downward into the ground and I immediately apologized for cheating of my wife with that hooker of a stewardess. I could then regain control of the plane and I landed it safely." Another witness aboard the plane who would like to remain confidential (Matt Sanchez) saw things from the cabin area. "It all happened so fast. I was sitting next to Coach Carroll and he stood up very calmly, his eyes were bloodshot red and his fingertips were on fire. I saw a bright flash of red and yellow and the next thing I know the plane was back to normal again." This brings out the fact that Pete Carroll is in fact the devil himself and is better and stronger than God. We are fucked.

Unfortunately, no major injuries (death) were sustained during the Jesus drop (which makes me think.... there also needs to be some kind of amusement park ride titled that. I would ride it, you would to). However defensive end Lawrence Jackson had to seek medical help because he jammed a popsicle stick into the roof of his mouth during the drop. Once again, Jackson actually stabbed himself with a popsicle stick. How he got one on the plane.. I don't know, but he is in fact retarded. There were reports of safety Taylor "The Pussy" Mays screaming like a little girl during the demon drop and is now seeking to transfer because even John David Booty called him a woman. The only other major accident on the plane happened in the cargo hold where this year's Trojan warrior accidentally stabbed his horse and pierced its' heart. The horse died instantly and even USC fans are thankful there will no longer be a douche on a pony.

So God tried but Pete Carroll is now more powerful. When he went to take care of God it was 4th and 33 with 2 minutes to go and his team was already up by five scores. He decided to run a fake punt and God didn't see it coming causing his right hand to collapse and Pete found the end zone easily.

Tomorrow Notre Dame will be wearing the throwback uniforms to honor the 1977 national champion team. They need to do this to remind fans that Notre Dame was, in fact, good at one time. The uniforms are hideous Notre Dame will be outscored by more than the over which is 45 or something up there. Jimmy Clausen was not available to comment because he was blowing spit bubbles and pretending to be Casey. However Sam Young was disappointed when he heard about the plane scare saying "We were so close to a forfeit victory over those assholes."

Weekend Sports Betting Preview

This week's edition will not be a preview, rather, a list of our picks. If you don't like it, then you can suck my balls ... it was my birthday last night, I'm out of it. Let's bully:

Buzzsaw

UVA +4 v Maryland
Washington +13 v Oregon
Miami FL +5 v FSU
Redskins/Cardinals Over 36
Bears +5.5 v Eagles
Sammich

Miami OH -5.5 @ Temple
USC/ND Over 45
Ohio/Toldeo Under 63.5
Minnesota +9.5 @ Dallas
San Fran +9.5 @ NYG

Guy

Kentucky +6.5 v Florida
Notre Dame +17 v USC
Michigan -1 @ Illinois
Detroit -1 v Tampa Bay
Jacksonville +3 v Indianapolis

Big Lots

Nebraska/TAMU Under 60
Cal/UCLA Under 55
Auburn/LSU Over 42.5
Oakland -1
Dallas -9.5

Rutgers is Gay

I wonder why Rutgers fans thought it would be necessary to rush the field. They just beat the most overrated team in college football history. I guess that's just Big East football at its finest. They need to get excited about one terrible team beating another terrible team. Remember that time Cincinnati was ranked? That was a good joke. Actually the rankings are just a joke. I wish the voters had testicles so they could put the best teams in the top ten instead of thinking "Oh well they haven't lost yet even though they play Turd U. every week."

If TOSU ever played a team ranked above 56 they might lose, but they have the 78th hardest schedule so I don't foresee this happening. This means I get to endure yet another year of "Like, OMG that one ohio team is playing in an important game, do you wanna like... act like we like them so guys think we are cool? I mean we are supposed to like them right? We are from Ohio it's only like what we are supposed to like.... do right? Let's buy matching jerseys! That would be so cute! And we can like wear them around and pretend we are fans and do that cool OH-IO chant. We can totally fit in. This is going to be the best night of my life." Andddd you don't even know what a first down is, god I hate ohio. As long as LSU plays Oklahoma in a bowl game then that will be fine and I will declare the winner of that the true champion.

Kansas is "undefeated" as well. I can name negative three players on the Jayhawks roster, but if I had to guess one I'd say Nick Collison.

Top 10
1) LSU
2) Oklahoma
3) TOSU
4) Kentucky
5) BC
6) Oregon
7) Socar
8) Florida
9) USC
10) Notre Dame
107-114) Big East

Coach Joe Smooth

The following article was written by special guest writer Sockless Dilemma. While I thoroughly enjoyed it I take absolutely no responsibility for it.

Eric Schnupp, Baylor’s offensive line coach was issued a citation at 2:20am at Scruffy Murphy’s Pub (I swear that’s the actual name) for apparently whipping his junk out and urinating on the bar. Evidently workers at the establishment saw Coach Schnupp standing in a mysterious puddle of urine with no one else around. The citation was a class C misdemeanor plus a $258 fine….. But instant drunken gratification….priceless.

I can just imagine what Coach Schnupp was thinking as the night went on…

10pm: Man I’m kinda horny tonight…Maybe I should stroll down to Scruffy Murphs and try to pull some ass…These SportsCenter reruns are getting fucking old…Hmmmmm but I’m all by myself & I have nobody to go out with…Fuck it, I use to pull so much ass back when I was banging at Miami it ain’t gonna matter who I’m with…God, my dick’s getting hard just thinking about it. Alright I’ll go scope out the talent level at Scruffs for just an hour.

10:30pm: Holy shit I look so hot tonight. Man look at all the pussy up in this mother fucker….I bet everyone recognizes me…I’m the offensive line coach at Baylor! Those chicks sitting at the table look so hot...I’m gonna have to work up a solid buzz before I approach those hotties. Bartender get me a tall boy & a couple shots of Jack. I’m so getting laid tonight!

11:30pm: Oh baby you’re soo sexy. I can’t believe I’m talking to this 21 yr old fitness major. I dare you to come back to my house with me tonight. I’m gonna tear it up!! I bet this girl is a freak…I need to order like 4 more Jager bombs…

12:30am: How did I get in this predicament? I went from talking to this fine ass personal trainer to be & now I’m making out with this fat chick in the corner of the bar. Wait maybe she isn’t so bad…N/m. I must be fucking drunk to even question if this chick is fat. Oh well nobody has to know. My boyz from Miami would be clowning me so hard if they could see me now J I’ll do her a favor just this one time..

1:53am: I’m at the end of the bar all by myself. I think people are leaving for some reason. The room is spinning. People are sweeping the floors…What’s going on around here? I thought this was a bar for Christ sake. Uh oh I have to take a fatty piss. Mmmkay nobodies looking…..nobodies looking…Oh my god it’s stinging soo bad. That’s it…Little Eric’s coming out to relieve some tension! Ooohh god that feels so good. Jesus I’m peeing on myself right now & I don’t even care. This feels like that one time I was at this frat in Miami my freshman year. That was so tight. Wow I’m still going……..Fuck there’s a cop looking right at me. He’s coming toward me. Oh lord what do I do? I have urine all over me.. I’m standing in a puddle of my own piss…..Utter denial is the only approach to take. I used to play ball at Miami man……

I know the saying about making assumptions, but I like my version.

ND Ranked in Top-20 of Computer Poll

I’ve been in a blog coma lately, nothing excited me enough to make a post, until now. What could possibly be so earth shattering to motivate me out of my pleasant state of sloth? The BCS, obviously.

There is almost too much to complain about with the present system in the NCAA. How can the human polls unanimously rank Ohio State first while the computer polls rank Ohio State fifth? With such a huge disparity, how can they be equally respected? I’ve always sided with the computers, defending the PCs from naysayers that argued, “computers don’t have a brain … they can’t make rational decisions,” well, neither can Terry Bradshaw and he’s a part of the Harris Poll.

My love affair with the computer polls ended this week; however, when Jeff Sagarin made me look like a fool by ranking ND #18 in his latest poll. Sagarin’s rankings are 1/6 of the composite computer rankings which account for 1/3 of a team’s BCS rating. Here are Sagarin’s most recent rankings:

1) South Florida
2) LSU
3) South Carolina
4) Kentucky
5) Boston College
6) Kansas
7) Ohio State
8) West Virginia
9) Arizona State
10) Virginia Tech
11) Auburn
12) Oklahoma
13) Tennessee
14) California
15) Missouri
16) Virginia
17) Georgia
18) North Dakota State
19) Oregon
20) Florida

Sorry Oregon, Florida, USC, Hawaii, Texas, and, uh, Notre Dame … you are no match for the North Dakota State Bison.

Despite the insanity of this ranking, I think Sagarin might get too much blame for this atrocity. Since the BCS has taken out the “margin of victory” component from its equation, the rankings Sagarin submits have become a disaster while his actual rankings are pretty normal (which includes margin of victory). Which begs the question, should the BCS keep Sagarins rankings in their formula? Or, is encouraging a team to run up the score worse than having North Dakota State ranked in a top-25? The answer to both questions is, obviously, no. The answer to this overall BCS problem is, obviously, a playoff.

Sagarin Rankings

BCS Rankings

Breaking News: Yankees Set to Make Huge Offseason Acquisition

An unnamed source today has confirmed that George Steinbrenner and the Yankees have plans to undertake a shocking and unprecedented offseason acquisition that does not involve Alex Rodriguez. Apparently the Yankees are going to buy the Tampa Bay Devil Rays.

After yet another early postseason exit the Boss was desperate to find another way to use his outlandish spending habits to his advantage. As much as I hate the Yankees, I must say, this is a great idea. The Yankees play the Devil Rays 18 times in a season, so they are essentially buying 18 wins. Not only will it lessen competition within the division, the Devil Rays do have some useful talent on their roster despite the fact that they are somewhere between an AAA and major league team. With an extra 25 man “MLB” roster (stress the quotation marks) the Yankees in essence double their salary cap and get twice as many draft picks. Roger Clemens needs a tune up before making his inevitable July comeback? Send him to Tampa to make a few starts. Perhaps the most brilliant part of the move is that if the Yankees need the Devil Rays to come through in a big series, say against the Red Sox, they can simply trade the majority of their roster to Tampa, take two out of three, and then trade them back to New York.

The only real question is how the Devil Rays players would respond but thus far the attitude has been overwhelmingly positive. “I’m really excited,” Carl Crawford said. “No one likes losing. I’m just going to keep working hard and hopefully I’ll get called up to the major league squad at some point.”

When asked if he thought the insinuation that the D-Rays were a minor league team was a slap in the face Elijah Dukes said, “No, not really at all. I see it as more of an opportunity. But I do like to slap my girlfriend in the face.”

I just wish the Red Sox would have thought of it first.

Bug Selig Has Options

So I have about two off season issues that Bud Selig is going to look at (in my eyes). He already said on "Pardon the Interruption" that he was going to consider instant replay for baseball. Now mainly this is because it was the day after Matt Holiday didn't touch home plate, but as we know instant replay would ruin baseball forever. I don't even have to think that one person wants instant replay because if they do, they aren't American. Really though, how would they do this? The red flag idea? No way. You have to make it something cool like the manager has to run out onto the field, pick up 2nd base and deliver it to the crew chief. Then the umpire has to open a secret door inside the tube they roll the tarp up in. Now inside this tube is a system of cameras where the instant replay will be viewed and then he comes out with his decision. Just a proposal...

The other thing Selig needs to implement is the good old fashioned mercy rule. Remember the days of little league baseball when your team was pathetic and you would get beat 10-0 in 5 innings or 15-0 in four innings? Just think of how funny that would be if it could happen in the major leagues. Umm yea sorry Buddy Belle but you just got ten runned umm the game is over... The fans get to see a half of a game because their team either sucked or dominated. Everyone is happy. There is no reason for another game where the final score is 30-3. Just end it at 10-nil. This seriously needs to be taken into consideration.

Weekend Sports Betting Preview

That video made me want to shoot someone

Alright, nothing seems to be working. It's time for me to find a sure thing, these posts have really been getting me down lately. The only thing that can possibly get me out of this rut is ... reverse psychology.

The game? Boston College at Notre Dame. The play? Boston College -13.5 The reason? I can't lose.

I'm really taking this because I want ND to keep the game close since I'll be there, and there's no way I could actually post a correct pick. But beyond that, BC just looks like a good bet. Notre Dame beat UCLA last week 20-6; great win I was very happy, but, if you look at the numbers, the offense was as awful as it has been all year. Notre Dame had 140 total yards. UCLA had 282. ND had 12 first downs. UCLA had 20. Clausen was 17/24 for 84 yards. ND had 0 turnovers. UCLA had 7. And ND only won by 2 TDs.

I love Notre Dame's pass defense, especially Darrin Walls, and I think they will do a good job against an extremely overrated Boston College. I just don't think that the Notre Dame offense can possibly stick with BC, no matter how awesome the defense plays. Was that all convincing enough? BC IS A LOCK!!!

Boston College -13.5 v Notre Dame

Buzzsaw:
BC -13.5 v Notre Dame
Louisville/Cincy Over 65.5
Tulsa/Marshall O 71
Titans +3 v Falcons
Redskins +3 v Packers

Big Lots: TBA

Sammich:
GT +2.5 v Miami
Wisconsin +7 v PSU
Louisville +10 v Cincy
Patriots -5 v Cowboys
Browns -4.5 v Dolphins

Guy:
Oregon -19 v Washington St.
Cal -14 v Oregon St.
OSU -30.5 v Kent St
Redskins +3 v Packers
Browns -4.5 v Dolphins