Super Tuesday

The day has finally arrived. 24 states are hosting primaries, caucuses, or coventions today. McCain will most likely dominate the Republican side of things. While Obama and Hillary, the two Dems, are neck and neck around the country. I'll have a little analysis (if that's what you call random mumbles) tonight if I get around to it, but really I just wanted to post this picture.

Hillary's not only polarizing, she threatens the lives of sweet, innocent little girls.
MA

Bob Knight Retires

My favorite Bobby Knight story involves the "legendary" coach and a member of the press, a group that Knight seemed to be constantly at odds with. After the reporter asked Knight a question he didn't particularly like, Knight paused before responding, "You know, most people learn to write in second grade and then they move on to bigger and better things."

"Well, most people stop calling themselves Bobby and throwing chairs in second grade too," the reported replied.

We always knew "Bobby" was immature and short tempered, but a number of people still naively believed that despite his shortcomings, Knight still coached because he loved the game and the kids.

But Knight's abrupt and unexpected retirement should prove that it was, and always has been all about him. He has no health issues. No personal issues. He'd just set out to accomplish what he wanted to accomplish--winning 900 games and becoming the winningest coach in college basketball. By retiring in the middle of the season, almost immediately after reaching the milestone, and with no other "issues" to use as pretense for quitting, he shows his true character.

And make no mistake, Knight is quitting. He's quitting on the program he signed on to help build. He's quitting on the players he recruited to play for him. The fact that he appointed his son as his successor, is even further evidence that it is what he planned to do all along.

I'm sure the dong slobbering over Knight's accomplishments will begin tomorrow--but I think that any praise of the coach will be immensely misguided.

Text Messaging Ruins Another Relationship

Note to self: don’t send “sexy time” text messages to my mistress the day I’m getting married. Seems like common sense, but after reading a story about Chelsea soccer player Nicolas Anelka, I’m just making sure I have all my bases covered.

Dipshit supposedly sent dirty text messages to a 24 yr old "shop girl" named Natalie Merriman the day he was getting married to Barbara Tausia- another chick who’s apparently a complete dumbass as well.

Mistress Merriman was quoted as saying:

“"Nico's a fantastic lover with an amazing body. We often had sex four times a night and he bombarded me with dirty text messages. I didn't know he was engaged, and I was really falling for him. But when I found out he'd actually got married and had even texted me that day, I realized he's just another typical lying, cheating footballer."

She also reveals that “Anelka shocked her by sending lewd photos of his private tackle to her mobile, thrilled her in bed with his astonishing gymnastic tongue, and tried to cover up his marriage by claiming it was his brother who'd wed.”

First of all, I don’t know why they call Anelka’s dong a “private tackle”, but I think it’s pretty funny. I might start referring to my thunder as the “Private Tackle”.

Anyway, Anelka plays in the EPL, so it’s pretty safe to assume that Merrimann knew he was engaged. During these days of intraweb-domination, juicy information is only a few keystrokes away. I know you’re asking yourself the question, “Are dirty, whorish women able to use the internet?

And my simple answer is, yes they are. Even those who seem most dirty and whorish are usually able to use a computer. Merriman, the dirty and whorish whorish woman in question right now, was technologically savvy enough to receive “pic” messages via text, so I don’t think a Google search would have been too much for her.

So then, why would she stay with this guy? Oh, I keep forgetting about that “astonishing gymnastic tongue” of Anelka’s. I guess that’s what I’ve been missing with the ladies all these years. It’s just sad that it took an article about text messages to realize this. Even sadder- I guess- that the answers to “all things” romantic involve tongue nimbleness. I’ve got a ways to go in that department. :-(

MA

Peyton Owes Eli a "Thank You"

The Giants actually did it; defeating the Patriots 17-14 in one of the most entertaining Super Bowls I’ve ever seen. It was enjoyable because, like most fans, I despise the Patriots and was hoping with every fiber of me being that they would lose. I won’t talk more about the game itself because everyone else will exhaust the subject, but I did want to mention why Peyton Manning is probably the happiest man on the planet right now.

When two of the greatest athletes of all time play in the same era, their careers are always compared side by side- see Larry Bird and Magic Johnson. Peyton Manning, as a “student of the game”, clearly recognizes this. Ultimately, he knows his accomplishments will always be judged based on how they stack up with Brady’s accomplishments, however unfair that might be.

Currently, only Super Bowl wins separate the two quarterbacks. Brady winning a fourth ring last night would have made it virtually impossible for Peyton to ever catch him in that department. So, as Eli marched the Giants down the field over the final three minutes, you know Peyton was praying to God that the Giants could punch it in. If not, Peyton would have had to sit back again as the Patriots smugly celebrated their 4^th Lombardi Trophy. How much more could he really take?

Without doubt, older brother was pulling for little Eli, but I think he was equally interested in seeing the Patriots lose. He seemed to have his whole heart and soul invested in the game from high up in that plush luxury box. After Brady connected with Moss late in the 4^th quarter, Peyton was probably wondering how Belichick and his band'o'assholes were going to sneak out another victory. They had done it to him for years, and now, little brother was going to fall victim to the same fate. Sure, Peyton was finally able to get over the proverbial “hump” last year, but a Pat’s victory here would have stamped them as the greatest team of all time.

Once Eli hit Burress for the winning score, Peyton knew he still had a chance to go down as the greatest QB of all time. I debated this point with my buddies, and they said Peyton cared more about his brother winning than the Patriots losing. I’d agree with them if not for the fact that Peyton is one of the most competitive athletes in sports. Seeing his biggest rivals win the biggest game in the world almost certainly would have made him sick.

Like I’ve said already, I don’t doubt that Manning was wholeheartedly rooting for Eli to win the game. I’m just suggesting that he was equally ecstatic that Brady couldn’t further separate himself in that “Who’s better? Peyton or Brady?” argument. Maybe I’m just vindictive, but I’ve always enjoyed seeing rivals fail. I think most people-at least secretively- feel the same way. So, if my hypothetical little brother beat my #1 rival, I’d definitely be extremely happy for him, but I’d probably take an equal amount of joy in the fact that he beat the person/team I’d always be competing against (indirectly at least).

Congratulations Eli. Your older brother owes you money,treasures, gift certificates to Sizzler, or whatever it is you Southern folks give when trying to express gratitude.

MA

Boring Super Bowl Saturday Leads to "Double Dip Chip" Study Findings

"Superbowl Saturday" sucks. I woke up yesterday, and realized there was nothing to do. So, I decided to step outside of my comfort zone and watch Lord of the Rings. Boy, what a gigantic mistake that was. Hobbits, dwarves, elves, and disgusting looking monsters from Sauron don’t really do it for me, especially when I’m trying to eat a chicken queso burrito from Qdoba. I nauseate easily, and odd shaped ears, slime, hair, poor hygiene, and one-eyed creatures usually get my tum-tum feeling queasy.

After shutting off that dorky weirdofest, I flipped through the local channels and found American Gladiators on NBC. Back in the day, the one event I always found kind of cool was “Assault”. In “Assault”, a Gladiator would stand on a platform and shoot tennis balls at the players using some big “nerf” gun thing. The players would run from station to station and try to hit a big bull’s-eye above the Gladiator with their own fake weapons. (See picture below)

I always thought the event could have been even more exiting if, at the last station, they substituted a real gun for the fake gun.Can you imagine how much more intense it would have made the whole thing? The Gladiators would have faced almost certain death unless they were able to hit the contestant with a tennis ball before he got to the last station. "Shit I have to hit this asshole, or he's going to pick up that pistol at Station 5 and put a bullet through the back of my head."

Anyway, I got through about 5 minutes of the new version of the show before coming to the realization that a documentary focusing on the history of circumcisions would probably be a more enjoyable watch. (Really, it would be- just as long as my own “No-No place” wasn’t part of the feature) One can only take so much of Hulk Hogan’s overly tan/wrinkly body, that ridiculous handle bar mustache, and his incessant use of the word “brother” before actively seeking out someone or something to beat mercilessly.

So, I went on the internet. I was bored out of my mind. How was I going to spend the rest of my night? Should I go for a run? No, not a chance. Should I spin around for a minute straight until I was dizzy and a little sick all night? Oh, shit I already did that. Should I resort to my typical Saturday night activity and “Cyber Bully” the shit out of some unsuspecting chat room users? Ahh, that’s getting a little boring. Any new hot juicy news about that she-devil Hannah Montana? Nope, she’s still just livin’ the dream.

Finally, a light bulb went on above my head. Not a figurative one, but a literal one after I turned on the switch in the room I was sitting in. Instantly, I realized that I needed to write about the Super Bowl. HOWEVA, I didn’t feel like making any predictions, discussing Gaygate, or boring you with anything that was directly related to the game in any way, shape, or form. So, I began searching the intrawebs. Soon I found a story that was at least mildly entertaining. It just so happened that the story was about the dangers of double dipping chips.

A Clemson study found that the “double dip” turns your Super Bowl salsa bowl into a bacteria infested cesspool. Really, groody I know, but I’m seriously concerned about the health of our faithful-though sometimes gutless- readers. Here’s the scoop:

“Every time a bitten cracker went back into the bowl, hundreds, even thousands of bacterial cells went in with it. In the real world, if you have a dip there, you're probably going to have more than one person dipping into that dip bowl. It could be a big party. You have a lot of people dipping. So every time someone dips they're inoculating that many cells into the dip."

Wow, so I guess you’re getting Mike’s flu and Erin’s herpes flare up along with that little bit of Mexican goodness. Hopefully, you’ll be on the lookout for double dippers and have the courtesy to restrain from making that brazen second dip yourself.

Don’t worry if this article seemed to confuse you. It was the writer’s objective.

Matt Arrowhead

Absurd

Disclaimer:Though the picture might suggest otherwise, I was really pissed about the story I read.

“You shouldn’t do anything unless you’re willing to put forth 100% effort.”

I’ve heard that line hundreds of times throughout my life. Well, you know what, I think that line is complete bullshit. I’ve done a bunch of shit at less than 100%, and usually it’s pretty decent. I just hope that sentiment of mine will apply to this article I’m about to write because, honestly, I’d be lying if I said even 1% effort was given to its creation.

So you have one of two options:

1. Stop reading this article right now.
2. Continue reading this article and realize that you are probably a bigger loser than me; considering you know how stupid this thing is going to be and still continue to read.

Haha, so you choose option #2, I see. You are a bigger loser than me. Anyway, I read a little article today about two suicide bombings at Pet Markets in Iraq. Anytime I read about one of these, I get frustrated because I realize how ridiculous this world is. However, frustration is usually where it ends. I don’t attach any emotion to the events. Frankly, doing so would be entirely too taxing on myself, and because I’m selfish, I don’t want to have to deal with it.

However, the bombing today was extra sickening because the suicide bombers used were actually mentally handicapped women, who probably had no idea what they were doing.
The two women went into a crowded area of Baghdad, with bombs strapped to their bodies (unbeknownst to them), and killed 91 Iraqis. Some asshole had a detonator and activated it once the mentally retarded women entered the targeted pet markets. I guess this type of thing shouldn’t surprise me, but I was under the assumption that most of the people who perpetrated these heinous acts were “religious zealots who were willing to die for their ultimate cause”. Though the idea that people were actually willing to kill themselves for their cause frightened me, it wasn’t nearly as defeating as this story.

Now, we have big time vaginas committing terrorist acts, who aren’t even willing to die for their own cause. In fact, they are such cowards that they have to strap bombs to innocent, mentally challenged people and have those people carry out their dirty work. Really, what’s next?

I’d even have trouble faking mental retardation to get to the front of a line. Sadly however, it seems like a good idea. Really, check out this scene from Curb.

Hey, it’s pretty ridiculous, but sometimes you gotta laugh (as cliche as it may sound). If not, the absurdity of some folks would absolutely eat away at you.

Matt Arrowhead

Blind Luck

Leo Fiyalko, a 92 year old man from Clearwater, Florida, hit his very first hole-in-one yesterday at Cove Cay Country Club. Miraculously, he aced the 110 yd Par 3 hole with a 5 iron.

Leo’s not only “creepy old, he’s legally blind as well. Honestly, I’m really happy for him, but my biggest accomplishment over the last 24 hours was successfully eating cereal with a fork, so I’m also a little jealous and depressed. We at Log’s Blog think that Leo might be full of sh*t. In fact, this is what we foresee happening if Leo ever has to testify about this hole-in-one of his. (Law and Order Style)

Sockless’ Cross Examination:

Sockless: "So, you’re feeling pretty full of yourself, aren’t you Mr. Leo Fiyalko.”

Leo: "Why, yes I am! But, I’m a little sad. I’ve been playing golf for the last 60 years. I finally hit my first hole-in-one, and I wasn't even able to see it.”

Sockless: “Well thank you very much for stating the obvious Mr. Fiyalko. You didn’t see it go in…HA…You probably couldn’t even see a shade of green that late January day. My only question is this: How do you know your shot actually went in? You could have put the ball 200 yards in the woods and you wouldn’t have known the difference. Isn’t that right? Did you hear the ball hit the bottom of the cup? You must have one king kong-like hearing aid if that’s what happened. My bet is that you’ve been trying to hit a hole-in-one for the last sixty plus years, due to time constrictions and desperation, you completely made the whole shot up to make one last headline before you kicked the bucket. Isn’t that right Mr. Fiyalko? You’re a weak, helpless old man. I would think that you can’t even take a piss without someone pointing your wrinkly old cock’n’balls in the right direction. Did you even go golfing that fateful day? How much are you paying people to testify that you did indeed hit a hole-in-one?

Judge Ito: "Sockless, you’re badgering the witness!"

Sockless: “Sorry your honor… Lastly I would like to know who in their right mind goes golfing with a blind guy? They can’t drive the cart, they never know what club there picking out of their bag, they can never find their ball, and you always have to be watching them in case they fall in a pond or some shit. It’s called “Golf”, not “Walk around all day pissed off because some old, blind jackass is slowing down your round.”

Leo: “I have witnesses. They helped me pull my five iron out of the bag and watched as the ball went in the hole. Blind luck I guess.”

Sockless: Blind luck, huh? So, I see you’re smug and condescending as well. Give me a break. You might have well said you hit a 110 yard hole-in-one with your putter. That plaque hanging on that Florida country club wall to commemorate your historic achievement is a lie! Something stinks here. I want the truth! And yes Mr. Fiyalko……I can handle the truth. Nothing further.”

Sockless Dilemma

Judah Tops Mayweather

Two years ago, when Zab Judah and Floyd Mayweather fought, it got ugly. There were low blows and riots in the ring, but in the end Pretty Boy escaped with his undefeated record in tact, scoring a unanimous decision.

But this time around it was Judah scoring the decisive victory--proving that although Mayweather may be the better fighter, Zab really knows how to make it rain. While partying at Prive nightclub in Planet Hollywood, Mayweather bought three magnums of Perrier Jouet Rose which apparently run at two grand apiece. He also threw $5000 into the crowd for his own personal enjoyment. Pretty impressive, Pretty Boy.

But Judah was not about to be bested by Mayweather for the second time in a row. He topped him by purchasing 50 bottles of Dom, at a thousand a pop, for a grand total of $50,000 (aren't you glad you have me to do the math for you?). Sweet Jesus, we have a new world champion. Ladies and gentleman, Zab Judah.

Punch Drunk

Puppy Bowl: Part Quatre

Le Cheff wanted a Puppy Bowl IV write-up with expert analysis and picks, but I didn’t think that was acceptable until our readers understood exactly what the Puppy Bowl is, and why it will one day pass the Super Bowl in ratings, fan fare, and excitement.

You see, Animal Planet’s Puppy Bowl combines all of those things we typically equate with good in life. It’s got the puppies, which are obviously very cute (even if sometimes too rambunctious for me), as well as jazz music, bountiful amounts of water, toys, the Kitten Bowl halftime show, tailgate exclusives, poop/pee, and of course the water cam bowl - all in HD for the first time ever!

Get out. The Puppy Bowl was cool enough when it was on regular cable, but this added bonus of HD just puts PB IV on another level. Plus, renowned NFL Films announcer Harry Kalas will handle the play-by-play for the mega event; breaking down the pups, in all their puptasticness, from the moment they enter the sold out arena. Ya, I know, I'm excited too.

It seems like the Puppy Bowl producers have set a 3 month age limit for the pups, so that means many of the past fan favorites like Barry the Poodle (PB II), the siblings Bomber, Buster, and Buffy (PB III), and Quesadilla (PB III) will not be returning. However, we’ll never forget their never say die attitudes and courage in the face of seemingly insurmountable odds.

From the looks of it, the new cast of characters will provide some of the same great theatrics that the old celebrity-pups have made us come to expect.

Some Puppy Bowl IV players include:

• Attucker, a Beagle
• Finnigan, a Cavalier King Charles Spaniel/Bichon Frise mix
• Jack the Labrador mix
• Jack the Miniature Dachshund
• Jackson, a West Highland Terrier
• Janet, a Bull Terrier mix
• Kodiak, a Rottweiler/Lab mix
• Rascal, a Border Collie mix
• Raven, a Beagle/Miniature Pinscher mix
• Scuba, a Mixed-breed dog

Who names their dog Janet? It’s an animal, not a 45 year old elementary school teacher.


I’ll make one prediction now; I think Kodiak is the next star to come out of the Puppy Bowl. Attucker, Jack the Lab, Raven, Jackson, and Scuba all seem to be formidable as well. I might come back with an injury report and some odds tomorrow, but for now, enjoy the clip. (Watch it. It’s only 1:30min long and it’s a joke):


Finally, it’s that time of the year. After months of waiting and anticipation, the big game is upon us. Media day is over, and the athletes are left to focus on the task at hand. They take the field on Sunday at 3:00pm, and the Bowl runs for three hours. I can’t wait.

Matthew D. Arrowhead

Puppy Bowl

Clipper Darrell Soon to be Maverick Darrell?

Mark Cuban just had a meeting with that guy. Ya, the one in the above picture. Cuban wants him to work for the Mavericks.

That guy is Darrell Bailey, known to many NBA fans, owners, and players as “Clipper Darrell”. He has been a loyal LAC fan for the last 25 or so odd years. Hmm, well maybe not. I’m not actually sure how long he’s been a fan of the team. Quite honestly, I just made that number up. I’m just surprised they found one.

To most Clipper fans-who haven’t went “barrel to the mouth”- he is that annoying guy who won’t shut the fuck up when other people are trying to enjoy themselves and concentrate on the game. He does the same bullshit all annoying fans do, you know, like starting obnoxious chants and embarrassing himself during “live halftime performances”. Basically, he just makes a giant ass out of himself every time he shows up at a game. He’s been to over 280 consecutive Clipper’s home games, and I’d venture to guess he’s wore that absurd Red/Blue suit getup to every one.

Chances it’s been washed more than 3 times = very minimal.

Chances the song he uses during his halftime performances is “My Hump” by the Black Eyed Peas = very likely .

Chances his car looks like a clown mobile = well you decide:

Anyway, for some reason Mavericks owner Cuban was impressed with Darrell when he heard him yelling and yearning for attention at a Clipper’s game. Reportedly, Cuban quickly acted and offered Darrell a job to sell out and cheer for Dallas. There is no word yet as to whether or not Darrell is going to become a full time Mavericks fan. It’s bad enough athletes can go from team to team but now franchises are competing over obnoxious fans too. What a kick in the dick?

If a billionaire offered me a hundred grand to go cheer for the Mavs and watch basketball, I would definitely go do it. The Clippers, on the other hand, would have to offer me a couple million, and more importantly, Sam Cassell would have to contractually agree to allow me sit on his lap during all time-outs. Cassell would also have to give me Eskimo kisses on demand and would be forbidden to smile throughout the season; excluding teammate’s birthdays of course. Everyone deserves to smile on a birthday.

People have been expressing their opinions via Darrell’s myspace page:

“Make dat money”

“You can be a Clipper fan at heart and a Mav fan for the $....make dat money”

“If you leave you will be public enemy #1”

A celebrity was even asked what they thought about the Clip D situation:

“I’m Jack Nicholson, who the fuck is He. I want the truth!! Make dat money”~Jack

Written By Sockless Dilemma

Clipper Darrell's Myspace Page

Clipper Darrell's Web Site

Dallas Mavericks News