Shocking, Breaking News!!

Oh my god, I can't believe what I just read! But really, who would have predicted this!?

Brett Farve isn't sure if he's going to be returning to the Green Bay Packers next year. Before the Green Bay loss to the Giants, Favre hinted that he would be coming back, but now says he's going to mull it over for a few weeks- which means we'll probably be waiting at least 4-5 months before we have a decision from the clown- and that's if were lucky.

Here's what the Ole' Gunslinga had to say:

"The game the other day will not play into my decision making. I'm not going to let one game affect my future one way or another. I think it's more whether I'm willing to go through the journey and the ups and downs. What if we start 4-0? Great. What if we start 0-4? Then how will I react? Do I want to put in the time in the off-season to prepare? That will decide it more than anything else."

This quote was taken from Favre over the last couple days, but really I could have pulled an exact replica from some ESPN archives across the last 3 years. I gotta go. I’m running to CVS for a barf bag or Walmart for a pistol.

Matt Arrowhead

Problem with Balls in Africa

Blame it on the balls. So says South Africa’s goalkeeper Moeneeb Joseph’s who’s competing with his fellow countrymen at the African Nations Cup. The Cup, hosted by Ghana in four cities, includes teams throughout Africa- which makes sense as it is called the African Nations Cup.

Anyway, the Adidas ball being used in competition has Josephs and other goalies in the tournament upset. The ball is multi-colored - making it look uber-cool- but supposedly it’s producing weird spin that makes it very difficult for goalies to stop. 58 goals have been scored in 18 games, and the article mentions that many of the goals have been scored on long distance strikes.

Josephs has been a Negative Nancy about the whole thing, saying:

“ It's the ball's movement that's the problem. You're expecting it to do one thing and then it does something totally different, which is hard for a goalkeeper because you're going in one direction and it changes direction in mid-air. It makes goalkeepers look like idiots. It isn't that the guys have been scoring good goals; it's the ball which has been making the guys look good.”

I remember there were some similar issues with an Adidas ball during the ’06 World Cup. There, just like at this completion, many of the goalies complained that the ball was acting unpredictably. The ball being used was one that didn’t have as many panels as a traditional soccer ball. The lower number of panels meant fewer seams on the ball, which lead to decreased spin. edit: I had a little bit of an explanation that was literally 100% opposite of what's actually true. Proving once again that I don't think when I write, and end up thoroughly embarrassing myself in the process.

Ok, I’m done explaining that. If you don’t understand, you’re stupid. Anyway, that could be the problem that’s currently afflicting the goalies at the African Nation Cup or it could be the fact that the multi-color ball is “kind of trippy” and most likely putting the goalies into a very peaceful, yet highly ineffective, trance. Really, check this thing out.

I stared at it too long the first time I looked at it, and I was jolted by my forehead smacking the keyboard.

Matt Arrowhead

http://www.thestar.co.za/index.php?fArticleId=4229274

photocourtesy of wikipedia.

Fellas, Fellas, Fellas Here is the "Shutterbugs" clip

Ok, ok I know this clip is old and many of you have already seen it, but those who haven't deserve the Bobbe J experience. It is, without a doubt, the funniest skit I've ever seen.

Just to give you a little background, the clip is about two agents who work for a children's talent agency called "Shutterbugs". The two men Bill and Samir produced a move titled "Lil' 9/11" that flopped in the box office after one of the child actors staring in the movie as Lil' Osama had his kneecap smashed. Their boss is pissed off, and they have to go in for a meeting with him.... and that is where the skit gets completely ridiculous.



Matt Arrowhead

Chris Lofton Says, "3-pointer I just want to hold you all night long. I don't care who knows it, or if society will accept our love. I Heart you!"

Basketball purists hate Tennessee guard Chris Lofton with unrelenting passion. They want to strip him of his manhood in front of everyone he loves and trusts. To them 3-pointers are repugnant, and Lofton-because he shoots so many- makes them sick.

Every headline for the Tennessee men’s basketball team seems to read one of two ways.
“Lofton’s 3-point Barrage Lifts Vols to Win”
or

“Lofton Can’t Find Mark From Deep as Vols Lose”

Lofton loves shooting 3-pointers. In fact in a recent interview he responded with “I’d quit and move to St. Louis” when asked what he’d do if the NCAA abolished the 3-point arc. It almost seems like Chris is delusional and thinks there's a burning tar pit inside the 3-point stripe. He refuses to enter.

Another possibility is this -that Lofton hates 2-pointers and doesn’t have any other alternative on the basketball court. Did 2-pointers sleep with his girlfriend or call his mother a whore? Did they steal his lunch money growing up or give him swirlies every day at recess? I don’t know, but his obsession with 3-pointers has to come from somewhere.

Only 11 players in the NCAA attempt more 3-pointers per game than Lofton. And, most of these guys are from smaller schools that- if I really think about it-probably don’t even exist. Robert Vayden is the only name that pops out on the list, but he plays at UAB, so ya, nevermind. Not one other player from a power conference shoots more 3's on average.

Sadly, 10 of the 11 guys that do shoot more 3's than Lofton also shoot at a higher percentage. But guess what, the madness doesn’t end there. Really, it’s just beginning.

Here’s Some Stats:

• Lofton has shot 168 3-pointers this year through 19 games. He’s only taken a total of 225 shots, which means 3-point attempts account for 75% of his shots.

• He’s made 83 field goals this year. 61 of those field goals have been three pointers, so 73% all of his makes are 3’s.

• He has 276 points total, and 183 of those points have come off 3’s. So, 66% of his scoring output is from 3-point makes.

• When you add free throws to the equation, only 17% of his baskets are from 2-point buckets.

• He shoots 8.8 threes a game. Moreover, Tennessee has blown out around 3-4 teams where Lofton’s only played anywhere between 22-26 minutes. In fact, he’s on pace to shoot 20 more threes than he did last year when he chucked up 253 three point attempts.

• Currently, he is average 14.5 ppg and shooting a meek 36% from 3-point land, compared to last year when he averaged 20.8 pp and shoot 42% from the three point strip.

• He averages just a little over 2 apg.

So, Chris is struggling this year, but that hasn’t stopped him from shooting, and shooting, and shooting, and shooting, and shooting, and shooting, and shooting. Usually a guard like Lofton will get at least one easy bucket from a fast break steal or a leak out, but only 17% of his points are coming from 2’s, so he must shoot-threes even on breakaways where no defender is in front of him. Wow, how annoying would he be in a pick-up game at the local rec. center?

Maybe Lofton's love of 3's is actually more of an obsession. A sick and never ending 3-point addiction that will ultimately end in bloodshed, the destruction of 2 third world countries, and a pandemic of some sort. We can never be sure what's on the horizon when love takes a fatal turn.We can only pray and hope that the young man gets help before its too late.

Note: Last night, Lofton hit 5 threes on his way to 23 points in a 93-86 victory over Alabama.

Matt Arrowhead

"The I'm A Dork Who Actually pulls information into a Spreadsheet" Spreadsheet

Photo Courtesy of View Image.

Information on spreadsheet courtesy of ESPN.COM aka the Worldwide Leader in Sports Entertainment, Fun, Excitement, Math, Spelling, Random Fun Facts, and Hanky Panky.

Just Waiting for the Regular Season to End

Among my many problems with the National Basketball Association is the length of the season. The definition of ‘grueling’ in some countries is viewed as ‘eighty-two games of basketball spread out over five and a half months.’ I would be mailing in games too if my playoff position was relatively known and we were playing game fifty-seven on the road in Toronto.

Not only do the players legitimately not care, most casual fans don’t even know what the hell is going on around the midpoint of the season. If you asked me the Cavs’ record right now, I would just shrug my shoulders and reply “they’re in good position to make the playoffs.” That’s probably how the players feel, too. So here are a couple of alternatives that my naïve mind has come up with to fixing this problem in the NBA:

1. Cut the season down to around sixty games.

Or

2. Cut the amount of playoff teams down to six per conference.

Or

3. Do both. I can’t decide if this would be a good idea or not yet.

At risk of looking like an idiot for going out of order, I’ll start with #2. Can you imagine the chaos that would be going on in the West if only six teams could make the playoffs? Every team would have to play their ass off in every game to keep their playoff hopes alive. That’s pretty much the only reason it would be a good idea, because it would maintain the grueling level of the length of the season.

That said, I like option #1 the best. This would probably bring the length of the season down to about 4 months. With that few games, players have to legitimately worry about every game coming into play regarding their playoff hopes. Why do you think the NFL works so well? Every game matters, there’s only one per week, so there’s a better chance that that particular game will affect your teams’ playoff hopes and/or seed. If someone at any point during the NFL season asked me what the Browns’ record was, I would immediately rattle it off, because it matters week in and week out what happens. Also, this gives those bottom-of-the-barrel-lottery-teams less time to realize that they’re horrendous and that they need to start tanking to improve their lottery ball status.

So next time someone asks you what your NBA team’s record is, just tell them you’re waiting for the playoffs to start because the regular season is pretty, pretty, pretty bad.

(DISCLAIMER: Yes, I know that this would never fly because the owners would shit a brick over the lost ticket sales)

Eli's Journal: (1/22/08) - (1/29/08)

Tuesday (1/22/08):

Dear Journal:

Oh shucks, I only got a few hours of sleep last night. I was up until 4am watching film of Tom Brady. Ssshhh, don’t tell anyone, but I’ve been watching those TMZ videos of Tom wearing that boot cast thing and hanging out with that tall skinny foreign girl. He’s gosh darn lucky I tell ya. I can’t even talk to girls unless I’m buzzing off a couple Miller High Lifes.

Man, if Mom knew I drank, she would kill me! I’m just glad I have you to talk to.

Wednesday (1/23/08):

Journal,

I can’t talk to Daddy or Pey about nothin’ because I don’t want them to think I’m a weakling. For years, it’s always been the same with those two buttholes. They’re always saying “Eli’s like his mom. He’s quite, has jealous tendencies, and cries easily.”

I’m so sick of being picked on. I wish I could be like Tom Brady. He seems like he’s suave. I bet no one in his family picks on him. Heck, I’m from the south! I’m the one who should be walking around in Cowboy boots.

Oh crap journal, it’s 9:30 ! If I don’t make it to Giant’s Stadium by 10:00am, Straham’s gonna make me rub down his thighs again. Gotta jet.

Thursday (1/24/08):

Mr. Journal,

Hah, I love calling you that!

Practice today was borrring, and really, really cold. Maybe I should have shut up and stuck it out in San Diego. But journal, you have to understand that I’ve never been to Mexico before, and I heard Americans aren’t treated right over there. Plus, I’d be far away from Mommy, and sometimes I need to see her when I’m feelin’ down in the dumps. That reminds me, I haven’t called her yet today. She’s probably gettin' nervous. Gotta scram, but I’ll be thinking about you!

Friday (1/25/08):

J,

You know how I told you and everyone that the cold weather in Green Bay didn’t affect me last week? Well, I was lying. My tootsie was freezin’ cold! Christ, I just wish the fellows on the team and that meany- pie Tom Coughlin weren’t all about being tough all the time. I’m just a boy from the South and sometimes I get cold. I just heard that the weather in Arizona was all crummy this week. I might have to bring my blankie, so I’m sure to stay warm.

Saturday (1/26/08):

Hey you!,

Just another day of watching film at practice. Coach let us out a little early, so I came back and caught up on some episodes of the Andy Griffith show. I’m so bored in New York. Pey called me and was trying to give me advice about the Super Bowl, but I don’t listen to that big dummy....(Everyone tells me that I look like Pey, but I hope not. I think he's ugggllyy, haha!)

I’m getting nervous about flying to Arizona. I hate those big flyin’ cars more than anyone. I think I’m gunna try to hitch a ride to the game with John Madden.

Why can’t we just ride there in a big bus, anyway? I know I’m supposed to keep my cell phone turned off when I’m in the air, but I’m gunna keep it on while we fly out there. I usually sneak in the bathroom and call Mom to calm me down. The guys are always telling me that I need someone else in the bathroom with me if I want to join the Mile High Club, but I don’t know what they mean. Heck, we’re all part of the 1,000 Mile High club when we’re up there flying in that big car. Those city-slickers say some crazy things to me sometimes, but I know they love me.

Sorry, I’m rambling again, I’ll write again tomorrow. :-)

Sunday (1/27/08):

My only friend,

Gotta be brief. I had a horrible dream last night. I woke up covered in sweat and kept my head under the blankets for 10 minutes. I’ve been having a lot of dreams lately about those Vrabel and Harrison characters. I’ll just tell ya right now those guys are major league butt heads.

In my dream, Harrison gave me a wedgie during media day, and I saw Vrabel making out with my mom up in the stands. I don’t know if I can deal with this pressure anymore. How am I gonna be able to shake that dream when I see Vrabel and Harrison on the older side of the ball yellin’ stuff at me during the game?

If it wasn’t for you and Mom, I’d have no one to talk to Journal. Thanks for bein’ a pal.

Tuesday (1/29/08):

Mr. Journal AKA “Mr. Always there for me”,

Sorry, I didn’t write yesterday Journal. Really, I am.

I left you in New York and had to have you sent overnight via FedEx. Don’t worry, I had you locked up, and keep the key in my shoe at all times, so nobody read anything on your pages.

We got into Arizona, and I’ve been a busy beaver. I got my haircut and ate at the In-n-Out. They make some gooood burgers. I haven’t been invited to any parties out here yet, but I got a nice pair of new PJ’s anyway, so I’m kinda lookin’ forward to hanging out in my room, eating ice cream, and gettin to bed early.

That Bill Bellicick is a fart, but he makes me nervous. I walked by him today, and felt like I was almost gonna pee my pants. Sometimes, I just wish we would have lost that game to the Packers. Those guys in Las Vegas who make all of those bettin’ things think we are gunna get our butts kicked anyway. Honestly Journal, I’m beginning to think that as well.

I’ll try to keep you updated, but if I’m not able to, just remember it’s because I’m busy.

Sorry again.

E

Matt Arrowhead

Crazy People: Why must you act so crazy?

I don’t really have too much to say. Things are slow and boring right now, but I’m trying to follow through with my 30 articles. Whenever there isn’t anything to talk about, I almost instantly go on a long rant about things I find completely mind-blowing. Sometimes the rant is about a fashion trend that borders on absurdity. Sometimes it’s about politics or sports. Sometimes it’s about something as stupid as annoying people habits. Invariably, the rant starts with “I hate it when”, “I hate it how”, or “I hate (Insert name of person)”. Today is no exception to the rule. There’s is nothing worth writing about, so here it goes.

I hate it when insane people do ridiculous things, especially to children. Usually, you don’t have to look too far to find stories that fit the mold. Then again, there are over 6 billion people living on the earth, so statistically, it makes a lot of sense.

A few weeks ago I stumbled across an article about a man who had killed, mutilated, filleted, and then cooked his girlfriend’s body parts after a domestic dispute. Not only that, he called the cops to let them know that his victim’s ear lobe was boiling in some water and a plate covered in human flesh was sitting on his kitchen table. What a gentleman? Oh, and I guess a fork was on the table too, because we all know human flesh isn’t “finger food.”

Around the same time, a story came out about another one of those women “with a history of mental illness” who killed her four daughters because they were “possessed by demons.” Autopsies on the children revealed that they had probably been dead since May of last year. I can’t even tell you how many of these stories I’ve read over the last 5 years and just like everyone else, the same “What in the flying fuck was that crazy person thinking?” thought crosses my mind every time I hear one.

Earlier today I read a story about a woman being charged with the murder of her baby. Police are claiming the baby died after being put in a microwave and nuked like a TV dinner. She claims she was drunk and doesn’t remember anything about the night the baby died. Most people get black out drunk and pee in a corner, on something expensive that isn’t theirs, or on someone they’re actually quite found of. This woman got drunk and put her baby in a microwave. I’m just glad I haven’t been around any infants while drinking heavily.

I am constantly shaking my head in amazement as I read these stories. To say they leave me completely bemused would be a gross understatement, but I can’t think of a word that’s descriptive and powerful enough to put it in better perspective for people. I really just don’t get it.

These stories are even more surprising because, many times, the people acting so insane don’t have a criminal record or anything in their past that would indicate something like this was coming. I guess that’s what makes the stories so shocking. Does something trigger such activity? Is it just a momentary lapse in reason regained only seconds too late after the act is done? Do these people have some inherent flaw that’s just destined to surface eventually? What is the thought process leading up to the actually undertaking of the insane activity, and I guess more interesting, what is the person thinking as they are actually carrying it out?

I really don’t know. To be able to step into someone’s mind during those insane moments, and get a glimpse into the pure chaos and absolute irrationality they produce, would be awesome only because you’d be able to comprehend how/why people do the incomprehensible.

I guess I shouldn’t be surprised by what I’m saying. When someone posses the age old question, “if you could have one superpower what would it be?” I undoubtedly respond by saying it would be the ability to read someone else’s mind. Oh, and to the people who choose a super-power like flying or being invisible, you’re all idiots. Psychological-super powers kick Physical super-powers’ asses any day of the week. If you want to fly, get on a plane. If you want to be invisible, set up one of those tiny cameras in a room or go out and by some camouflage gear.

Anyway, if I were able to understand what these people were thinking, my life would make more sense. I wouldn’t have to bitch and moan about things I don’t understand. More importantly, I’d never again have to shake my head in disbelief when I hear one of these whack ball stories.

Just a few minutes ago I read another story about a 24-yr old who was sentenced to four years in prison for using a Stun gun two times on his 18 month old kid. The man supposedly was trying to make his soon tough, so that he would become the best “cage fighter of all time”. Please, someone explain to me how this makes sense.

Here’s the Stun Gun Clip:

I assure you that this post wasn’t written after watching an episode of Dr. Phil. In fact, his show is probably responsible for 60-70% of the insanity I’m talking about. The big, bald goof-ball really makes people go batty. Anyway, I’m done ranting, but here’s a little advice:

If you ever have an insane thought cross your mind just give some one a call. However, make sure it’s not me. I really hate talking on the phone and my minutes are always too high as is. Just kidding….kind of.

Matt Arrowhead

Remembering the Starter Jacket Sweetness

I didn’t know that Nike dabbled in sporting brands that were cool 15-20 years ago, but it would appear that way with their acquisition of Umbro and sale of Starter this past weekend. One of my friends told me that Umbro was still a popular brand, but I haven’t seen anyone wearing a pair of Sambas in at least 12 years, so I’m a obviously a little skeptical.

Anyway, I think we can all agree that the Starter brand has been in the shit hole for a long, long time.I think an anti-Starter Getsapo-type group went out at night, collected all of the Starter jackets, and mercilessly destroyed them right around 1995 or 1996. Literally, jackets just disappeared overnight without one question being asked by a single person. Pretty typical of us lazy Americans who aren't willing to fight for the good things in life. I'm disgusted and a little hurt. It’s just too bad that weird guy from Unsolved Mysteries passed away . He could have shed some light on the Starter Jacket mystery or, at the very least, talked in that really creepy voice that made you sleep with the hallway light on.

The jackets were so cool in elementary and middle school. The team colors, the sleek design, and that little pouch in the front of the jacket that you could keep snacks and/or drugs in really made them memorable. Really, how could you beat it? In my neck of the woods, the most popular jackets were those of the Irish, the Chicago teams, and the Pacers (distant 3^rd).

However, sometimes you’d have the kids who’d try to one up everyone else on the playground with a team jacket nobody else had seen before. There were also the kids that wore the Cowboy or 49er jackets only because the teams were popular at the time. Oh, how about the toolish kid who wore the Florida Gators jacket only because he liked the team colors? He was always easiest to mock. Then there was the kid wearing a Blackhawks jacket who provided everyone with just enough proof that hockey did in fact still exist. Lastly, I can’t leave out the one tomboy who’d be wearing her older brother’s jacket and dominating the recess touch football game. She’d always end up injuring me somehow.

Basically, you weren’t cool unless you had a Starter jacket in grade school. They really added some "street cred". One of my worst nightmares was showing up to school after Christmas break with my new Bulls starter jacket only to see a kid a year older than me with the exact same one on. Boy, did I have to hold back the tears that day.

I’m going to be on e-bay all day looking for a new one. I think we can all agree that the red Bull’s jacket, without question, was the coolest one of all time. Don’t agree with me? I’ll meet you out in the parking lot during recess.

Matt Arrowhead

"Luke's Gettin' Kicked Off the Team"- Luke

Luke Caperelli, a 19 year old back-up RB at Wake Forest, has been kicked off his football team after making terrorism threats on his personal Facebook page.

Typically, the Facebook is a place where high schoolers and collegiate folk share messages, post on walls, “poke” each other, and stalk those members of the opposite sex who are much more attractive then they are, but Mr. Caperelli wasn’t having any of that. He thought poking friends and tagging people in photos was BORRRRING.

Instead, his page was filled with quotes (all written in third person) suggesting he wanted to “blow up campus” and that he had an Uzi submachine gun that was “locked and loaded in his bag”.

The third person quotes never get old. Luke should have been a little more comical with some of his quotes, maybe then people would have realized he was just being a goofster. You know, something like “Luke is gettin’ angry. Luke’s got a big ole gun in his bag. Luke wants to kill innocent people. Luke is an idiot for typing all of this stuff on his profile that hundreds of people will be looking at.”

I really don't think any of the non-sense on his page was serious. He has cooperated with the police, and they haven’t found anything on his computer or in his dorm room that would suggest he actually considered taking down the school. He probably just has a sick sense of humor, but come on, he has to be a pretty big idiot for putting this shit up on a page that everyone has access to.

As I was interviewing for jobs last year, I was told by my business placement office that I should remove all information and images from my Facebook account that might be offensive and damaging. Immediately, I went home and deleted everything on my profile. Hell, I wouldn’t want the interviewers to know about my secret ties to the KGB or have them see those “racy” pics of me, in my tighty whities, being fed grapes by an albino hooker from Romania (who I’m 95% sure roofied me.) :-( I just had this feeling that the recruiters from the accounting firms I was interviewing with wouldn’t appreciate my version of a party.

Kidding aside, Luke should have removed his “version of a party” from the profile. Instead, he’s been kicked off the team, doesn’t have a scholarship, and might be facing criminal charges.
What a dumb-dumb? I’m just hoping I can find Osama’s facebook profile; it’d be the easiest 25 million bucks anyone’s ever made. Well, assuming he’d accept my friendship of course.

SI Article

Matt Arrowhead

Vote KJ in '08!

Sacramento mayor Heather Fargo might face some tough competition in the city’s upcoming mayoral race from none other than former NBA point guard Kevin Johnson. Johnson, best known for this dunk over Hakeem Olajuwon in the 1994 NBA Playoffs, is consdisering a run at office and will make his decision known to the public soon.

Fargo’s bid for a third term wasn’t expected to face any real competition, so this news has to have her saying, “FUCK!”. I’m pretty sure mayors do absolutely nothing, so it’s gotta suck when someone tries to take the ultimate “sit around all day and act busy” job away.

Not sure if a couple big dunks over NBA centers are enough to get one elected, but really, in this day and age, anything is possible. Jesse “The Body” Ventura was governor of Minnesota for four years, and Arnold Schwarzenegger currently runs the biggest state in the country, so Johnson has to like his chances. I mean he, unlike “the Body” and the Terminator , at least knows how to add and subtract.

David Townsend, a pollster from Sacramento, says Johnson would be the favorite if he decides to enter the race. Johnson’s name recognition and endorsements from local celebs and business people would mean national exposure and money; two things that are hard to beat. So, it seems like it would make sense for Kevin, and really, what else does he have to do anyway?

Like anyone who’s vying for a political seat, Johnson has already faced criticism from detractors in the Sacramento and LA areas. Here's a couple:

”The local teachers union has railed against Johnson since his nonprofit, St. HOPE Corp., took over Sacramento High School in 2002 and turned it into a charter school. Some parents were enraged by the change and sued Sacramento City Unified for approving it.

Meanwhile, some Oak Park residents are demanding Johnson follow through with renovation plans for several decaying properties he owns in that community. Half his properties there have been cited for code violations in the past decade.”

So KJ’s a slum lord who’s trying to undermine our public education system, huh? Sounds like he’d be perfect for political office.

Matt Arrowhead