Absurd

Disclaimer:Though the picture might suggest otherwise, I was really pissed about the story I read.

“You shouldn’t do anything unless you’re willing to put forth 100% effort.”

I’ve heard that line hundreds of times throughout my life. Well, you know what, I think that line is complete bullshit. I’ve done a bunch of shit at less than 100%, and usually it’s pretty decent. I just hope that sentiment of mine will apply to this article I’m about to write because, honestly, I’d be lying if I said even 1% effort was given to its creation.

So you have one of two options:

1. Stop reading this article right now.
2. Continue reading this article and realize that you are probably a bigger loser than me; considering you know how stupid this thing is going to be and still continue to read.

Haha, so you choose option #2, I see. You are a bigger loser than me. Anyway, I read a little article today about two suicide bombings at Pet Markets in Iraq. Anytime I read about one of these, I get frustrated because I realize how ridiculous this world is. However, frustration is usually where it ends. I don’t attach any emotion to the events. Frankly, doing so would be entirely too taxing on myself, and because I’m selfish, I don’t want to have to deal with it.

However, the bombing today was extra sickening because the suicide bombers used were actually mentally handicapped women, who probably had no idea what they were doing.
The two women went into a crowded area of Baghdad, with bombs strapped to their bodies (unbeknownst to them), and killed 91 Iraqis. Some asshole had a detonator and activated it once the mentally retarded women entered the targeted pet markets. I guess this type of thing shouldn’t surprise me, but I was under the assumption that most of the people who perpetrated these heinous acts were “religious zealots who were willing to die for their ultimate cause”. Though the idea that people were actually willing to kill themselves for their cause frightened me, it wasn’t nearly as defeating as this story.

Now, we have big time vaginas committing terrorist acts, who aren’t even willing to die for their own cause. In fact, they are such cowards that they have to strap bombs to innocent, mentally challenged people and have those people carry out their dirty work. Really, what’s next?

I’d even have trouble faking mental retardation to get to the front of a line. Sadly however, it seems like a good idea. Really, check out this scene from Curb.

Hey, it’s pretty ridiculous, but sometimes you gotta laugh (as cliche as it may sound). If not, the absurdity of some folks would absolutely eat away at you.

Matt Arrowhead

Blind Luck

Leo Fiyalko, a 92 year old man from Clearwater, Florida, hit his very first hole-in-one yesterday at Cove Cay Country Club. Miraculously, he aced the 110 yd Par 3 hole with a 5 iron.

Leo’s not only “creepy old, he’s legally blind as well. Honestly, I’m really happy for him, but my biggest accomplishment over the last 24 hours was successfully eating cereal with a fork, so I’m also a little jealous and depressed. We at Log’s Blog think that Leo might be full of sh*t. In fact, this is what we foresee happening if Leo ever has to testify about this hole-in-one of his. (Law and Order Style)

Sockless’ Cross Examination:

Sockless: "So, you’re feeling pretty full of yourself, aren’t you Mr. Leo Fiyalko.”

Leo: "Why, yes I am! But, I’m a little sad. I’ve been playing golf for the last 60 years. I finally hit my first hole-in-one, and I wasn't even able to see it.”

Sockless: “Well thank you very much for stating the obvious Mr. Fiyalko. You didn’t see it go in…HA…You probably couldn’t even see a shade of green that late January day. My only question is this: How do you know your shot actually went in? You could have put the ball 200 yards in the woods and you wouldn’t have known the difference. Isn’t that right? Did you hear the ball hit the bottom of the cup? You must have one king kong-like hearing aid if that’s what happened. My bet is that you’ve been trying to hit a hole-in-one for the last sixty plus years, due to time constrictions and desperation, you completely made the whole shot up to make one last headline before you kicked the bucket. Isn’t that right Mr. Fiyalko? You’re a weak, helpless old man. I would think that you can’t even take a piss without someone pointing your wrinkly old cock’n’balls in the right direction. Did you even go golfing that fateful day? How much are you paying people to testify that you did indeed hit a hole-in-one?

Judge Ito: "Sockless, you’re badgering the witness!"

Sockless: “Sorry your honor… Lastly I would like to know who in their right mind goes golfing with a blind guy? They can’t drive the cart, they never know what club there picking out of their bag, they can never find their ball, and you always have to be watching them in case they fall in a pond or some shit. It’s called “Golf”, not “Walk around all day pissed off because some old, blind jackass is slowing down your round.”

Leo: “I have witnesses. They helped me pull my five iron out of the bag and watched as the ball went in the hole. Blind luck I guess.”

Sockless: Blind luck, huh? So, I see you’re smug and condescending as well. Give me a break. You might have well said you hit a 110 yard hole-in-one with your putter. That plaque hanging on that Florida country club wall to commemorate your historic achievement is a lie! Something stinks here. I want the truth! And yes Mr. Fiyalko……I can handle the truth. Nothing further.”

Sockless Dilemma

Judah Tops Mayweather

Two years ago, when Zab Judah and Floyd Mayweather fought, it got ugly. There were low blows and riots in the ring, but in the end Pretty Boy escaped with his undefeated record in tact, scoring a unanimous decision.

But this time around it was Judah scoring the decisive victory--proving that although Mayweather may be the better fighter, Zab really knows how to make it rain. While partying at Prive nightclub in Planet Hollywood, Mayweather bought three magnums of Perrier Jouet Rose which apparently run at two grand apiece. He also threw $5000 into the crowd for his own personal enjoyment. Pretty impressive, Pretty Boy.

But Judah was not about to be bested by Mayweather for the second time in a row. He topped him by purchasing 50 bottles of Dom, at a thousand a pop, for a grand total of $50,000 (aren't you glad you have me to do the math for you?). Sweet Jesus, we have a new world champion. Ladies and gentleman, Zab Judah.

Punch Drunk

Puppy Bowl: Part Quatre

Le Cheff wanted a Puppy Bowl IV write-up with expert analysis and picks, but I didn’t think that was acceptable until our readers understood exactly what the Puppy Bowl is, and why it will one day pass the Super Bowl in ratings, fan fare, and excitement.

You see, Animal Planet’s Puppy Bowl combines all of those things we typically equate with good in life. It’s got the puppies, which are obviously very cute (even if sometimes too rambunctious for me), as well as jazz music, bountiful amounts of water, toys, the Kitten Bowl halftime show, tailgate exclusives, poop/pee, and of course the water cam bowl - all in HD for the first time ever!

Get out. The Puppy Bowl was cool enough when it was on regular cable, but this added bonus of HD just puts PB IV on another level. Plus, renowned NFL Films announcer Harry Kalas will handle the play-by-play for the mega event; breaking down the pups, in all their puptasticness, from the moment they enter the sold out arena. Ya, I know, I'm excited too.

It seems like the Puppy Bowl producers have set a 3 month age limit for the pups, so that means many of the past fan favorites like Barry the Poodle (PB II), the siblings Bomber, Buster, and Buffy (PB III), and Quesadilla (PB III) will not be returning. However, we’ll never forget their never say die attitudes and courage in the face of seemingly insurmountable odds.

From the looks of it, the new cast of characters will provide some of the same great theatrics that the old celebrity-pups have made us come to expect.

Some Puppy Bowl IV players include:

• Attucker, a Beagle
• Finnigan, a Cavalier King Charles Spaniel/Bichon Frise mix
• Jack the Labrador mix
• Jack the Miniature Dachshund
• Jackson, a West Highland Terrier
• Janet, a Bull Terrier mix
• Kodiak, a Rottweiler/Lab mix
• Rascal, a Border Collie mix
• Raven, a Beagle/Miniature Pinscher mix
• Scuba, a Mixed-breed dog

Who names their dog Janet? It’s an animal, not a 45 year old elementary school teacher.


I’ll make one prediction now; I think Kodiak is the next star to come out of the Puppy Bowl. Attucker, Jack the Lab, Raven, Jackson, and Scuba all seem to be formidable as well. I might come back with an injury report and some odds tomorrow, but for now, enjoy the clip. (Watch it. It’s only 1:30min long and it’s a joke):


Finally, it’s that time of the year. After months of waiting and anticipation, the big game is upon us. Media day is over, and the athletes are left to focus on the task at hand. They take the field on Sunday at 3:00pm, and the Bowl runs for three hours. I can’t wait.

Matthew D. Arrowhead

Puppy Bowl

Clipper Darrell Soon to be Maverick Darrell?

Mark Cuban just had a meeting with that guy. Ya, the one in the above picture. Cuban wants him to work for the Mavericks.

That guy is Darrell Bailey, known to many NBA fans, owners, and players as “Clipper Darrell”. He has been a loyal LAC fan for the last 25 or so odd years. Hmm, well maybe not. I’m not actually sure how long he’s been a fan of the team. Quite honestly, I just made that number up. I’m just surprised they found one.

To most Clipper fans-who haven’t went “barrel to the mouth”- he is that annoying guy who won’t shut the fuck up when other people are trying to enjoy themselves and concentrate on the game. He does the same bullshit all annoying fans do, you know, like starting obnoxious chants and embarrassing himself during “live halftime performances”. Basically, he just makes a giant ass out of himself every time he shows up at a game. He’s been to over 280 consecutive Clipper’s home games, and I’d venture to guess he’s wore that absurd Red/Blue suit getup to every one.

Chances it’s been washed more than 3 times = very minimal.

Chances the song he uses during his halftime performances is “My Hump” by the Black Eyed Peas = very likely .

Chances his car looks like a clown mobile = well you decide:

Anyway, for some reason Mavericks owner Cuban was impressed with Darrell when he heard him yelling and yearning for attention at a Clipper’s game. Reportedly, Cuban quickly acted and offered Darrell a job to sell out and cheer for Dallas. There is no word yet as to whether or not Darrell is going to become a full time Mavericks fan. It’s bad enough athletes can go from team to team but now franchises are competing over obnoxious fans too. What a kick in the dick?

If a billionaire offered me a hundred grand to go cheer for the Mavs and watch basketball, I would definitely go do it. The Clippers, on the other hand, would have to offer me a couple million, and more importantly, Sam Cassell would have to contractually agree to allow me sit on his lap during all time-outs. Cassell would also have to give me Eskimo kisses on demand and would be forbidden to smile throughout the season; excluding teammate’s birthdays of course. Everyone deserves to smile on a birthday.

People have been expressing their opinions via Darrell’s myspace page:

“Make dat money”

“You can be a Clipper fan at heart and a Mav fan for the $....make dat money”

“If you leave you will be public enemy #1”

A celebrity was even asked what they thought about the Clip D situation:

“I’m Jack Nicholson, who the fuck is He. I want the truth!! Make dat money”~Jack

Written By Sockless Dilemma

Clipper Darrell's Myspace Page

Clipper Darrell's Web Site

Dallas Mavericks News

Shocking, Breaking News!!

Oh my god, I can't believe what I just read! But really, who would have predicted this!?

Brett Farve isn't sure if he's going to be returning to the Green Bay Packers next year. Before the Green Bay loss to the Giants, Favre hinted that he would be coming back, but now says he's going to mull it over for a few weeks- which means we'll probably be waiting at least 4-5 months before we have a decision from the clown- and that's if were lucky.

Here's what the Ole' Gunslinga had to say:

"The game the other day will not play into my decision making. I'm not going to let one game affect my future one way or another. I think it's more whether I'm willing to go through the journey and the ups and downs. What if we start 4-0? Great. What if we start 0-4? Then how will I react? Do I want to put in the time in the off-season to prepare? That will decide it more than anything else."

This quote was taken from Favre over the last couple days, but really I could have pulled an exact replica from some ESPN archives across the last 3 years. I gotta go. I’m running to CVS for a barf bag or Walmart for a pistol.

Matt Arrowhead

Problem with Balls in Africa

Blame it on the balls. So says South Africa’s goalkeeper Moeneeb Joseph’s who’s competing with his fellow countrymen at the African Nations Cup. The Cup, hosted by Ghana in four cities, includes teams throughout Africa- which makes sense as it is called the African Nations Cup.

Anyway, the Adidas ball being used in competition has Josephs and other goalies in the tournament upset. The ball is multi-colored - making it look uber-cool- but supposedly it’s producing weird spin that makes it very difficult for goalies to stop. 58 goals have been scored in 18 games, and the article mentions that many of the goals have been scored on long distance strikes.

Josephs has been a Negative Nancy about the whole thing, saying:

“ It's the ball's movement that's the problem. You're expecting it to do one thing and then it does something totally different, which is hard for a goalkeeper because you're going in one direction and it changes direction in mid-air. It makes goalkeepers look like idiots. It isn't that the guys have been scoring good goals; it's the ball which has been making the guys look good.”

I remember there were some similar issues with an Adidas ball during the ’06 World Cup. There, just like at this completion, many of the goalies complained that the ball was acting unpredictably. The ball being used was one that didn’t have as many panels as a traditional soccer ball. The lower number of panels meant fewer seams on the ball, which lead to decreased spin. edit: I had a little bit of an explanation that was literally 100% opposite of what's actually true. Proving once again that I don't think when I write, and end up thoroughly embarrassing myself in the process.

Ok, I’m done explaining that. If you don’t understand, you’re stupid. Anyway, that could be the problem that’s currently afflicting the goalies at the African Nation Cup or it could be the fact that the multi-color ball is “kind of trippy” and most likely putting the goalies into a very peaceful, yet highly ineffective, trance. Really, check this thing out.

I stared at it too long the first time I looked at it, and I was jolted by my forehead smacking the keyboard.

Matt Arrowhead

http://www.thestar.co.za/index.php?fArticleId=4229274

photocourtesy of wikipedia.

Fellas, Fellas, Fellas Here is the "Shutterbugs" clip

Ok, ok I know this clip is old and many of you have already seen it, but those who haven't deserve the Bobbe J experience. It is, without a doubt, the funniest skit I've ever seen.

Just to give you a little background, the clip is about two agents who work for a children's talent agency called "Shutterbugs". The two men Bill and Samir produced a move titled "Lil' 9/11" that flopped in the box office after one of the child actors staring in the movie as Lil' Osama had his kneecap smashed. Their boss is pissed off, and they have to go in for a meeting with him.... and that is where the skit gets completely ridiculous.



Matt Arrowhead

Chris Lofton Says, "3-pointer I just want to hold you all night long. I don't care who knows it, or if society will accept our love. I Heart you!"

Basketball purists hate Tennessee guard Chris Lofton with unrelenting passion. They want to strip him of his manhood in front of everyone he loves and trusts. To them 3-pointers are repugnant, and Lofton-because he shoots so many- makes them sick.

Every headline for the Tennessee men’s basketball team seems to read one of two ways.
“Lofton’s 3-point Barrage Lifts Vols to Win”
or

“Lofton Can’t Find Mark From Deep as Vols Lose”

Lofton loves shooting 3-pointers. In fact in a recent interview he responded with “I’d quit and move to St. Louis” when asked what he’d do if the NCAA abolished the 3-point arc. It almost seems like Chris is delusional and thinks there's a burning tar pit inside the 3-point stripe. He refuses to enter.

Another possibility is this -that Lofton hates 2-pointers and doesn’t have any other alternative on the basketball court. Did 2-pointers sleep with his girlfriend or call his mother a whore? Did they steal his lunch money growing up or give him swirlies every day at recess? I don’t know, but his obsession with 3-pointers has to come from somewhere.

Only 11 players in the NCAA attempt more 3-pointers per game than Lofton. And, most of these guys are from smaller schools that- if I really think about it-probably don’t even exist. Robert Vayden is the only name that pops out on the list, but he plays at UAB, so ya, nevermind. Not one other player from a power conference shoots more 3's on average.

Sadly, 10 of the 11 guys that do shoot more 3's than Lofton also shoot at a higher percentage. But guess what, the madness doesn’t end there. Really, it’s just beginning.

Here’s Some Stats:

• Lofton has shot 168 3-pointers this year through 19 games. He’s only taken a total of 225 shots, which means 3-point attempts account for 75% of his shots.

• He’s made 83 field goals this year. 61 of those field goals have been three pointers, so 73% all of his makes are 3’s.

• He has 276 points total, and 183 of those points have come off 3’s. So, 66% of his scoring output is from 3-point makes.

• When you add free throws to the equation, only 17% of his baskets are from 2-point buckets.

• He shoots 8.8 threes a game. Moreover, Tennessee has blown out around 3-4 teams where Lofton’s only played anywhere between 22-26 minutes. In fact, he’s on pace to shoot 20 more threes than he did last year when he chucked up 253 three point attempts.

• Currently, he is average 14.5 ppg and shooting a meek 36% from 3-point land, compared to last year when he averaged 20.8 pp and shoot 42% from the three point strip.

• He averages just a little over 2 apg.

So, Chris is struggling this year, but that hasn’t stopped him from shooting, and shooting, and shooting, and shooting, and shooting, and shooting, and shooting. Usually a guard like Lofton will get at least one easy bucket from a fast break steal or a leak out, but only 17% of his points are coming from 2’s, so he must shoot-threes even on breakaways where no defender is in front of him. Wow, how annoying would he be in a pick-up game at the local rec. center?

Maybe Lofton's love of 3's is actually more of an obsession. A sick and never ending 3-point addiction that will ultimately end in bloodshed, the destruction of 2 third world countries, and a pandemic of some sort. We can never be sure what's on the horizon when love takes a fatal turn.We can only pray and hope that the young man gets help before its too late.

Note: Last night, Lofton hit 5 threes on his way to 23 points in a 93-86 victory over Alabama.

Matt Arrowhead

"The I'm A Dork Who Actually pulls information into a Spreadsheet" Spreadsheet

Photo Courtesy of View Image.

Information on spreadsheet courtesy of ESPN.COM aka the Worldwide Leader in Sports Entertainment, Fun, Excitement, Math, Spelling, Random Fun Facts, and Hanky Panky.

Just Waiting for the Regular Season to End

Among my many problems with the National Basketball Association is the length of the season. The definition of ‘grueling’ in some countries is viewed as ‘eighty-two games of basketball spread out over five and a half months.’ I would be mailing in games too if my playoff position was relatively known and we were playing game fifty-seven on the road in Toronto.

Not only do the players legitimately not care, most casual fans don’t even know what the hell is going on around the midpoint of the season. If you asked me the Cavs’ record right now, I would just shrug my shoulders and reply “they’re in good position to make the playoffs.” That’s probably how the players feel, too. So here are a couple of alternatives that my naïve mind has come up with to fixing this problem in the NBA:

1. Cut the season down to around sixty games.

Or

2. Cut the amount of playoff teams down to six per conference.

Or

3. Do both. I can’t decide if this would be a good idea or not yet.

At risk of looking like an idiot for going out of order, I’ll start with #2. Can you imagine the chaos that would be going on in the West if only six teams could make the playoffs? Every team would have to play their ass off in every game to keep their playoff hopes alive. That’s pretty much the only reason it would be a good idea, because it would maintain the grueling level of the length of the season.

That said, I like option #1 the best. This would probably bring the length of the season down to about 4 months. With that few games, players have to legitimately worry about every game coming into play regarding their playoff hopes. Why do you think the NFL works so well? Every game matters, there’s only one per week, so there’s a better chance that that particular game will affect your teams’ playoff hopes and/or seed. If someone at any point during the NFL season asked me what the Browns’ record was, I would immediately rattle it off, because it matters week in and week out what happens. Also, this gives those bottom-of-the-barrel-lottery-teams less time to realize that they’re horrendous and that they need to start tanking to improve their lottery ball status.

So next time someone asks you what your NBA team’s record is, just tell them you’re waiting for the playoffs to start because the regular season is pretty, pretty, pretty bad.

(DISCLAIMER: Yes, I know that this would never fly because the owners would shit a brick over the lost ticket sales)