Mom's Takin Lil' Eli to Disney World

Usually when players are asked the question, "You just won the Super Bowl, what are you going to do next?"

They respond with "I'm gong to Disney World!!!"

I've always suspected they didn't mean it, where paid to say it, or just felt pressured into conforming to society's demanding expectations.

For the first time, I'm convinced an athlete was generally excited about going to Disney World. In fact, this You Tube Clip was cut short.


The extended version of Eli's quote was this:

"I'm going to Disney World! Thanks for finally taking me mom. I wanna go to Animal Kingdom, Epcot, and Magic Kingdom in that order! Than, I gunna watch the fireworks over Cinderella's pretty castle thing. Oh mom, thanks for letting me go finally. Just me and you though. No Dad, Pey, or Coop"

During an interview the day after the Super Bowl, a reporter asked Eli what he'd do if his mom didn't actually take him to Disney World. Eli didn't respond with words. Instead, he pointed down to the shirt he had on at the time. (see below)


I don't know why I enjoy poking fun at good old Eli, but I can't help myself. Really, I'm glad he was able to win and give everyone who doubted him a big middle finger, but for whatever reason, I see him as a big eight year old.

MA

Roy Williams Don't Know Nothing About Nothing

I’ll be brief with this story about UNC basketball coach Roy Williams, but let it be known that I think his lack of pop culture knowledge is arrogant, miserable, and extremely obnoxious.

Exhibit A: He doesn’t know who Dr. Phil is.

A reporter began a question about the rivalry by saying "I don't mean to be Dr. Phil-esque with this, but ..."

When the question ended Williams looked around the room and said, "Who's Dr.Phil?"

Exhibit B: He doesn’t know who ‘Kramer” is.

"When I was at Kansas, they had a contest among the students I was supposed to help judge about who looked the most like this one guy. I turned to (guard) Jacque Vaughn and asked him for some help. He said 'You never heard of Kramer?' and told me who to vote for.

Exhibit C: He knows nothing of the Lord of the Rings Trilogy (which I guess I actually applaud).

We were in a group talking one day and somebody mentioned the latest 'Lord of the Rings' movie. Coach was amazed they made a movie about that and we had to tell him it was the third film in the trilogy."

Please, please, and please. Roy, there’s no shame in admitting you know about this stuff.

I remember watching a Coca-Cola commercial Williams was in awhile back and thinking two things:

1. He should have said, “I’m Roy Williams, and I approve this message.” at the end of the commercial.
2. This guy is the biggest hilljack I know.

I think my observations were spot on. I’ll let you decide.

Roy needs to focus less on slamming Cokes and more on getting his pop culture game together. Pussy.

MA

How are we supposed to swim without any water?

And you say global warming isn’t real. Try telling that to local Atlanta swim teams who were almost forced out of the water this summer after Georgia governor Sonny Perdue (ridiculous, probably made up name) placed a ban on outdoor watering. Translation: No outdoor swimming pools for neighborhood swim pool associations, swim teams, and yes, even private pool owners.

A drought in Atlanta has forced leaders of the state to come up with, well, unique ways to conserve water. The governor has since backed off the “no watering stance” a bit, but there are still a few interesting strategies for dealing with the drought. Read this absurdity.

“Pool-filling will be allowed and home and business owners will be able to hand-water landscaping and flower gardens for 25 minutes a day, between midnight and 10 a.m., on a three-day-a-week schedule. Watering with sprinklers would still be banned, except for watering newly installed landscapes. “

So they can water three times a week, but can’t use sprinklers? Very Interesting. But wait, it doesn’t stop there. The government has also implemented a schedule based on the old “odds and evens” strategy.

“The three-day schedule for watering is the permanent one: Odd-numbered addresses can water on Tuesdays, Thursdays and Sundays and even-numbered addresses can water on Mondays, Wednesdays and Saturdays, only during the allowed hours. The governor said he hasn't decided whether to let fountains run this summer, including the popular tourist destination in Centennial Olympic Park.”

So, as we wait on the “fountains decision” from the governor, local swimmers at least know they’ll be able to take a dip or compete a few times a week. Frank Marsden, of Atlanta Swimming, wrote a passionate letter to local swimmers in the area hoping to prevent the governor’s proposed ban. He decided to make an entirely emotional and over the top argument. Usually, this type of argument isn't effective if dealing with sane and rational human beings. However, the fact that everyone involved is talking about pools, which I must remind everyone are just holes that hold water, suggests that no one involved in the “controversy” possess any sanity or ability to reason. Here’s his argument as to why the pools should remain open.

“Having our pools closed during the summer would be catastrophic. First, it would create a massive health risk. Stagnant pools would be a rampant breeding ground for mosquitoes that carry West Nile virus as well as other dangerous bacteria. Second, it eliminates the centerpiece of thousands of local neighborhood summers, the local pool. It is the place for kids to safely play, exercise, socialize and generally stay out of trouble. In metro Atlanta alone, over 40,000 kids participate in summer league swimming. Could you imagine cancelling Little League baseball? Third, the economic loss resulting from all local pools being closed has been estimated at $300 million.”

"Uhhhhhh, ya......... ok......I guess?"(My response 30 seconds after reading that as I stared blankly at my computer screen and scratched my head)

You’d think he was talking about a possible terrorist attack. Shit, maybe –at least subconsciously- he is. Let’s raise the terror alert level to red, or orange, or green, or whatever color it is the Department of Homeland Security uses to unnecessarily scare the shit out of people.

MA

Leo Dicaprio: Just Tryin' to Ball

“Yo, I just wanna ball. Why these haters trying to interrupt my game?”

I imagine that’s what Leonardo DiCaprio has been mumbling this past week. His next door neighbors are alleging the full-size basketball court Leo had built in the backyard of his Hollywood Hills home has undermined their swimming pool and surrounding land on the property. Why he built a full-size basketball on a hill is still mystifying to me. It seems like the game would become unnecessarily difficult with that setup, but to each his own, I guess.

Anyway, Leo’s a big time Lakers fan and played a young druggie in ‘Basketball Diaries’, so it comes as no surprise that he wants to play a little ball in his free time. Me thinks the neighbors are just angry about the court because of the noise it creates. Have you ever tried to sleep while a next door neighbor’s playing basketball at 3 or 4 in the morning? I have, and it doesn’t work. They probably just felt like filing a noise complaint and being those “old, grouchy neighbors” would come off as a little snooty, so instead they’ve filed a lawsuit and are suing him for at least $250,000. Chump change to wealthy elitists like you and I, but no laughing matter for Leo.

DiCaprio doesn’t believe the lawsuit holds any merit, but said even if it does, the contractors are to blame. Leo, like every good American, is going to place the blame on someone else. Now that I’m thinking about it, I really don’t care one bit about this stupid story. It's just another example of whitey trying to bring a baller down.

I’m done typing. My bed beckons.

MA

Sky Network Demands More 'Talent'

Sky Reporter GeorgiaThompson..I think they might have something here.

Competition amongst sports networks is intense. In order to keep viewers tuning in, networks work hard to gain a competitive advantage in anyway they can. Interesting match-ups, quality commentary (if that’s what you call it), and uhhh, extremely hot women are necessary to remain relevant.

see how much more interesting things become when hot women are involved?

Stateside, we have Erin Andrews and a slew of other women I’d enjoy fornicating with for our viewing pleasure, and it seems like those feisty Brits have realized they need a little more “high quality ass” roaming their sidelines as well.

Sky Network, the leading subscription based sports network in the United Kingdom, has told their female presenters to get all "sexed up" to fend off the sideline talent their rivals are putting on the air. Read this little tidbit from the article I stumbled across.

“Sky broadcasters including Georgia Thompson, Vicky Gomersall and Millie Clode have to raise their game to compete with a sexy new squad of hosts on Setanta Sports News. They now have good-looking girls of their own and we want our female hosts to stay ahead of the competition. Viewers may even have noticed recently that a few of our girls have a new hairdo or are extra lippy.

Wow, so these girls not only look good, they talk dirty as well. It’s a very good combination.Oh, and one Sky “insider” had this to say:

“All our girls are perfect - but we can all have our off days.”

Really, a more perfect line has never been uttered. Subtle and to the point.

The networks might want to be extra careful though. Only bad things happen when women are competing for a man’s attention. Usually, those bad things involve cat-like fighting, tears, and runny mascara, which we can all agree are really annoying and unattractive. Well, at least the tears and runny mascara are. The cat-like fighting can be cool given the correct set of circumstances. And by correct set of circumstances, I mean hot, naked, and big busted.

Zing!

MA

Baseball's Jim Sorensen is a Drunk Again

Holy shit, I thought I knew how to drink, but this guy puts me to shame. Jim Sorensen, former MLB player and Detroit Tiger play by play guy, was arrested on his 7^th drunken-driving related incident last night. Detroit cops found him passed out in his car on the side of a Detroit highway. He was taken to the hospital where it was discovered that his BAC was 6 times the legal limit.

Jim was sentenced to 20 months in prison for drinking during 2005, and released in June 2006 after serving 14 months. Most people might consider hitching a ride to the party after 6 DUI’s and a 14 month stay in prison, but not Jim. I was going to ask what type of friends would let Jim drive with that drinking resume, but then realized a drunk of his caliber probably doesn’t have too many.

Michigan’s legal limit is .08, so that means he was at a .46 at the time he got tested. Who knows how long he had been passed out on the side of the road or how insane his BAC was at it’s highest point? I remember the alcohol classes I had to take after getting a couple drinking ticket in college, and they always showed us this ridiculous chart of BAC levels and the symptoms that accompanied them. (see below)

The lady leading the alcohol class always said two things.

1. If you’ve been arrested once you’ll be back again. (She was right.)
2. Any BAC above a .30 is extremely dangerous, and any BAC above a .40 usually results in comatose or death.

Seasoned drinkers will usually laugh at the 2^nd statement. Anyone who knows how to party has hit that .30 mark once in their life, and the true drinking “stars” have come close to that .40. Yet, when one gets into the .40’s, it’s just scary -and more often than not -deadly. Good ole’ Jim was getting pretty close to a .50, and still had the wherewithal to get off the road.

Reckless, drunken idiot or "leading light" for alcoholics everywhere? I’ll let the public decide.

Really though, 7 DUI’s? Come on now, Jim.

MA

Drunk Guy Crashes Super Bowl Parties in LA

Luis Mendoza, 31, was arrested on misdemeanor driving under the influence charges for allegedly running into a power pole in Southern California early Sunday night. Funny thing is this: when Mendoza hit the pole he knocked out electricity for 8,300 residents in the Brentwood area who were trying to watch the last five minutes of one of the greatest Super Bowls ever.

They missed Moss’ parting of the sea and blank stare after he scored that go ahead touchdown with a few minutes left in the game. They missed Eli pissing his pants after he threw the game winner. They missed Belichick walking off the field and Junior Seau looking like he’d just watched his entire family get murdered execution style - all because some drunk jackass doesn’t know how to keep it together behind the wheel while drinking. Oh, what a sight to see! Reportedly, Peyton said he shot a load off in his pants when the Colts beat the Patriots in the AFC championship last year. This year Eli let out a little tinkle after he connected with Burress for the win, but hey, older bro Pey probably told Eli a little pee pee never hurt anyway. It’s better than a bunch of load in your boxers, I guess.

Anyway, can you imagine not watching the last 5 minutes of that game? It’s like God took a huge shit on all of those residents. So I did a little brainstorming and came up with the “5 worst things that could have happened during Super Bowl 42” besides having the power go out of course. It would be a “10 worst” list, but I stayed up all night playing 1$-2$ stud, and I can’t keep my eyes open right now. Oh yeah, I’m 24 years old & a huge loser but at least I’m not denying it like most people. Here it is.

1) My beer-drinking, masculine uncle comes out of the closet by telling me he wants to “tap Tom Brady’s sweet, sweet ass.” Very Colorful. If he did that, I’d be forced to shut off the game and put out the flame(s).

2) I go to my Mexican friend’s super bowl party (if I had any Mexican friends) and unexpectedly have to watch the whole game in espanol. Hey, maybe that wouldn’t be so bad. At least, I wound’t have had to listen to Troy Aikman debate whether or not it’d be wise for the Giants to go for it on 4^th down with under two minutes left in the fucking Super Bowl What an idiot. Oh by the way; how do you pronounce Eli in Spanish? Is it Elimenudo?

3) I’m completely caught up in the intensity of the game when all of the sudden I hear a loud thud, immediately followed by a yelp. I open the front door to see my dog lying in its own blood under a UPS truck on the street. Instead of getting mad at the driver, I get mad at the dog for wrecking my Super Bowl. I don’t think that’s outrageous.

4) At halftime captains from New York and New England hold a council and decide that the rivalry between New York & Boston teams is petty and insignificant; concluding that divisions are bringing our country down. Straham, the council leader and huge fan of ABC’s Lost, comes out after halftime and makes this speech:

“Why do you (the fans) think that your two cities are the only two that exist? You all have a warped perspective on how shit is run. All I ever wanted to know is if the people from LOST are ever going to get off that God damn island. And really, are the others who they say they are? Why is Locke acting so creepy? Jesus, me so confused! Anyways to punish you, the fans, for adding extra pressure on us players and the paranoid, delusional, striking writers of LOST, we the captains of the New York Giants and New England Patriots agree to end Super bowl 42 in a draw. Fuck you.

5) I decide to stay in for the Super Bowl this year and enjoy a nice little quiet afternoon with the wife. I’m focused on the game, but I can’t stop thinking about the tub of boneless buffalo wings she inhaled no more than 5 minutes ago. Unfortunately, my high school sweet heart’s body hasn’t held up through the years. The only thing that’s sweet about her is the inside of her mouth because it’s holding 6-8 fun size snickers. And, guess what? Her hand is starting to creep further and further towards my private region. Get off my Eli jersey. Are you kidding? She’s going to try and get nookie from me during the Super Bowl. What a bitch. Oh shit, is that Gisele Bundchen in the press box at the game? She is so fine! Wait a second. Man I’m a genius. If I just picture Gisele in my mind and imagine it’s her trying to get with me, I’ll let my wife do anything she wants to me. She could insert a full fist in my ass if she wanted. Not that I’ve tried it or anything. Thank God I’m a quick thinker. Now come over here Miss. Bundchen, but wipe that chocolate off your face.

Sockless Dillema

Shaq Is Really Old

Brittle, useless, washed-up old people sometimes move to the Phoenix desert after they’ve retired to enjoy their final years on earth. They pack their Winnebagos and head towards the Arizona sun to relax and start the countdown. You know the types I’m talking about. They have gray hair, big ears, smell like moth balls, and walk around hunched over pointing at random things. They break hips, play bingo, and eat dinner at 2:30pm. They walk around malls for exercise and cause car crashes. Sometimes you’re even forced to listen to one of their ridiculous soliloquies. They almost always start with “Back in my day” and end with “only cost a nickel” –regardless of subject matter or context. All sagacity they once had is gone. Replaced with logic even a local party clown would find a little brain numbing.

Shaq fits this stereotype perfectly. He’s old and should be entering his “golden years”. Yet, it seems like he might be moving to Phoenix to continue his NBA career with the Suns. A proposed trade sending Marion to Miami and Shaq to the Suns could happen as soon as today. Retiring doesn’t seem to be an option for Shaq. O’Neil says he’s “a man of his word and honors a contract.” I say it’s pretty hard to turn down 2 years at $20 million. It’s not the first time, nor will it be the last, intelligent men disagree.

Nonetheless, I find the move extremely strange on so many levels.

1. Shaq has been injured all year. In fact, I think his hip has been ailing him for the past few weeks. If a hip problem doesn’t scare the Suns away, I guess nothing will. Usually, when an old person’s hip goes, they end up in a nursing home no more than 3-6 months later. I don’t see Shaq being an exception to this rule when he falls and breaks his.

2. The Suns up-tempo game and Shaq’s rickety knees don’t seem like a good fit, but I just heard Chris Webber’s been named Golden State’s new starting center, so maybe these NBA executives know something I don’t.

3. Phoenix must think that Shaq automatically makes them a favorite out West. This might be an ill conceived notion; at least with the “current” Shaq, who is more likely to been seen on an Icy Hot commercial than on a basketball court.

Maybe Shaq’s divorce has spurred the trade talk. He could be looking for a change. Or maybe it’s the conflict that’s been brewing between him and Pat Riley the last year and a half. They seem to be at odds on how to fix the struggling Heat. Honestly, I’m hoping it’s the latter. That way, we could be looking at a made for TV movie that fills the void created when the makers of Grumpy Old Men and Grumpier Old Men decided against what would have been an epic trilogy.

Either way, I’m confused.

Matt Arrowhead

Super Tuesday

The day has finally arrived. 24 states are hosting primaries, caucuses, or coventions today. McCain will most likely dominate the Republican side of things. While Obama and Hillary, the two Dems, are neck and neck around the country. I'll have a little analysis (if that's what you call random mumbles) tonight if I get around to it, but really I just wanted to post this picture.

Hillary's not only polarizing, she threatens the lives of sweet, innocent little girls.
MA

Bob Knight Retires

My favorite Bobby Knight story involves the "legendary" coach and a member of the press, a group that Knight seemed to be constantly at odds with. After the reporter asked Knight a question he didn't particularly like, Knight paused before responding, "You know, most people learn to write in second grade and then they move on to bigger and better things."

"Well, most people stop calling themselves Bobby and throwing chairs in second grade too," the reported replied.

We always knew "Bobby" was immature and short tempered, but a number of people still naively believed that despite his shortcomings, Knight still coached because he loved the game and the kids.

But Knight's abrupt and unexpected retirement should prove that it was, and always has been all about him. He has no health issues. No personal issues. He'd just set out to accomplish what he wanted to accomplish--winning 900 games and becoming the winningest coach in college basketball. By retiring in the middle of the season, almost immediately after reaching the milestone, and with no other "issues" to use as pretense for quitting, he shows his true character.

And make no mistake, Knight is quitting. He's quitting on the program he signed on to help build. He's quitting on the players he recruited to play for him. The fact that he appointed his son as his successor, is even further evidence that it is what he planned to do all along.

I'm sure the dong slobbering over Knight's accomplishments will begin tomorrow--but I think that any praise of the coach will be immensely misguided.