Thursday, September 13, 2007


Seeing all the depressing stories on here turns me emo and makes me want to write one as well. Oh yea, my internet it fixed and thanks for not cutting me. So here are the worst sports games of my life. Feast on my depression.

#8 New York Giants, Niners, 2002 Playoffs.

It kinda went like this…

1) OMG he botched the snap

2) Holy retard he’s rolling out

3) Is this actually happening?

4) OMG OMG OMG OMG It’s in the air

5) Great a bunch of fat people in the pack


7) YES! They are going to call it. We have a chance.

8) ………

9) …………………

10) great. Real cool. Your face is ineligible.

#7 Miami Dolphins vs San Diego Chargers. 1995 Divisional Playoffs

I normally don’t remember many bad beats from my child hood but I can remember sitting on the toilet at the fine age of 8 after a disheartening loss on a missed field goal by Pete Stoyanovich(one of my idols). I was feeling comfortable sitting in my booty pajamas at halftime with a 21-6 lead. Cheering on Dan the Man, OJ McDuffie, Bernie Parmalee, Kareem Abdul-Jabbar…. Probably the worst team ever but who cares, I was young. So the chargers came back, got a safety and won by one fucking point. That was the last time the Dolphins really tasted playoffs.

#6 TOSU vs Miami. National Championship 2002?

No I am not a fan of the U whatsoever. I just hate ohio state that much(I will never capitalize that school’s name). I refused to watch this game with anyone. I sat in my basement curled up in a ball and was shaking the whole time…. Not from McGahee’s knee but from shear terror that TOSU might win a title. The bandwagon that year was hotter than ever, full of girls who didn’t what a first down was. No one gave TOSU a chance, including myself, and it turned out to be one of the best games I’ve ever seen… and one of the most painful. To this day, I swear that there wasn’t a penalty on that last play. No way in hell. Terrible call. It came after they handed the trophy to the U anyways. Sure Miami could have learned what a QB spy was and utilized it, but instead I had to endure a few years of cocky ass fans. TOSU has the most irrational fans in the history of sports.

#5 Cavs vs Pistons 2006 Playoffs

Beating the Pistons in ’07 was my world championship. I didn’t bother caring about the NBA finals. However in ’06, it was so painful. The Cavs had the dirtiest city in the States down 3-2 in the series and a home game. I was confident and cocky. Too bad Flip Murray wasn’t. After giving the Pistons 29743830 offensive rebounds on one possession the d-bags finally scored and from that point I knew the series was over. Crying.

#4 Notre Dame vs Michigan St. 2005

Because of this game I hate MSU more than USC, and they come veryyyyy close to TOSU. John L. Smith was a cocky son of a bitch who couldn’t even coach. He took his team onto Notre Dame’s field, won the game after a series of disheartening plays, and then his players took their flag and stuck it in OUR field. It felt like they stuck it in my balls. I proceeded to put a hole in the wall, break a dry erase board, and go to town on a box of cereal. As in throw it everywhere, not eat it. The worst part about it was I looked at the next day and noticed that one of the kids who stuck the flag was a kid I played baseball with in little league… I hated him then, I want to neuter him now.

#3 Arizona Wildcats vs Illinois. Elite 8. Year who cares.

I am a big wildcats fan. Basically I have really random favorite teams and people always try and call me bandwagon. So I Danza them. But anyways, this was the most fun I have had in a season with any sports team. I figured it was our year with a great five. Mustafa Shakur, Salim Stoudamire, Luke Walton, Channing Frye, Andre Igoudala(the real A.I.). In the sweet sixteen, Salim Stoudamire hit a game winning jumper against Okla St. I was at Damons with my friends and I thought it was a good idea to rip my shirt off and run around. I was caught in a euphoria and forgot that at that time I weighed upwards 240 pure fat. So yea. After that I thought UofA was untouchable. So the next game involves the not so scary fighting Illini. Arizona was up 15 with one minute and fifteen seconds left in the game. I was dancing, going crazy, final four baby you better believe it. Then Arizona’s play got a little bit shaky. Turnover after turnover resulted in many Illinois baskets. Those fucks came back and tied it up and sent it into OT. I was shocked. Knew we lost and I just sat there. The time expired with Illinois on top and I was frozen. My friends left the house we were watching it at to go get food and I just sat there. They came back and yep I was still in the same spot.

#2 Notre Dame vs USC 2005

During this game my friend Hoose and I came up with a system of things that had to happen when USC has the ball. We needed 2 lucks, one penalty, and one poop your pants. If those didn’t occur, then USC was going to score. It was funny how well it worked like that. Everyone knows the story I don’t want to write about it. I ended up scaring my mom, wrapping my putter around a tree, and lying in my driveway for an hour, hoping someone would pull in and not see me laying there. Thanks Ambrose.

#1 Indians vs Marlins 1997 Series

Fuckin Renteria. Still don’t wanna talk about it.

I am putting in my application for the most tortured fan ever. Cleveland fans can suck it, they have the cockeyes. Six teams. 0 national titles when I’ve been cheering for the team. If you hate a team let me know… I’ll pick up a 7th to make someone happy.


Buzzsaw said...

Reggie Bush actually staked a USC flag in the ND end zone before the game, I hated him, but it was one of the more badass things I've ever seen. He stole it from the cheerleader, planted it, and talked shit to the fans. I was at the game though, I couldn't move after the game, we just sat there for 15 min after the game, in disbelief.

Guy said...

Glad to hear you aren't dead.

What would you do if the Giants played the Dolphins in the Super Bowl someday?

sammich said...

i wont have to worry about that

mjenks said...

After the USC game, I curled into the fetal position, rocked back and forth for a while, and cried softly into the puddle of beer that had been spilled seconds before in my exuberance when the ball flew from Leinert's hand into the endzone for a touchback. What? No call? Oh, fuck.

At least my kids came and patted me on the back, telling me it'd be okay, like they do every time when I curl up and cry.