Monday, September 10, 2007

Heisman Watch: Week 2

1) Sam Bradford: 40/48, 568 yards, 8 TDs

Bradford is the first of a couple redshirt freshmen gracing this column. He has been the best player in the country to date. He only has 8 incompletions, that’s insane. Oklahoma is one of only a couple teams to actually play real competition, so his accomplishments are even more impressive. He truly is following in Josh Heupel’s footsteps, luckily for him there is no Weinke standing between him and the Heisman, but he does have his own baseball playing QB to deal with.

2) Colt Brennan: 77/101, 964 yards, 11 TD (including 1 rushing), 1 INT

Colt, I really wish you’d stop throwing interceptions, interceptions make my dick soft. For the most part, Brennan has kept my dick hard though, hard enough to stay on this list. Sure he was only playing Louisiana Tech, a team that has never seemed to recover after their loss in the Bourbon Bowl, but his teammates aren’t exactly superstars.

3) Tiquan Underwood: 16 rec, 352 yards, 2 TD, 0 INT

Woody, Log's Blog's poster boy, showed that his week one performance was not a fluke by putting in another 100 yard receiving performance. So people might ask, “wait, where’s Ray Rice?” I’d answer their question with a question, “where was Ray Rice with 2:17 left in the game when Rutgers was already up 17 pts?” Oh, he was scoring a touchdown? Well, fuck Ray Rice, the Heisman isn’t about finding the best player in garbage time, it’s about finding the best player in the nation. His stats may fool Lee Corso, but they won’t fool me. Tiquan is invited to my Heisman party, but he isn’t welcome to bring a friend.

4) Patrick Pickney: 45/66, 521 yards, 3 TDs, 0 INTs

Most of his stats came this week against North Carolina, but he also held strong against Virginia Tech, not making mistakes and keeping his team in the game. He actually didn’t start against the Hokies, didn't play until the second quarter, East Carolina was his first start ever. In this first start, he threw for the second most yards in school history. I love this guy; he’s the next Byron Leftwich, nay, David Garrard.

5) Tashard Choice: 37 rushes, 306 yards, 4 TDs

Ray Rice should take a page out of the Tashard Choice playbook, Choice only played in the first quarter against over matched Samford, but in that quarter he ran for 100 yards and a touchdown. This is the type of performance I like to see from a Heisman hopeful. Someone needs to get this man a billboard in Times Square.

6) Graham Harrell: 92/123, 903 yards, 8 TDs, 1 INT

Brennan and Harrell are struggling to separate themselves as the best system quarterback in the country, so, for the time being, they will both stay in the rankings. I might just keep Harrell on here because I feel bad that he has to deal with his coach Mike Leach. Leach was abusing dogs before it was in vogue. When his dog peed on his tent as a child, Leach tied the dog up and pissed on it, so I can’t imagine what he does to Harrell when he throws an interception. God help him.

7) Jake “For Goodness Sake” Locker: 27/44, 335 yards, 1 TD, 1 INT … 26 rushes, 167 yards, 3 TDs

Locker might not have the passing numbers, but he’s got a Vince Young-type presence. He doesn’t lose. He’s another redshirt freshman that’s come in and taken over. He, too, has played actual competition, as Washington destroyed #22 Boise State. He really reminds me of the ASU version of Jake Plummer, if he grows a porn star mustache, I’m putting him at #1.

8) Dorien Bryant: 14 rec, 123 yards, 1 TD; 3 KO Returns, 191 yards, 1 TD

I tried to keep Bryant off this list, I thought if he didn’t get a return touchdown then he’d be gone. I just couldn’t do it though, he had over 100 yards receiving and a touchdown to go with a 40 yard kick return on his only chance. His QB, Curtis Painter, probably deserves a spot on this list, but I’m openly against Purdue quarterbacks. I had a bad experience with Kyle Orton, so I swore them off for good; the same thing happened when I got food poisoning at a Kuboto, I can no longer eat Japanese steak.

9) Dennis Dixon: 25/40, 426 yards, 5 TDs, 0 INTs

This spot will remain open for the QB facing Michigan each week. As a Braves fan, I’m extremely excited to see him excelling, Bobby Petrino must be salivating. We might have another Brian Jordan/Deion Sanders on our hands; he’d be a welcome addition to the long list of Brave Falcons (Dixon signed/played with the Atlanta Braves this summer).

10) Brian Brohm: 41/60, 776 yards, 9 TD, 0 INTs

This nomination will stand so long as I don’t hear any rumors of Brohm paying his defense to let Middle Tennessee State stay in the game. Brohm cannot be denied from a spot on this list. He’s got a gorgeous body, strong arm, and makes great decisions. I love everything about this guy, he’s a few crotch grabs away from Brady Quinn status for me.

Dropped out: James Davis, James Hardy

5 Comments:

Guy said...

Nice Waterboy reference.

BigLots said...

Is it just a universal rule that everyone with the first name Jake must have the nickname Snake?

Buzzsaw said...

It also is odd to note that every person named Jake has a serpent-like penis Lots ... and he's the same player as Jake Plummer. Maybe it was a subconscious thing, but I thought of comparing him to Plummer before giving him the nickname "The Snake" ... I'll change it, I've got a great idea, I hope it catches on, we can make shirts.

ex-WVU Chuck said...

One of your Choices stood out to me: Tashard. He's a little bitch (realizing you sound like an Atlanta fan). He's got no class, but even I can't argue with the numbers. If nothing else, he belongs on the list just for shitstomping ND.

Right on with Underwood and Locker, though. Those guys are kicking some ass so far.

Buzzsaw said...

Haha, it's actually pretty funny, I'm a huge Atlanta Braves fan, lived in ATL, but I don't like Georgia Tech. In fact, I love Notre Dame, so the shit stomping was well-noted, but unappreciated, haha.
I'm glad you agree with Underwood/Locker, we're trying to do a Heisman watch without the preconceptions, so what players did last year doesn't matter.