Wednesday, September 12, 2007

Michigan's Application to become a Cleveland Team


Cleveland teams are of a different ilk than any other sports city in the country. To qualify, three particular guidelines must be met:

  1. Excitement- This category includes when things happen, usually in the offseason, to stir us up and give us false hope. For instance, the Browns just drafted Brady Quinn and Joe Thomas. Everyone is flipping out. The Indians are pretending to be good, but I’m not going to be making plans to celebrate a World Series Crown. And the Cavs have LeBron. The night they won the lottery is one that I will not soon forget.
  2. Letdown- This criterion applies after excitement occurs. Something happens that may not even be that exciting, but it’s a letdown nonetheless. The Browns get us excited with their draft, and then lost 34-7 in the season opener to the Steelers, never actually being in the game. Maybe we should have seen that one coming though. The Indians got us excited in 2005, nearly coming back to win the Central, and then proceeded to lose something like 9 out of 11 down the stretch. This year’s results, as mentioned above, are yet to be determined. The Cavaliers actually made it to The Finals. Then they got Danza slapped.

  3. The Past- The Browns actually left us for a few years. The Drive. The Fumble. Red Right 88. That’s enough about them. The Indians were leading the Marlins going into the bottom of the 9th in 1997 in Game Seven. And lost. The Cavaliers fell victim to Michael Jordan a couple of times, most notably the shot you see on that commercial all the time.

Lather, rinse, and repeat.

So what’s my point? Everyone knows Cleveland teams suck complete ass. So we have our three professional sports, but there is no college in Cleveland that is saddled with this unfortunate luck. Ohio State is basically a Cleveland team because everyone loves them up by the lake, but I can’t accept them considering they won a National Title in the past 5 years. That’s unacceptable if you’re a Cleveland team. Come on, Buckeyes-- you’re better than that. It is interesting though, because they have recently just tackled two of the criteria (excitement- [choose one-- Ohio State basketball or football] makes National Title Game. Cue letdown. Get their asses beat by Florida). However, it’d be way too easy to give Ohio State the Cleveland label. And they definitely don't meet the third criteria, the past, because they are often called "The Luckeyes." Definitely a "no" on that one. So we’re taking applications from other colleges just for fun (primarily for football reasons; after all, ‘tis the season), and here’s what Michigan’s would probably look like, despite the clashing idea of the Wolverines being accepted by Ohioans:

  1. Excitement- Chad Henne, Mike Hart, Jake Long, Mario Manningham and everyone else that mattered from last year’s team returns for another year! Hart, Long, and Henne are specifically coming back for a National Title. Hopes are at an all-time high in Ann Arbor. It’s going to be an awesome year. Plus, we’ve got Ohio State at the Big House. We can run the table for sure!

  2. Letdown- Appalachian State comes into town for the season opener. Michigan football is finally kicking off. And then, the disaster occurs. We’re the first team to ever lose to a I-AA team while ranked. To rub salt into the wound, Oregon follows Appy State’s lead and beats the piss out us on our home field. Sadness. Despair. Anguish. Gloom. And of course, kittens.

  3. The Past- Ironically enough, lately Michigan just can’t get past Ohio State. Since Jim Tressel has been coaching the Buckeyes, the record is at 5-1 in favor of OSU. It’s a mind game between Tressel and Lloyd Carr by now. Despite the “kind of national championship” in 1997, UM has shown a history of bad luck and misfortune. This would also include being excluded from the National Championship game just last season, even though in the end, we learned that probably neither Ohio State nor Michigan should have been there. Oh well.

Good luck finding us a better application than that. That is a pretty solid resume. Maybe a couple of interviews with the AD and Carr can lock this up. We are accepting other applicants (hint to Sammich, Buzzsaw or BigLots: Notre Dame is a pretty good candidate as well).

Ann Arbor, OH. That’s an oxymoron.


4 Comments:

Nick said...

Stars from both programs (Braylon, Quinn) have a chance to completely fizzle in Cleveland. There's possibilities here.

I actually think the "But Clevelanders HATE Michigan" thing works. This is a town of self-loathing sports fans, so it would only be natural to hate one of our own teams that much.

Daris said...

lloyd will be coaching the browns in 2 years (assuming the franchise still exists)

Buzzsaw said...

ND just rid itself of Ohioan Brady Quinn, he was great, but he was the epitome of a "Cleveland Team." We're still feeling the after effects of Ohio's presence, but we hope to rid that feeling starting next year. With a guy from California at QB and a guy from Florida at RB, I think we should be safe.

Hermano said...

That is gold.

Being from Cleveland, you've outlined the epitome of Cleveland sports. Michigan football is just jealous.