I love this picture for sooo many reasons. I don't want Patrick Ewing, or this classic look, to go out of style. I don't really know what else to do with the picture other than post it, and hope it’s worth a 1,000 words.
To honor Patrick, in all of his simple sophistication, I hope to spread this picture over the vast internet plains, so that in a little over two months "The Patrick" will be in full force at Halloween parties world wide.
Such a simple, cheap costume.
Here's what you need: 1. A pillow to create the gut; unless you're already a bit of a fatty 2. A white v-neck (Hanes or Fruit of the Loom) 3. A White Whatever the hell that thing is on the top of his head (Found at gas stations) 4. Some Black/Brown paint if you're white 5. Stilts (if you take Halloween way too seriously)
I love it, I love it, I love it. Thank you Facebook and thank you Pat Ewing, Jr. for befriending me a few years ago. I'm just glad I finally looked at your photo album.
Your dad looks like he's ready to go get busy in that picture. Why else would he be so jolly?
We are less than two weeks away from the start of the college football season. Before Mark May, Lee Corso, and Lou Holtz can begin slowly terrorizing your soul and everything else you thought was right and good, I present you with the top Heisman candidates for 2007. (Beano Cook believes Jimmy Clausen will win 5 Heisman Trophies, starting this year, but he is really old and senile and smelly, so I’m going to breakdown the contenders for this years’ top college football award without his input.)
Top Quarterback Prospects:
John David Booty: His name is almost as annoying as Pete Carroll’s slow ascent to the top of the “Biggest Jackass of All Time” list, but he’s pretty good and surrounded by a butt load of Grade A talent. Booty’s numbers last year were very impressive, passing for 3,347 yards. He had a completion percentage of 61.7%, 29 TD’s, and a QB rating of 144.01. His team is ranked #1 in every preseason poll, and with the exposure the Trojans now receive on a national level, expect to see him sitting in New York for the 2007 ceremony. (Three of the last five Hesiman winners have come from Southern Cal.)
Brian Brohm: A weak Big East, a stacked Louisville offense, and a huge junior year all suggest that Brohm will be part of the 2007 chase for the Heisman. Louisville will most likely finish the season with double digit wins, and Brohm is coming off his FedEx Orange Bowl MVP award where he passed for 311 yards. He’s part of the famed, but now debunked “Derby City Duo”, which included legendary EA Sports 2006 NCAA College Football star Michael Bush. Bush is now playing in the NFL, so the newest version of the DerbyCity duo consists of Brohm and Barbaro. Hopefully Brohm, who has battled knee problems his entire career, won’t see the same fate as the now euthanasia-ended horse of Kentucky fame. (Wow, can you imagine if we put injured college football quarterbacks to sleep. Michael Vick could be looking at a new gig post-federal ass pound.)
Colt BrennAn: I don’t know much about Colt, other than the fact that I hate his name and know his parents are pompous assholes. Seriously, who names their kid Colt?
Colt has the most impressive statistics, and plays out in Hawaii, which in terms of talent is equivalent to an Idaho Pop Warner league. Accordingly, he has a chance at putting up some pretty ridiculous numbers in 2007.
His 2006 season looked like this: 5549 yards 72.6 completion % 58 Touchdowns 185.96 QB rating
He might be as overrated as Hawaiian bread, but he’s positioned himself quite well. I’m pretty sure Donny Kaczarowki, my neighborhood ”All-time QB”, didn’t ever put up stats this ridiculous over his 5 year reign at QB, so I'm thinking Colt has a chance.
Why? Well, you see Donny won our version of the Heisman every year; which I thought was unfair as I was the one catching most of his perfectly placed fades into the back of my neighbors’ pumpkin garden. Subject matter for another column I know, nonetheless, the comparison does suggest that “Baby Horse” does have a chance at garnering some Heisman support.
Top RB Prospects:
Darren McFadden: McFadden is really good. I mean really, really good. He just needs touches, and help from the rest of his team. Many top candidates fall by the waste side every year when their teams fail to perform. The Razorbacks will face a loaded SEC schedule, and winning enough games to merit Heisman consideration could be a problem. McFadden is a freak of nature, has a mom named Mini Muhammad, and drives a ridiculous car that would make Darius Miles jealous. Suffice to say, he has everything it takes to win the Heisman this year. Look at his 2006 numbers if you don’t believe me, Mini could be prophetic a few months from now if she predicts her son will win the Heisman. Hell, his ’06 numbers suggest he has a shot.
In 2006, despite a slow start due to a dislocated toe from an off the field incident at a night club in Little Rock, McFadden rushed for a school-record 1,647 yards, scored 14 touchdowns, and threw for 3 more touchdowns on just 9 passing attempts, becoming a first-team All-American.
McFadden is a pimp. I’d say he was the favorite, but he has an Irish last name and is black. This annoys me to no end, so I’m not giving it to him just yet.
Steve Slaton: Slaton is a pussy. He pulled the “I hurt my arm” injury after turning into a big ole’ fumble fest at Louisville last year. I was so pissed at his bitch out because it cost WV any shot of winning that game. They would have been lined up for a BCS game if they pulled it out. I’m not a WV fan, but I hate it when people pull Kobe’s after they mess up in life; to me there is nothing more annoying.
I have to include him on the list though, because the Mountaineer backfield is tops in the country, and with Pat White’s help, I can see the duo tag teaming the weak Big East; both literally and figuratively. Not since the days of “Famous” Amos Zereoue have hopes been so high for a WV Heisman candidate. But Amos finished 10th in Hesiman votes following his 97’ campaign, so Slaton better hope his ’07 season is better than Amos’ garbage nickname, or he’ll be an afterthought.
Michael Hart: My Michgan bias comes out here in full force, but Hart has the tools, and the offense to back up a Heisman run. He has been one of the most underrated players in college football the last few years, and is it just me, or does it seem like he’s been at Michigan forever? As long as Henne doesn’t fuck up too bad, and the rest of the offense remains healthy, Hart might be sitting in New York. Hart, unlike Lloyd Carr at times, has a grip on what he’s doing. He’s never lost a fumble in 3 years at Michigan. There needs to be some type of award giving out for that.
His 2006 season looked like this: 1562 yds 4.9 yards per carry 14 Tds
Top Wide Receiver Prospects:
De Sean Jackson: De Sean is fast as shit. His 40 time has been clocked at 4.29. He is a threat every time he touches the ball, and other teams in the PAC 10 should be very afraid. I don’t know why he’s not playing at USC. I was under the assumption that every freak of nature west of the Mississipi went there. Cal should compete this year for a PAC 10 title, and with a little more recognition, this guy could sneak up on some people.
Check out this little ditty about his 06’ Season:
Coming into his sophomore year with high expectations, Jackson displayed more of his talent and playmaking ability tallying 1,060 receiving yards and nine touchdowns. He was also a constant threat to return any opponent punt into a highlight reel touchdown, taking four returns for a score and averaging 19.2 yards per a punt return - best in the nation. He was voted All Pac-10 first team as both a punt returner and a wide receiver. Jackson also garnered national recognition with selections to first team All-America
If you still don’t believe the hype, check out this clip and judge for yourself:
Mario Manningham: Last, but certainly not least, is my boy Mario Manningham. He showed flashes of brilliance last year, including the ND anal rapping, and his numbers are a little misleading because he injured himself in that ND game. He’s actually most known for his game winning catch against PennState that prevented Joe Pa from playing for a national championship, but he was huge in ’06. As mentioned already, Michigan returns their entire offense, and as long as Chad Henne doesn’t make me stop believing in God, Mario should have a monster year. He was receiving double and triple team coverage last year, and still wasn’t able to be stopped.
Here are some states from ’06 (He only played in 9 games): 38 Receptions 703 yards 18.5 yards per catch 9 Touchdowns
Here are some of the beats he has laid on DB’s across the Midwest:
So there you have it folks. I look forward to the comments. Beano Cook, I am coming for your old ass with Ron Pawlus, who seeks reparations.
As everyone already knows, Michael Vick has agreed to a plea deal which will send him to jail for over a year, but Vick won’t be going to jail alone. While he may be losing the respect of all his peers, Vick’s got one friend that will never leave him, Ron Mexico, aka his herpes.
Herpes is a lot like that embarrassing (and itchy) friend that you avoid as much as possible. Even though you don’t like them you know that, when shit goes down, they’ve got your back. Vick’s always been embarrassed of his herpes, he used to keep it a secret. Back in 2003, for example, when he didn’t tell his friend Sonya about it before he sexed her. Now that he’s in trouble, with no one else to turn to, Vick will be telling everyone about Ron. Like when he meets his roommate, I bet it’s the first thing they talk about. Vick’s speed won’t help him avoid being penetrated in a small cell, herpes is the only thing that can save his anal virginity.
Sure, there’s gotta be a large portion of the prison population that won’t be deterred by an STD, especially those who’ve already been tainted or those with life sentences. If I had a life sentence, I’d be sticking my dick everywhere, electrical outlets, mashed potatoes, who gives a shit? You’re dying there anyway, might as well figure out how every vegetable makes your penis feel. Vick should be alright with the average prisoner, but would be wise to avoid the D-Block.
The other burning question doesn’t involve herpes at all, it’s asking what Vick will do after his release from prison. The Monday Night Countdown guys seem to think he’ll make it back to the league, but I’m not so sure. The NFL’s rules would be pretty out of whack if they don’t allow a guy with a drug problem in Ricky Williams to play, the most peaceful player in the league, but allow a guy with a dog fighting problem back in. So I’m going to guess that Vick will be playing football after jail, but, like Ricky, it will be a little further North in the land of the misfit football players, aka the CFL.
When he gets released, the CFL will never be the same, Vick will surely break records and win championships. The CFL field is about 12 yards wider than an NFL field making it even easier for Vick to dominate (albeit there are 12 players on each side).But why stop at the CFL, the entire country of Canada will be changed, have you ever seen a moose fight? It will fuck you up.I’m not kidding, they’ve got gigantic antlers that get stuck in inappropriate places, they lose control of their bowels when they fight, shit is flying everywhere … it’s a disgusting sight. His impact on Canada should rival that of Doug Flutie and his Flutie Flakes.
This will be my last Vick article for a long, long time.He and Lindsey Lohan’s imminent prison stays are going to make my head explode.
There’s nothing like throwback-style Nickelodeon talk. I bet you haven’t heard the name “Donkey Lips” in years. If Salute Your Shorts were still around, he would be having some problems:
Nickelodeon, the children’s television network, said Wednesday that it would prohibit the use of its characters on junk food products, except on special occasions like Halloween. The characters include SpongeBob SquarePants, Dora the Explorer and the Rugrats.
Those characters will be allowed to appear only on packaged food products that meet “better for you” criteria established by Nickelodeon’s marketing clients. The changes will become effective in 2009, when the current two-year licensing agreements expire.
“Better for you” food criteria? I’m pretty sure Lori Beth Denberg has woken up in a cold sweat because of a celery, spinach, and broccoli nightmare. The next thing you know, Nickelodeon is going to start monitoring these kids’ diets and exercise patterns. With less junk food commercials, at least the amount of “what should I do with my 140-lb. four year-old” Montels might slowly decline in numbers.
Since characters such as Donkey Lips, Lori Beth, and Keenan have since grown out of their Nickelodeon roles, I feel the worst for Patrick from SpongeBob. I wouldn’t be surprised to see the writers kill him off of the show before ’09.
Yes, the rumors are true. I am in Europe. The metric system is fucking hard. So is the fact that no one speaks English, or least they pretend not to. I haven’t seen any especially hairy chicks, but I did go to the beach and there were topless women with gross saggy boobs. Other than that everything is great. Yesterday I found a British pub called Mr. Pickwick’s where they spoke English and had the Liverpool-Chelsea game on T.V. We grabbed some pints of Guiness and sat down to watch the game, err, match. It was the home debut of Liverpool’s biggest offseason signing, Fernando Torres, and he did not disappoint. In the 16th minute he took a long pass from Gerrard down the left side against one of Chelsea’s new signings, defender Tal Ben Haim. Keeping the ball on his right foot he somehow squeezed it between the defender and the oncoming Petr Cech, banking it off the far post into the net.
But Torres’ goal was wasted after Lampard converted the penalty on a very questionable call. Moral of this story: Torres is the next Henry and, as always, Chelsea = douches.
So that’s basically the extent of the sports I’ve seen while I’ve been over here. Hopefully it’ll get better once I get more used to things. I just wanted to say thanks to the other contributors for doing such a great job and picking up the slack. Expect BigLots of course.
Ok, I'm not a huge soccer fan, but this is one of the funniest things I've ever seen. The USA and MLS have it all wrong bringing Beckham over to increase soccer awareness in the States. They need to get a hot, naked blonde chick with an insanely powerful and accurate right foot.
I seriously couldn't believe my eyes when I watched this. She strikes a perfect shot, and the goalie looks shocked after he doesn't stop it.
Watch this a few times to get the full effect. Think about it, a hot blonde streaker takes a pass, scores a goal, then celebrates like its no big deal.
Ok, the whole thing is supposedly part of an MTV Europe commerical that tries to prevent prostitution at the World Cup, but I didn't know that until I tried to find out when it happened. I still haven't verified that, and the uniforms being worn in the MTV commerical are different than those seen in the above clip. I'll try to figure it out, but either way, it's very funny.
I've figured out a way to edit pictures on my computer, and now, I can create my own version of the "With Leather T-Shirt" if I say something ridiculous over the next couple of months. I'm thinking "Shes' with Oreo". Has a nice ring, doesn't it? (I promise thats my last race related joke until after labor day.)
I don’t know where the party is now, but I do know where the party was on Saturday night … right here. My apartment was the place to be. You see, I don’t like ‘casual drinking’; I don’t understand it. I’m not gonna act like I enjoy the taste of beer, but I will admit to enjoying its affect on me. So, I look for the quickest possible way to feel that. On Saturday night, the quickest way involved Michael Vick’s indictment.I’ve always wanted to read it, so I could make my own judgments. I don’t feel comfortable letting ESPN’s talking heads make my judgments for me.The only way I thought I could get myself to read the transcript was to make the best drinking game ever, the Mike Vick Indictment Drinking Game. I’m working on a better title.Here are the rules:
One Drink per word = DOG, KILL, BURY, PIT BULL, VIRGINIA
Three Drinks = BAD NEWZ KENNELS, ANY NICKNAME (minus Ookie)
Five Drinks = OOKIE, DOG NAMES, HANGING
Ten Drinks = ELECTROCUTE, DROWN, SUFFOCATE
Legend: One Drink = One second or one shot of beer
I made a large miscalculation on my drinking ability before this game. I thought it’d be pretty badass to do a power hour before the Ookie Pokie (not a good name, still working on it) … bad idea, and as you’ll soon see this game, like its namesake, is an ice cold killer.
The stats break down like this.The first page is only one paragraph, but it included ten seconds worth of drinking. This was difficult for me, after the power hour, but I was still holding strong. I was pretty drunk at this point, the best part of which was how funny dog killing became.It was also a better indication of Vick’s state of mind when he was actually killing these dogs; I’m starting to really understand him.People always kill dogs when they’re drunk.
Page two gave us a nice breather, it was only ten seconds of drinking. At this point it became difficult for me to read and I was laughing at the end of every sentence. Page three was also kind of short, but there was twelve seconds of drinking. It really set me up for a bad page four, aka, the puke page.
First of all, I’d like to let you know what was happening in my apartment. There were only two guys playing this game, there were about four girls sitting around that were completely disgusted with the whole thing especially the indictment which they had never heard about. Visually, these girls were barely legal but pretty hot.
Page four consisted of thirty-three seconds of drinking; I’m not going to act like I finished all of these seconds. About half way through, in front of all of these sober people, I threw up in my mouth, tried to hold it in, but it came out of my nose. It was the most disgusting/painful experience my face has, um, faced in quite a while. My nose is still burning from the experience, my reputation, irreparably damaged.So, in summary, don’t mess with Vick … period.It was like “The Ring” or something. Through the game he was trying to kill me. He was somehow trying to drown me using my own puke. People of Virginia, if you’re reading this, lock his ass up, PLEASE.
Growing up, my dad always told me he was pretty good at basketball. Time and time again, he'd remind me that I got my decent skills from him. He said he played a long, long time ago, somewhere in Hawaii. I didn't believe him. He didn't seem like the athletic type, but I guess ABC News dug up some video of him playing. I couldn't believe my eyes, but he's a lefty just like me, so I guess I have to believe him.
Who Am I talking about?: Here's a Hint
Here is Dad playing basketball. He actually was kind of a baller, but he could have dunked that breakaway. I would have.
I'd like to thank Jay Morris, who sent me a random text not too long ago that said "You look like Obama." Thanks to Fanhouse as well for the story. You've finally proven my pops true after all these years.
Don't believe I look like OBama, well here's the best I could do. I see it.
He's always traveling, never has time for me, and really hasn't taken any interest in my personal life. Bastard.
