Tis the Halloween season and the costumes are out, as usual. The typical college male is on the prowl and making a fool of himself. To cut the suspense, lets just get right down to it.
"I'm huge and looking to show off the bod" Guy
This is the guy thats wearing the tight muscle shirt and is pushing you out of the way while he's trying to get to the keg. He most likely looked at himself in the mirror, checking out his package in his speedo, before he gained the self esteem to come out in public with it on. Favorite quote: "Hey ladies, check out my pecks."
"Athlete wearing their own jersey" Guy
We get it. You play a varsity sport at a college or high school. Congrats, man. The least you could do is show off the huge bod like "I'm huge and looking to show off the bod" Guy. Dick. Favorite quote: "I play sports in case you didn't know."
"Dude where's your costume?" Guy
So there are some people that don't sport the costume at the bar. Whatever. They don't need the asshole in his shitty Boston Red Sox cap and David Ortiz jersey shirt asking "Hey man why didn't you dress up? I'm Big Papi tonight, and you're just a bum!"
"Guy that dresses up like the person that he intrinsically wants to be" Guy
Maybe a tough concept for you blog readers, but stick with us. Think about the wigger that has always wanted to dress like a black man, but has never been able to do it in a social setting. Tonight is his night to wear an Allen Iverson jersey with only one shoulder being covered with the AI sleeve, and a teardrop drawn in black Sharpie under his left cheekbone. In turn, all of the black innuendos that he has wanted to pursue come out tonight-- it's finally acceptable. Favorite quote: "Wassup dawg?"
"Way too cool to dress up" Guy
These guys sit in the corner and make fun of all the assholes that we just described. Rightfully so? Maybe. But hey, it's Halloween. You're supposed to make a jackass out of yourself.
It's November 1st by the time of this posting. Better late than never.
Thursday, November 1, 2007
Guy's Favorite Guys (Vol. 3, Halloween Edition; Special Guest Co-contributor-- Le Cheff)
Friday, October 26, 2007
The Contest
Due to the fact that Buzzsaw was at the Virginia Tech debacle last night (Boston College is trash), I'm filling in for him and posting this week's picks. It's time to update the standings first though.
Standings
BigLots 26-14
Guy 22-18
Sammich 16-23-1
Buzzsaw 13-23-4
To sum it up, I'm awesome and Buzzsaw will be taking an entire beer up the butt shortly.
Onto the picks:
BigLots:
West Virgina/Rutgers Under 57
Houston/UTEP Over 74
South Florida -4.5 @ UCONN
Tampa Bay -3.5 vs. Jacksonville
NY Giants -9.5 @ Miami
Buzzsaw:
Iowa +3 v MSU
Ohio St -3.5 v Penn State
Minnesota +23 v Michigan
Redskins +16.5 v Patriots
Dolphins +9.5 v Giants
**BONUS** Bye pk v Notre Dame
Guy:
UConn +4.5 @ USF
Washington St +5.5 v UCLA
Oregon -3 v USC
Miami +9.5 v NYG in London
Carolina +6.5 v Indianapolis
Sammich:
Vanderbilt -13.5 v Miami (OH)
Ohio State -3.5 @ Penn State
Michigan -23 v Minnesota
New York Giants -9.5 v Miami in London
St Louis -3 v Cleveland
Things That Suck:
I've been in Germany the past week and haven't had access to a computer except to watch the Red Sox but sent me this article so here it is. Enjoy.
My Life:
I try to get things accomplished and end up writing 2 page blog articles. People tell me no when I offer to give them stuff for free. My favorite season, fall, is now 1 week long. It goes from 85 to 50 degrees over the course of three days. I'm down, and have decided I want to be a dog. As I sit next to my sister's dog, Boozer, who has been sleeping peacefully for the better part of two hours, my jealousy grows stronger and more steadfast
The dog doesn't do anything all day. He sleeps, walks around, chews on a bone, and whines when no one plays with him. People watch when he is going to the bathroom, which kind of sucks, but I'd let someone put a leash on me and take me outside to drop my deuce in a heartbeat if it came along with all of the perks of being a dog. No responsibilities of any kind exist for this thing, and he's the biggest asshole in the world. Doesn't have to wipe after shits, farts whenever he feels like it (yep, he just ripped one in his sleep and didn't even notice), and gets to bark (the dog form of yelling at people) whenever he is unhappy. Oh, and if he rolls over, he gets a treat. If I roll over, it probably means my apartment is burning to the ground.
His life seems so simple. Throw in a couple prescription pills, some bottles of bud light, and the ability to bet on the occasional sporting event, and I would accept any offer to become a dog.
The World Series:
After the Red Sox route yesterday, I am beginning to think this World Series is going to be as boring as the others we've seen over the last few years. World Series years '04 and '05 produced little excitement as both were four game sweeps (that is unless you're a fan of red or white sox), and '06 wasn't much better unless you enjoyed watching a Quad A team destroy the offensively challenged Detroit Tigers. The Red Sox seem to be playing on a whole different level since going down 3-1 to the Indians. They have dominated every game, and I don't see too much changing. I could end up looking like an idiot if the Rockies make this thing close (which would be ok because I make myself look like an idiot at least 15 times a week), but I don't see it happening.
Byron Leftwich's Legs:
He is officially the Barbaro of the NFL. The only time you see him is as he crumbles to the ground in agony. His ankles are made of plate-glass. He should be taken out back and put to sleep. I've faded the Jaguars for a long time, and was looking forward to fading the Falcons, so I'm kind of pissed, but whatever, I can't talk about gambling on this siteL
Notre Dame Football:
I've been to almost every home game, and I've left with a bitter taste in my mouth each and every time. My highlights of the ND home game weekends include strippers, explaining the meaning of the word FUPA to my Grandma after I told her Charlie Weis had one, and Jay Morris getting kicked out of the Backer for taking off his pants. Notice none of those highlights include an ND win or anything that would make me think they had a chance against any team that's not playing in wheelchairs. Moreover, the entire college football season has been a letdown on some level.
The Colt/Pats and Manning/Brady Comparisons:
I hope no one else watched the MNF game between the Colts and the Jaguars. Tony Kornheiser didn't go more than 5 minutes before comparing the two teams or the two quarterbacks. It got so ridiculous that I contemplated shutting the game off about 15 times, and would have if I didn't have a little cash on it. Unfortunately, I now hate Kornheiser. I've noticed he can't go more than a few minutes without making some ludicrous comparison that means absolutely nothing. Manning or Brady? Here's your answer Tony; I don't give a shit. They are both sweet. Stop making Ron Jorowski flip coins to decide which one he'd take if he had to start a team. I suggest you take Smarty Joines advice and refrain from watching ESPN for at least a week before the Pats/Colts game that's coming up. They will drive this story into the ground like it's the Super Bowl. (Oh, and I'm willing to lay some serious cash on a bet that involves the Patriots and whether or not they'll go undefeated. It won't happen.)
My Fantasy Teams:
Wow, I have been pretty pitiful. I haven't updated my roster in about 3 weeks. It all started after I took a massive beat in Joines' league. I was up about 35 points to Smarty with only the 2nd half of the MNF game between the Bears and Cowboys remaining. We had shut off the game to start a new episode of Curb (which is absolutely awesome this year and doesn't suck at all.) He called me the next day to tell me Marion Barber picked up his usual garbage second half points and that he had won. I nearly fainted on the phone, felt defeated, and have since vowed to quit all together. I'm really good at quitting things when I get far behind.
My addiction to chew:
Just sad. E'snuff said. (sorry that was stupid and gayish.)
Those are the things, off the top of my head, which suck really, really bad. Goodbye for now.
Tuesday, October 23, 2007
Just Checking In
I don't have much to say about the ALCS. Except, damn. That was pretty cruel. Any true Ohio fan knows that our Buckeyes are going down to Penn State in Happy Valley on Saturday and that the Rams are taking the Browns behind the woodshed for their first win of the season. After all, when it rains, it pours. That's just how it goes sometimes. I would also like to apologize on behalf of the Indians for denying all of you fans of another Bridesmaid article. I know you were all very excited.
Saturday, October 20, 2007
My New Haircut
I just want to make sure that everyone has seen this video. I mean according to Youtube nearly three million people have, but I figured maybe I could touch one more life by introducing this to you. I don't really like italians, at all. I guess these types of people are called guidos in New York. Wop, Dago, guinea, meatball, I-ties, whatever they are all the same to me. They all love to flaunt the fact that their ancestors that they never knew were from Italy. Another common characteristic is the 5'6" italian with short man syndrome. Common side effects include roid rage, constant need to start shit, dillusion that they are a hardass, and a rash that forms the boot of italy with the country's flag waving through it (aka a tattoo). Usually this rash is seen on the back shoulder or "bicep" but the worst I've ever seen is on the calf. The best ailment for this disease is the constant consumption of pasta and meatballs for the anger and a bath in marinara sauce to get rid of the rash. Scientists are currently looking for a treatment that involves the high percentage of random Yankees fans linked to italian heritage, but are yet to find any results. Oh yea, here's the video.
Friday, October 19, 2007
God Tried
The rumor that Pete Carroll is actually Satan himself was proved to be true on Thursday. On the team's flight from the gay beaches of socal to the land of Jesus, their plane had an "unexpected" freefall right before landing. The pilot had this to say,"I saw the hand of God coming at us but there was no time to make a drastic movement. God himself was pushing our plane downward into the ground and I immediately apologized for cheating of my wife with that hooker of a stewardess. I could then regain control of the plane and I landed it safely." Another witness aboard the plane who would like to remain confidential (Matt Sanchez) saw things from the cabin area. "It all happened so fast. I was sitting next to Coach Carroll and he stood up very calmly, his eyes were bloodshot red and his fingertips were on fire. I saw a bright flash of red and yellow and the next thing I know the plane was back to normal again." This brings out the fact that Pete Carroll is in fact the devil himself and is better and stronger than God. We are fucked.
Unfortunately, no major injuries (death) were sustained during the Jesus drop (which makes me think.... there also needs to be some kind of amusement park ride titled that. I would ride it, you would to). However defensive end Lawrence Jackson had to seek medical help because he jammed a popsicle stick into the roof of his mouth during the drop. Once again, Jackson actually stabbed himself with a popsicle stick. How he got one on the plane.. I don't know, but he is in fact retarded. There were reports of safety Taylor "The Pussy" Mays screaming like a little girl during the demon drop and is now seeking to transfer because even John David Booty called him a woman. The only other major accident on the plane happened in the cargo hold where this year's Trojan warrior accidentally stabbed his horse and pierced its' heart. The horse died instantly and even USC fans are thankful there will no longer be a douche on a pony.
So God tried but Pete Carroll is now more powerful. When he went to take care of God it was 4th and 33 with 2 minutes to go and his team was already up by five scores. He decided to run a fake punt and God didn't see it coming causing his right hand to collapse and Pete found the end zone easily.
Tomorrow Notre Dame will be wearing the throwback uniforms to honor the 1977 national champion team. They need to do this to remind fans that Notre Dame was, in fact, good at one time. The uniforms are hideous Notre Dame will be outscored by more than the over which is 45 or something up there. Jimmy Clausen was not available to comment because he was blowing spit bubbles and pretending to be Casey. However Sam Young was disappointed when he heard about the plane scare saying "We were so close to a forfeit victory over those assholes."
Weekend Sports Betting Preview
This week's edition will not be a preview, rather, a list of our picks. If you don't like it, then you can suck my balls ... it was my birthday last night, I'm out of it. Let's bully:
Buzzsaw
UVA +4 v Maryland
Washington +13 v Oregon
Miami FL +5 v FSU
Redskins/Cardinals Over 36
Bears +5.5 v Eagles
Sammich
Miami OH -5.5 @ Temple
USC/ND Over 45
Ohio/Toldeo Under 63.5
Minnesota +9.5 @ Dallas
San Fran +9.5 @ NYG
Guy
Kentucky +6.5 v Florida
Notre Dame +17 v USC
Michigan -1 @ Illinois
Detroit -1 v Tampa Bay
Jacksonville +3 v Indianapolis
Big Lots
Nebraska/TAMU Under 60
Cal/UCLA Under 55
Auburn/LSU Over 42.5
Oakland -1
Dallas -9.5
Thursday, October 18, 2007
Rutgers is Gay
I wonder why Rutgers fans thought it would be necessary to rush the field. They just beat the most overrated team in college football history. I guess that's just Big East football at its finest. They need to get excited about one terrible team beating another terrible team. Remember that time Cincinnati was ranked? That was a good joke. Actually the rankings are just a joke. I wish the voters had testicles so they could put the best teams in the top ten instead of thinking "Oh well they haven't lost yet even though they play Turd U. every week."
If TOSU ever played a team ranked above 56 they might lose, but they have the 78th hardest schedule so I don't foresee this happening. This means I get to endure yet another year of "Like, OMG that one ohio team is playing in an important game, do you wanna like... act like we like them so guys think we are cool? I mean we are supposed to like them right? We are from Ohio it's only like what we are supposed to like.... do right? Let's buy matching jerseys! That would be so cute! And we can like wear them around and pretend we are fans and do that cool OH-IO chant. We can totally fit in. This is going to be the best night of my life." Andddd you don't even know what a first down is, god I hate ohio. As long as LSU plays Oklahoma in a bowl game then that will be fine and I will declare the winner of that the true champion.
Kansas is "undefeated" as well. I can name negative three players on the Jayhawks roster, but if I had to guess one I'd say Nick Collison.
Top 10
1) LSU
2) Oklahoma
3) TOSU
4) Kentucky
5) BC
6) Oregon
7) Socar
8) Florida
9) USC
10) Notre Dame
107-114) Big East
Tuesday, October 16, 2007
Coach Joe Smooth
The following article was written by special guest writer Sockless Dilemma. While I thoroughly enjoyed it I take absolutely no responsibility for it.
Eric Schnupp, Baylor’s offensive line coach was issued a citation at 2:20am at Scruffy Murphy’s Pub (I swear that’s the actual name) for apparently whipping his junk out and urinating on the bar. Evidently workers at the establishment saw Coach Schnupp standing in a mysterious puddle of urine with no one else around. The citation was a class C misdemeanor plus a $258 fine….. But instant drunken gratification….priceless.
I can just imagine what Coach Schnupp was thinking as the night went on…
10pm: Man I’m kinda horny tonight…Maybe I should stroll down to Scruffy Murphs and try to pull some ass…These SportsCenter reruns are getting fucking old…Hmmmmm but I’m all by myself & I have nobody to go out with…Fuck it, I use to pull so much ass back when I was banging at Miami it ain’t gonna matter who I’m with…God, my dick’s getting hard just thinking about it. Alright I’ll go scope out the talent level at Scruffs for just an hour.
10:30pm: Holy shit I look so hot tonight. Man look at all the pussy up in this mother fucker….I bet everyone recognizes me…I’m the offensive line coach at Baylor! Those chicks sitting at the table look so hot...I’m gonna have to work up a solid buzz before I approach those hotties. Bartender get me a tall boy & a couple shots of Jack. I’m so getting laid tonight!
11:30pm: Oh baby you’re soo sexy. I can’t believe I’m talking to this 21 yr old fitness major. I dare you to come back to my house with me tonight. I’m gonna tear it up!! I bet this girl is a freak…I need to order like 4 more Jager bombs…
12:30am: How did I get in this predicament? I went from talking to this fine ass personal trainer to be & now I’m making out with this fat chick in the corner of the bar. Wait maybe she isn’t so bad…N/m. I must be fucking drunk to even question if this chick is fat. Oh well nobody has to know. My boyz from
1:53am: I’m at the end of the bar all by myself. I think people are leaving for some reason. The room is spinning. People are sweeping the floors…What’s going on around here? I thought this was a bar for Christ sake. Uh oh I have to take a fatty piss. Mmmkay nobodies looking…..nobodies looking…Oh my god it’s stinging soo bad. That’s it…Little Eric’s coming out to relieve some tension! Ooohh god that feels so good. Jesus I’m peeing on myself right now & I don’t even care. This feels like that one time I was at this frat in Miami my freshman year. That was so tight. Wow I’m still going……..Fuck there’s a cop looking right at me. He’s coming toward me. Oh lord what do I do? I have urine all over me.. I’m standing in a puddle of my own piss…..Utter denial is the only approach to take. I used to play ball at
I know the saying about making assumptions, but I like my version.
ND Ranked in Top-20 of Computer Poll
I’ve been in a blog coma lately, nothing excited me enough to make a post, until now. What could possibly be so earth shattering to motivate me out of my pleasant state of sloth? The BCS, obviously.
There is almost too much to complain about with the present system in the NCAA. How can the human polls unanimously rank
My love affair with the computer polls ended this week; however, when Jeff Sagarin made me look like a fool by ranking ND #18 in his latest poll. Sagarin’s rankings are 1/6 of the composite computer rankings which account for 1/3 of a team’s BCS rating. Here are Sagarin’s most recent rankings:
2) LSU
3)
4)
5)
6)
7)
8)
9)
10) Virginia Tech
11)
12)
13)
14)
15)
16)
17)
18)
19)
20)
Despite the insanity of this ranking, I think Sagarin might get too much blame for this atrocity. Since the BCS has taken out the “margin of victory” component from its equation, the rankings Sagarin submits have become a disaster while his actual rankings are pretty normal (which includes margin of victory). Which begs the question, should the BCS keep Sagarins rankings in their formula? Or, is encouraging a team to run up the score worse than having
