Tuesday, August 7, 2007

Digger: Highlighting a Fool

Digger Phelps is a South Bend, IN. legend. I remember going to Martin’s Supermarket with my grandma one late fall night a long, long time ago and spotting Digger. My grandma told me “that’s the basketball coach at Notre Dame”, but she didn’t have to say it. I mean, of course I knew who he was. The grocery store was about 5 minutes from Notre Dame’s campus, and Digger was decked out in ND workout gear rifling through the snack aisle like the store was going out of business. It was late and Digger was hungry. He was out of there before we even had time to blink. Sadly, that was the best chance I would have at getting the famed coach’s autograph. He became a laughing stock in his final years at ND, and was replaced by John McCloud, who shockingly, made an even bigger ass of himself. After he was booted from ND, Digger dropped of the Notre Dame map for a long time, and he became an afterthought.

Digger’s efforts in South Bend, IN and across the rest of the county since his coaching days are rather impressive. He’s worked with the United Nations, helped victims of Katrina, and worked with the local government in South Bend to improve education and pass youth initiatives. He’s a philanthropist. Good for him.

However, no amount of generosity can make up for what he’s done on the ESPN sets. I can get past his ridiculous commentary on ESPN’s new basketball version of College Game Day. Him, Dick Vitale, and Jay Bilas make my heart hurt soo bad, but all I have to do is change the channel. However, I cannot get past one thing, and it eats at me every time I see him on ESPN. I cuss, scream, and leave the room with high blood pressure. What is it you ask? His color coordinating of highlighters and ties!

The first time I saw Digger with a bright green highlighter in his hand while wearing a bright green tie, I thought it was an accident. The next time, it was the pink highlighter with the pink tie. Still, maybe it was just a coincidence. The orange and orange finally did it, and I realized he was color coordinating. Digger, why in the hell do you need a highlighter? You’re not studying for a history test. It’s probably the most obnoxious, smug, and idiotic thing of all time.

I was reading through the South Bend Tribune, as I do occasionally to remind myself just how ridiculous my old stomping grounds are, and I found an article about Digger . He’s written a book titled, ‘The Undertaker’s Son”. Pretty self-explanatory, but his Game Plan for Life really caught my eye.

Below are three of his most powerful messages:

1.Music Is Like Pizza: Pick Musical toppings to suit your taste and mellow out to beat stress.
What in the hell does that mean?

2. Always Have A Backup:
The best game plans don't prevent setbacks. Have alternatives.

Now, that almost seems like some advice he’s followed in life. Many of his game plans were ineffective at preventing setbacks, only he never had good alternatives.

Be Color Blind: Racism is wrong morally and an obstacle economically in global competition.

Digger, take some of your own advice and stop coordinating highlighters and suit ties. You might have a small chance of pulling it off if your suits weren’t 2 for 1 specials from S&K’s Menswear. Believe it or not, you aren’t a local pimp.

I can’t wait to see where this one finishes on the top seller list. Ya, I’m going to take advice from a man who color coordinates highlighters and ties. Good one.



Buzzsaw said...

I always thought music was more like a taco

Guy said...

I always thought music was more like music. I'm a simple guy.

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