The Longest Post Ever

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Ohio: Adding a Few More Bridesmaids' Gowns to the Closet

This past weekend marked yet another rough set of championship games for Ohio.

First-- Saturday, DIII NCAA Football powerhouse Mount Union College Purple Raiders, located in Alliance, Ohio, went down to Wisconsin Whitewater in the DIII National Championship game in Salem, Virginia. This marked the third consecutive year of the same matchup for the Championship, but the first time that Mount Union lost. Being a native of Alliance, I realize that as the fans may be spoiled with multiple recent championships, they are still Ohio residents. Ohio residents that have gone through multiple runner-up bids over the past calendar year. Not to mention, the Purple Raiders were found at just around minus-20 in Vegas casinos leading up to the game.

Then, Sunday, Ohio State lost its third championship game of the year. This time in soccer. After taking a 1-0 lead early in the championship against Wake Forest, Ohio State fell 2-1.

Let's recap the Ohio bridesmaids:

1. NCAAFB (DI)- Ohio State Football Buckeyes (January)
2. NCAABB- Ohio State Basketball Buckeyes (early April)
3. NBA- Cleveland Cavaliers (June)
4. AFL- Columbus Destroyers (July)
5. NCAAFB (DIII)- Mount Union College Purple Raiders (December)
6. NCAA Soccer- Ohio State Buckeyes (December)

You really can't make this stuff up. I dread the possibilities this coming January 7th, as our Football Buckeyes take on the Bayou Bengals.

BCS Bowl Projections

This is funny. OSU in the Title game again. The BCS loves Columbus. Oh, and by the way, all of the luck in Ohio sports funnels right to the capital. Shocking stuff, but I love it.

Anyway,

National Championship Game-- OSU vs LSU

Let the Les Miles dick sucking party begin. Oh and to everyone that hates OSU (sammich, I'm looking at you), who else should be there? I'm not saying they deserve it-- in fact, no one really deserves it. They should almost consider canceling the game.

Rose Bowl-- USC vs Illinois

USC is tied in with the Pac-10 Championship, and the Rose gets the first replacement pick since OSU is #1. I say they take Illinois for tradition's sake. They like that in Pasadena.

Sugar Bowl-- Georgia vs Hawaii

The Sugar gets the second replacement pick. I say they take Georgia. They also get the last pick and get beated with Colt Brennan.

Orange Bowl-- Virginia Tech vs Kansas

The Orange takes the ACC champion, and gets the first pick after replacements are made. Kansas is the pick here. If they took West Virginia, the Fiesta would end up with Big 12 vs Big 12. Not allowed

Fiesta Bowl-- Oklahoma vs West Virginia

Oklahoma is tied in with the Big 12 spot. West Virginia. Whatever.

How many of these will you watch? I'll watch the Rose and the NCG I guess. Maybe Fiesta? We've become too spoiled with great college teams to watch every year (USC with Leinart and Bush, Vince Young, those awesome Miami teams). Now we're upset because no one is dominating. Oh well. We'll check back after the results come out in ten minutes. Eh, probably not.

Santana Sweepstakes, Etc.

I know, I know, most of you probably thought this site was dead. Well, you're probably right. What can I say, we've been busy. The only thing that's kept me from announcing the end of the blog is that there's really no reason to shut it down considering its free. So we'll probably keep posting things when we get the chance and maybe people could check it once a week or something like that until we can get this thing going again (big if).

Anyway, I wanted to say a few things about a few things instead of studying for my finals. First off, the Yankees and Red Sox are in yet another bidding war that exemplifies why most people hate them. But the argument, at least from my perspective, is that you can't be that critical of them because they've both worked pretty hard to put themselves in this position. Its a far cry from the Yankees teams of the late nineties who threw money around hapazardly like they were Lil Wayne at the Gold Club. Both teams are in the position to make solid offers for Santana and still leave their farm systems in pretty good condition. In the case of the Red Sox they can actually deal two players because they have an overabundance of talent. Ellsbuy is blocked in CF by Crisp and SS Jed Lowrie is blocked by Julio Lugo and Dustin Pedroia.

So who is going to get Santana in the end? The Yankees have announced that they are offering Phil Hughes to go along with Melky Cabrera and a third mid to high level prospect. The Red Sox were offering Jon Lester, Coco Crisp, Lowrie and a fourth prospect but have decided add Ellsbury instead of Crisp and remove Lester from the equation. I'm assuming that any change in the Red Sox offer at this point would have to make it at least equal to the Yankees offer if not better, otherwise why make it? The Yankees cannot upgrade much more since they have already said they will not include Joba Chamberlain or Ian Kennedy under any circumstances, so the question is really who do the Twins prefer: Ellsbury or Hughes? My opinion is that they would prefer Hughes since good pitching is harder to come by and there are some other CF options still out there (Aaron Rowand, Andruw Jones, etc.). But the Red Sox have already decided they can part with Jon Lester since he was offered in the original package, so my guess is that they will be forced to give him up too if they want to land Santana. While that would be a pretty steep price, especially knowing Santana will demand something around $140 million over six years, a rotation of Santana, Beckett, Matzusaka, Schilling, and Buchholz is something that should be too good to pass up.
Let the hating continue.


I also wanted to brag a little bit about Xavier basketball. In case you didn't know we're ranked 23 and 25 in the AP and Coach's poll respectively. Our average margin of victory is 25 points and we have six players averaging double figures. Let me say that again...six players averaging double figures. I know its early but watch out for this team.

The United States will be once again graced with my presence very shortly so check back in the next few weeks and who knows, maybe they'll be another post.

Ohio State is going to sneak in.

Fuck.

Hey Guys!
When Missouri beats Kansas tomorrow night and then loses in the Big 12 Championship(or vice versa) hybn, TOSU will face off against West Virginia in the National Championship game. Do either of those teams deserve to be there? Absolutely not. But who else does? Nobody. TOSU has the 79th hardest schedule in the nation. That's fucking hard. They should be #1 because of all the good teams they beat. The only good team they played was Illinois, who lost the Mizzou by six, Iowa by four, and michigan by six (Chad Henne for Heisman is one of the worst quarterbacks ever and he makes michigan that bad). Who knows how TOSU will fare in the title game.

Maybe I prematurely said WVU will sneak in. We all know how bad the BIG EAST is and they still have UCONN and SHIT at home. There is a pretty good chance they will lose once Pat White gets hurt in the first half. This means Rudy Carpenter still has a chance OHHHH wait no he doesn't, good luck not getting drafted.

Could it be Georgia if they beat the Jackets and LSU? Nah I'll take the GaTech defense in an upset. Let's not go any deeper into the rankings. I am getting into the VaTech, Oklahoma, USC territory and the voters will keep LSU, Kansas, and Mizzou in front of them. So here's the deal. The Ohio State University is already a LOCK for the title game. God hates me and therefore its sold, no arguments please. Who will they play? Who cares. It's too hard to tell.

However teams need to learn something. TOSU has scraped by into the national championship game twice in the past five or six years. So for future reference follow the Bucks plan. If your conference is going to be bad, and your team is going to be bad, just schedule the MAC, and I-AA teams for out of conference. Then hope you go undefeated (thank you Juice) and sit around for three weeks watching teams lose. The Big 12 and SEC have their title games and those usually knock off a good team. Ohio st. does something smart by not scheduling any bye weeks. They don't lose any momentum or rhythm during the season, and when its over they just sit around and wait.

The strong schedule isn't necessary to make it anymore coughirishcough. If teams like Ohio State can not play a single tough team and make it to the big game, then why should anyone voluntarily play anyone with players who aren't mentally retarded. Just hope every other team sucks. 12-0 is always a good indicator to these oblivious news writers.

*if tosu played wvu they will lose. tressel cant stop the spread offense. hes retarded when it comes to stopping blacks. ie vince young, percy harvin, juice willians, tim tebow (black at heart)

Exposing San Francisco and the Seahawk who wishes he lived there

I hope the few of you that still check in here enjoy.

The NFL guys who play out on the West Coast usually don't have to explain themselves to us lazy Midwesterners. We get home from school or work and tend to move only when a pizza man is knocking at the door or when the remote control falls to the ground. Even urinating is an issue. Sometimes I have to trick myself into thinking something really cool or fun is in my bathroom so that I don't pee in my pants. In fact, I've considered adult diapers, but I've got an active bladder, and the extra absorbency I'd require would drive the price up too high; non-commodity items are typically expensive.

As a result of this laziness, we tend to forget to hold West Coast players as accountable as, say, someone like Ben Toothlessberger or Eli Manning. We hear and read more about the east coast guys. When they are struggling, we all know and are very quick to criticize. Other teams out west, like the Cowboys, do get a ton of national media coverage, but for the most part, teams such as San Francisco and Seattle go under the radar.

Well, I'm sick of it. A little accountability is needed. I will not sit back indolently as west coast players get a free pass. The east coast bias works two ways my west coast friends. You can't have your cake and eat it to. (I have no idea what that means or if its relevant to the point I'm trying to make, but it sounds interesting, and I hear it used from time to time in situations that seem a little "double-standardy", so I'm going to go with it.)

So today, I've turned into a bit of a Sherlock Holmes, and decided to expose a few west coast NFL players who have destroyed many a Fantasy League for hard working, honest, American football enthusiasts this year. These guys have floated under the radar for too long and now its time they are properly criticized (or injured if you are one of those folks who is entirely too serious about Fantasy Football.) .To be honest, I am not angered by any of this as I haven't checked my fantasy teams since week 2 (after taking two devastating beats at the hands of Marion Barber), but I know some of my more motivated fantasy brethren are, so I'll bitch on their behalf.

I have to begin with Darrell Jackson of San Francisco. He's been an absolute late term abortion. Jackson has 20 catches for fewer than 240 yds. He is the inspiration for this article. I remember being told how great of a pick this was during my fantasy draft. At first, I thought my jackass friends had convinced me to take a guy they knew was going to suck, but a closer looked indicated that wasn't the case. Jackson was pretty decent with the Seahawks , and was expected to be San Francisco's #1 receiver.

Here's a little description of his 06' season:

Jackson caught 63 passes for 963 yards and a career-high 10 touchdowns last season. He was leading the NFL in touchdown receptions late last season before he missed three games with turf toe.

So this douche almost reaches 1000 yards last year, and doesn't even play during the last part of the season. Now, he's on pace for under 500 yards and has scored one time. Really, Darrell? He should be forced to listen to Mellancamp's "Our Country" on repeat for 2 years straight. Then, everyone who drafted him should get to line up at his house in San Fran and take a dump on his doorstep.He wouldn't care. He's making around $5 million this year. What are the odds of him playing for the Arena League's Colorado Crush next year?

Jackson's teammates aren't fairing too much better. Alex Smith, Vernon Davis, and Frank Gore have combined for around 120 points, which means the entire 49ers offense doesn't have as many points as the top 5-10 individual fantasy performers. This was supposed to be the 49ers break out season, and instead, their kicker, Joe Nedney. has more points than every offense player other than Gore. Vernon Davis wears Under Armor, so I guess he has an excuse, but the others have some explaining to do. San Francisco players, "YOU MUST PROTECT YOUR HOUSE." Now, imagine me screaming this, while wondering why Under Armor has such a ridiculous advertising campaign. You'd have to be on steroids (or painkillers I guess) to enjoy this shit.

The next guy that needs to be mentioned is the fruit cocktail, Shaun Alexander. He's been an absolute waste. I knew he was overvalued, and he's definitely been delivering some beats in leagues across the country. He hasn't rushed for over 50 yards or scored a touchdown in his last 4 games. I'd suggest fantasy owners get rid of him before he gets knocked out for the year. Yes, his '05 campaign was one of the best in NFL history, but he was running behind the Seahawk's left side of the offensive line, so it's a bit skewed. Once Hutchinson left for Minnesota, I knew Alexander would struggle. He still has Walter Jones, but it's not quite the same without #76. Oh, and if you don't believe these guys were instrumental in helping Alexander win his MVP, look at what Purple Jesus is doing up in Minnesota with Hutchinson's help.

Shaun Alexander just annoys the piss out of me for some reason. Maybe it's because he sounds like a white guy (a la Tony Gwynn) and can usually be seen smiling and dancing all gayishly on the sidelines. I'm not really sure, but it makes me want to hurt infants and old people (two age groups I generally enjoy). Watch this video. He gives Fr. Jon Kitna a run for his money.

I'm starting to get angry now, so I'll stop. I'll attempt to break down the Travis Henry disaster and take a look at those unpredictable Cardinals next week. Oh, Phillip Rivers isn't good either, but I blame that on Norv Turner. People are always saying "Fire Norv Turner, Fire Norv Turner.", and I disagree with that statement. I don't think he should be fired. I think he should be shot into space in one of those cool rocket ship type things. That way the San Diego front office could avoid some of that weird tension that happens when someone gets called into the office and told, "you're going to have to be let go." Firing someone is awwwkkkwaarrrdd.

Editing is for c-words.

Weekend Sports Betting Preview

Fuck you BigLots

Buzzsaw:

Arizona State -7 v UCLA
Ohio State -15 v Illinois
Florida/South Carolina Over 59.5
Dallas -1.5 v NY Giants
Browns +10 v Steelers

BigLots:

Texas/Texas Tech Under 102.5
Miami +49 v Virginia
Kansas -5.5 v Oklahoma St.
New Orleans +10.5 v St. Louis
San Diego +3.5 v Indianapolis

Guy:

Wisconsin +3 v Michigan
Georgia -2 v Auburn
South Carolina +7 v Florida
New Orleans -10.5 v St Louis
Oakland +3.5 v Chicago

Sammich:

Weekend Sports Betting Preview

I suck, so I'm not gonna waste my time with a single game preview ... plus I'm lazy. Also, it's the Hawks opening night, and I'm too excited to think about anything else. It's actually weird how excited I am. For anyone who bets the NBA, 80% of people are on the Mavs, and the line hasn't budged ... they're winning. On to the picks.

Buzzsaw:

Temple +9 v Ohio
Virginia pk v Wake Forest
Notre Dame -3 v Navy
Redskins/Jets over 35.5 ... I'm gonna be on this huge, Skins defense is being majorly overrated their CBs are in shambles ... again.
Vikings +7 v Chargers

Biglots:

Ohio State -16 v Wisconsin
Texas/Oklahoma State Under 61.5
South Florida/Cincinnati Under 50.5
Browns/Seahawks Over 46.5
Eagles +3.5 v Cowboys

Guy:

Oregon -8 v Arizona St
Minnesota +12 v Illinois
South Florida -5.5 v Cincinnati
Colts +5 v Pats (Addai will be pow pow pounding the ball)
Saints -3 v Jaguars

Sammich:

Ohio State -16 v Wisconsin
Navy +3 v Notre Dame
UCLA -1 v Arizona
Colts +5 v Patriots
Seahawks +1 v Browns

The truth on LeBron’s horrible outing

LeBron sucked last night. Considering that he is one of the most talented players in the game today, there have to be some deep, dark reasons as to how he could let himself look like complete shit on the opening night of the NBA on ESPN. We’ve come up with a few ideas:

1. He was up late last night waiting to get confirmation on the Joe Girardi hire. Being a Bronx native Akron native, he was really excited about bringing Girardi back to pinstripes. He’s loved the Yankees ever since he was young and they were good. Respectable.

2. After seeing the big news about Tony Romo’s new outrageous contract, LeBron called him up to congratulate. Being that his grandma’s sister’s cousin’s maid’s ex-boyfriend is from Dallas, LeBron just loves those Cowboys (and always has-- no bandwagon jumping here). He was so excited that he flew Romo into Cleveland, took him downtown and celebrated accordingly, being up into the wee hours of the night. Stupid hangovers.

3. Upon seeing Grady Sizemore and C.C. Sabathia in center court lower level seats decked out in Mavericks gear, LeBron was hurt that professionals that play in his own city would root against him and the Cavs’ quest to make it to the NBA Finals again to get embarrassed. Oh wait, Grady and C.C. would never do that.

Don’t be surprised when Anderson Varejao signs a 5 yr/$55 million desperation contract offer.

Guy's Favorite Guys (Vol. 3, Halloween Edition; Special Guest Co-contributor-- Le Cheff)

Tis the Halloween season and the costumes are out, as usual. The typical college male is on the prowl and making a fool of himself. To cut the suspense, lets just get right down to it.

"I'm huge and looking to show off the bod" Guy

This is the guy thats wearing the tight muscle shirt and is pushing you out of the way while he's trying to get to the keg. He most likely looked at himself in the mirror, checking out his package in his speedo, before he gained the self esteem to come out in public with it on. Favorite quote: "Hey ladies, check out my pecks."

"Athlete wearing their own jersey" Guy

We get it. You play a varsity sport at a college or high school. Congrats, man. The least you could do is show off the huge bod like "I'm huge and looking to show off the bod" Guy. Dick. Favorite quote: "I play sports in case you didn't know."

"Dude where's your costume?" Guy

So there are some people that don't sport the costume at the bar. Whatever. They don't need the asshole in his shitty Boston Red Sox cap and David Ortiz jersey shirt asking "Hey man why didn't you dress up? I'm Big Papi tonight, and you're just a bum!"

"Guy that dresses up like the person that he intrinsically wants to be" Guy

Maybe a tough concept for you blog readers, but stick with us. Think about the wigger that has always wanted to dress like a black man, but has never been able to do it in a social setting. Tonight is his night to wear an Allen Iverson jersey with only one shoulder being covered with the AI sleeve, and a teardrop drawn in black Sharpie under his left cheekbone. In turn, all of the black innuendos that he has wanted to pursue come out tonight-- it's finally acceptable. Favorite quote: "Wassup dawg?"

"Way too cool to dress up" Guy

These guys sit in the corner and make fun of all the assholes that we just described. Rightfully so? Maybe. But hey, it's Halloween. You're supposed to make a jackass out of yourself.

It's November 1st by the time of this posting. Better late than never.