Thursday, July 26, 2007

Animal All-Stars

This sports year has been marred with stories detailing the death and destruction of animals; from Barbaro's heart-wrenching struggle to Vick's dog executing, the year has been a trying one for the animal kingdom. In times like these, it's important to look at the bright side because, even in the darkest depths of despair, the light of hope shines eternal. So, it's time to shift the spotlight onto some of Animalia's brightest stars.

Babe-
While this little piggy went to the market and that little piggy stayed home, Babe was beating the shit out of his canine counterparts at, unbelievably, herding. Babe broke through the walls society placed around pigs at the time, and excelled in a sport normally left to dogs (or cowboys) ... sing it Babe:

The Pigeon-
Randy Johnson won the Cy Young award for four straight seasons from 1999-2002, during this period he was practically unhittable. The 2001 season was probably his best as a professional, culminating in the Diamondbacks World Series victory over the Yankees. Neither man nor bird could hit the future Hall of Famer that year, except one. Many came, Blue Jays, Orioles, Cardinals, but only the Pigeon was able to hit Randy Johnson's fastball.

The Elephant-
As we all know, midgets are extremely dangerous creatures. Odd's are you've had a run-in with one, and realized that they will give you all you can handle and more. If you've been lucky enough to avoid contact with the little critters, TLC's show "Little People, Big World" should be enough to convince you of their immense power. That's why this Elephant's feat of beating 44 midgets in an airplane pull is so outstanding.

The era of Fox's "Man vs. Beast" was the animal kingdom's heyday, we should all try and look back at that time, the peak of animal (and possibly human) history, as a guide for how we should interact with the opposite species, with love, compassion, and sportsmanship. I often wonder what Barbaro chose for his last dying wish, I think he'd wish to be transformed into glue, a glue with strength enough to repair the fractured relationship between man and beast, maybe I'm just a dreamer, but sometimes dreams come true.

4 Comments:

Daris said...

screw that elephant. those fuckin midgets just gave up. The ones in the back are laughing and trying to avoid the camera. I hope I never need money that bad. I also hope I never have a midget child. I wouldn't want to have to start a Vick-modeled midget fighting organization.

Seriously though, those midgets really pissed me off. I hate people (things??) that aren't competitive.

BigLots said...

On a related note, I asked the midget son on Little People, Big World to be my friend on facebook. He denied the request.

Buzzsaw said...

I guarantee his bitch mom runs his facebook account, I hate that whore

Guy said...

I often wonder what Barbaro chose for his last dying wish, I think he'd wish to be transformed into glue, a glue with strength enough to repair the fractured relationship between man and beast, maybe I'm just a dreamer, but sometimes dreams come true.

hahhahahahahaah