Monday, August 20, 2007

Oh Pretty Prince of Parties, Where’s the Party Now?


I don’t know where the party is now, but I do know where the party was on Saturday night … right here. My apartment was the place to be. You see, I don’t like ‘casual drinking’; I don’t understand it. I’m not gonna act like I enjoy the taste of beer, but I will admit to enjoying its affect on me. So, I look for the quickest possible way to feel that. On Saturday night, the quickest way involved Michael Vick’s indictment. I’ve always wanted to read it, so I could make my own judgments. I don’t feel comfortable letting ESPN’s talking heads make my judgments for me. The only way I thought I could get myself to read the transcript was to make the best drinking game ever, the Mike Vick Indictment Drinking Game. I’m working on a better title. Here are the rules:

One Drink per word = DOG, KILL, BURY, PIT BULL, VIRGINIA

Three Drinks = BAD NEWZ KENNELS, ANY NICKNAME (minus Ookie)

Five Drinks = OOKIE, DOG NAMES, HANGING

Ten Drinks = ELECTROCUTE, DROWN, SUFFOCATE

Legend: One Drink = One second or one shot of beer

I made a large miscalculation on my drinking ability before this game. I thought it’d be pretty badass to do a power hour before the Ookie Pokie (not a good name, still working on it) … bad idea, and as you’ll soon see this game, like its namesake, is an ice cold killer.

The stats break down like this. The first page is only one paragraph, but it included ten seconds worth of drinking. This was difficult for me, after the power hour, but I was still holding strong. I was pretty drunk at this point, the best part of which was how funny dog killing became. It was also a better indication of Vick’s state of mind when he was actually killing these dogs; I’m starting to really understand him. People always kill dogs when they’re drunk.

Page two gave us a nice breather, it was only ten seconds of drinking. At this point it became difficult for me to read and I was laughing at the end of every sentence. Page three was also kind of short, but there was twelve seconds of drinking. It really set me up for a bad page four, aka, the puke page.

First of all, I’d like to let you know what was happening in my apartment. There were only two guys playing this game, there were about four girls sitting around that were completely disgusted with the whole thing especially the indictment which they had never heard about. Visually, these girls were barely legal but pretty hot.

Page four consisted of thirty-three seconds of drinking; I’m not going to act like I finished all of these seconds. About half way through, in front of all of these sober people, I threw up in my mouth, tried to hold it in, but it came out of my nose. It was the most disgusting/painful experience my face has, um, faced in quite a while. My nose is still burning from the experience, my reputation, irreparably damaged. So, in summary, don’t mess with Vick … period. It was like “The Ring” or something. Through the game he was trying to kill me. He was somehow trying to drown me using my own puke. People of Virginia, if you’re reading this, lock his ass up, PLEASE.


The Onion (Picture)
The Indictment

3 Comments:

Daris said...

Very creative. I have a different version of the same game. It involves me drinking for 15 seconds everytime I kill an under-performing dog in my own Dog Fighting ring down here in Louisville.

However, your game seems very exciting, and I will give it a try this weekend. I haven't barfed in my mouth for 4-5 years, and I miss the experience.

Guy said...

What an idea. Maybe sometime you can do a throwback and dig up OJ's old indictment.

JQ said...

Can I come to your parties?
No.