Wednesday, August 15, 2007

Mike Vick is One Step Ahead

Maybe I wasn’t too young to follow the whole Sadaam situation, but I just wasn’t interested enough. How does this tie in with this blog post and Mike Vick, you ask? (Besides the fact that Americans hate both of them). Well, I just remember people talking about how Sadaam used to hire men to get plastic surgery to look identical to him so that he couldn’t be officially found, considering his slight image problem. Mike Vick has the same kind of problem with his reputation. Everybody hates that dog killing son of a bitch. Now, Vick’s got some coin (that 10 year, $100mm contract doesn’t sound so bad). So who is to say that Vick didn’t take a couple of plays out of Sadaam’s playbook? I probably would. Well, I think I found the real Mike Vick today while watching the Indians-Tigers game. He was the asshole on the mound that struck out the side in the bottom of the 9th!

Look at that! Are you kidding me? Ron Mexico, my ass. I’m going to start calling him Fernando Rodney.

Let's think about this for a minute. Vick has been running this shotty dog operation for years. He almost had to know something was going to come back and "bite him in the ass." I mean, he didn't exactly have rocket scientists running the show while he was away. He's smart, and like any true owner/CEO of a Dog Fighting Organization, he prepared for the inevitable rainy day. First, he found some young kid in the minors and paid him to get plastic surgery. This didn't take much work on Vick's part; as dreams of more pussy have to be quite common if you're playing Double A baseball somewhere in Tennessee. Also, the pickup line "I'm Mike Vick, and you know how I get down" must have had some real power before this whole dog fighting circus. Think about it, anyone in his right mind would agree to the surgery if he knew you only had to take the rap for any future allegations that might come up. Rodney was young and vulnerable, and Mike went in for the kill. So now as Vick pitches for the Tigers, Rodney's day in court approaches, and he's probably going to jail for a long time. All of that plastic surgery wasn't worth it after all, and I suspect, he realizes that looking like Michael Vick wasn't as cool as he once thought. Detroit is a city full of dog heads as is.

I know some will say, "Well, Vick's a lefty and Rodney is a righty."

To those people I say, "Why must we keep doubting the brilliance that is Michael Vick?"

We all know he is one of the most freakish athletes of the last 50 years. You really don't think the man can throw a fastball with his right hand? Please, I'd be surprised if poor Brian Finneran's hands don't fall off by the end of this year. Vick has been practicing that fastball since his Virginia Tech days. That thing on Beemer's neck is actually a bruise from a well-placed Vick eraser throw during a boring '02 film session. What a sly son of a bitch. Ever since his Virginia Tech days, I knew that scrambling asshole had something up his sleeve. He even had the presence of mind to find a young pitcher in the Tigers' organization, yes, Tigers, so he could stick it to those dog loving fools one more time. No line, to a dog owner, is a bigger slap in the face than "I love cats." Asshole.

That's okay with me, Mike. I'd rather be in jail than living in Detroit, anyway.

(This was a Guy Production in association with Poor Man's Entertainment.)


Buzzsaw said...

I've been thinking the exact same thing, except its for a different Tigers reliever. I've always thought that Todd Jones was a Larry the Cable Guy Sadaam twin; just in case something went down on the Blue Collar Comedy Tour.

mjenks said...

Wow. Brilliant. You have the makings of a pretty good thriller novel right there.

What could happen on the Blue Collar Comedy Tour? An actual funny joke being told?

Anonymous said...

if m.Vick cannot make his mind up about the plea bargin, take it off the table and charge him!
all of this procrastinating is a joke. it makes NFL look stupid and they are really pandering to vick,s whims. it is amazing to me what money can buy.
In Vick's case it is getting his own way, on his time ,getting paid on your dime.

Ove said...

Is it not amazing how people in peril suddenly "find Jesus?"
And don't even attempt to play the "race card", it will hit the ground faster than a Cadadian hot air baloon!