Saturday, August 18, 2007

ND Players, I could have told you that


Derrick Hand and Jimmy Clausen are slowly learning there's nothing to do in South Bend, other than drink heavily and have sex with prostitutes. Unfortunately, I've only fallen victim to one of those tempatations, but I'm hoping to change that over Thanksgiving this year.

Hand, charged with soliciting a prostitute, has entered into a pre-trial diversion program with the St. Joseph's County prosecutor. (I just hope Toth isn't still in office.) Hand was busted when he gave $20 to an undercover cop for a sex act. His nickname is now 'Handjob'; wow that was too easy. Anyway, Hand will be forced to pay $316 in court fees and take an HIV test as part of the agreement.

In other news, Jimothy Clausen was cited by excise for minor transportation of alcohol after a 23yr male went in to buy booze for Jimmy and one of his buddies.

The 23-year-old entered the store and bought two 1.75-liter bottles of Smirnoff vodka and a 200-milliliter bottle of Jack Daniel's whiskey, police said, as well as a case containing 30 cans of Natural Light beer.

Clausen remained outside the store in a Chevrolet Tahoe along with another Notre Dame freshman, who was not cited. Because the older man bought the alcohol, police said, the store was not cited.
Well, at least Jimmy knows how to party. I especially like the Jack pickup. Whiskey can cure the South Bend blues, and its tough to get a DUI in our great city. Clausen will also be participating in the famed "pre-trial" diverson program that obviously is working wonders in South Bend. I know it worked well in Bloomington IN. Everytime I got a drinking ticket, I'd just have to pay a little money and pick up trash on the side of the road for a few hours. Wow, what a punishment!

Hopefully both of the boys can stay out of trouble for the rest of the year, but its not even winter yet, so I don't how realistic that is. I thought Clausen only drove around in a Stretch Hummer Limos, so I don't know how accurate the story is. Charlie's gotta be losing his mind.

Advice:
Derrell "Handjob" Hand: Stay the hell away from South Michigan Street

Jimmy Clausen: Don't ever go to Belmont Beverage; you're getting popped 3 out of 10 times there. Head down 23 and swing by East Race Liquors. I was buying booze there at the age of 15 with an international ID I cut out of a National Geographic.

Rookies.
South Bend Tribune Clausen
South Bend Tribune Hand

7 Comments:

Buzzsaw said...

Hahaha, I just heard about this tonight. Question though: I got a "pre-trial diversion for a speeding ticket; all I had to do was not get another speeding ticket for the next year. Does Handjob have to not get busted soliciting prostitutes for a year?? That might be too much to ask.

Daris said...

Ya, no prostitutes, the 300$, and the AIDS test form the entire program. You know he's going to have trouble with one of the three. He should have taken it to trial.

Buzzsaw said...

Biglots told me DJ Stickyboots has AIDS, sad news. I heard that the test for that involves a Q-tip up your penis hole ... any truth to that?

Daris said...

i laughed out loud when i read the news about stickyboots. Damn it, I keep fucking my chances at heaven more and more every day.

it is sad, but im not sure about the aids test, i haven't had the pleasure yet.

LadyAndrea said...

There are prostitutes in South Bend? Man, I hang out in the WRONG part of town.

Anonymous said...

They were drinking Natural light, too? Maybe Clausen isn't as queer as I thought...

Anonymous said...

Wow. What losers you are.